In desperate need of a fresh start... (children, divorced, daughter)

[MainStreet]

Here in Indiana, a good family, in a quiet safe town, lost BOTH their daughters. One to homicide and the second to most likely suicide (the sisters were very close) in less than one week. Good people, loving parents.

At the news, I just wanted to drive down there and hug them both.

There is an epidemic in this country of not valuing our children.

Three babies died after being "forgotten" in hot on cars on September 13th alone!

We have become a selfish, self-absorbed country, where everything is handed to us on a plate. We out source literally everything and one day soon, we will be importing our own corn!!!

Why is it that parents can't get off the behinds and want better for their children? Something good can come out of the bleakest of circumstances.

Mothers can't quit. We just can't.

[MainStreet]

Originally Posted by FreezinIL

I did not read that she was going to leave her daughter? Did I miss that?

As for your last comment sun can do a lot of good for depression & there is such a thing as ice

Many people who suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) head to a sunnier state.

Yes you missed it. And as someone who lived in those "gloomy" skies of Michigan for 25 years, people with SAD, sit in front of therapeutic lights and read a book. They boost their spirits and learn something at the same time.

I'm not buying the gloom and doom here. This is about love. Pure immense love of a child. I dare anyone to come between me experiencing one minute of my daughter's life, no concrete wall is too thick, no blue mood is debilitating enough. Mama is home. Period.

[Marlow]

I agree with Main Street. You have a responsibility to your daughter that outweighs anything else you need to do right now. The next 6 years will pass in a flash and you can use the time to help your daughter cope with your divorce while you learn new skills, save money and make plans to move to Florida or anywhere else you want. Plus, moving across the country is not a reality for you right now anyway because you don't have a job or any money saved up.

I'm sympathetic to your situation, but moving to Florida and leaving your daughter behind is not the answer. Talk to your doctor about changing your meds or seeking some other kind of therapy for your depression. Then hopefully you'll have some energy to prioritize and work on your problems.

Good luck with it all.

[Samierra]

12 is such a critical age for a girl - can you imagine how she might feel to be "abandoned" by her mother?

I can certainly understand wanting to change your life. However, please consider the impact on her.

I have 2 girls - young - 4.5 & almost 3yrs. They are my (our) world. Already at such a young age they look to me (primarily) and my dh and emulate everything that we do. If I have a down day, they are impacted. They are hypersensitive to everything. Realizing this has had such a profound impact on me - I want them to become strong, independent women and I figure that I am their role model.

I went through a terrible depression that started 2 yrs ago when my parents died. I left my dream career and made some very foolish choices. A change of scenery would not have made a darn bit of difference. (Especially to FL - this is not an easy place to assimilate to). As I said above, my kids were directly impacted by my state of mind. I spiraled quickly - until I realized that it was in my control to change things, to improve my life and recapture what I had. The climb out of this has been difficult, but one of growth, persevearance and now, joy. Each day I look at my girls and remind myself that I owe it to them - and then myself to do better. (and by the way, now, that we are back on an even keel, we have decided to move to Jax).

Please seek some help to deal w/ your issues, take your daughter out of the middle of your relationship - she deserves more.

Just my 2cents....
I wish you the best.

[FreezinIL]

I have 5 children and even though I have moments that I think God sent them to torture me for some past wrong doings they are my life. I love them with all my heart and NO mom should quit on her children.

They are a gift from God the way I see it even if it does not always feel like it we are to love and cherish them. I know people who do not and I will never understand that.

I am going to go back and re-read Quins post a 3rd time I still did not see it.

Quin please dont leave your daughter. She needs you.

[MainStreet]

Originally Posted by quinn998

I feel trapped, depressed and totally miserable. I first wrote on this site in early 2007 in the Florida forum and I think it was considered too personal by moderators.(If anyone's interested they can read the original post.)But until they closed it, I got a lot of genuinely caring, concerned people that responded with some great advice.I wrote in the Florida forum because it has always been my dream to move there -even as a young girl growing up in NJ and now as a middle aged woman in MI. I've always hated cold, snow and unending cloudy days that stretch on for weeks at a time. Well, that time of year is rapidly approaching again. Anyway, I have a 12 year old daughter that I originally wanted to take with me, but I realize that it's probably in her best interest if I don't. I got laid off in June & have been looking for work ever since. I'm competing with thousands of others in MI in the same boat. So right now I have no job , I live with my soon to be divorced husband; he lives downstairs & I live upstairs in the same house along with my 12 year old daughter who is tragically in the middle of all this.We (my soon-to-be ex & I ) don't talk to each other & use the kitchen at different times. When we do happen to see each other we don't make eye contact and quickly leave. I have nowhere to go right now to live and without a job. My mom and 2 siblings and their families live in NJ. Not an option right now. Hence, wanting a fresh start in Florida. I basically have nothing anyway, so I might as well start over in a place that I really want to be. Oh yeah, that little fact of how am I going to support myself. That's my question. I originally wanted to move to the Sarasota area with my daughter and was quickly talked out of that. I've been going on this site since early in the year , seeing if there's anyplace that might be more realistic for a single middle aged woman who wants to start over again, has no money and desperately wants to be in a warm, sunny place with no snow! That truly is one of the most important things to me. Job-wise, I can offer customer service type experience (NWA) and pharmacy tech experience. I feel like I'd rather be poor than live in this miserable situation with an abusive husband who I haven't loved in over 20 years. Recent researching of the Florida forums makes me wonder if the Jacksonville area might be a possibility.Plus the people that comment on that particular forum (JAX) seem to be especially nice and helpful (compared with some of the other forums. ) Any comments or suggestions that anyone cares to comment on would be wonderful. Thanks again for listening.

I bolded it for you.

[FreezinIL]

Originally Posted by MainStreet

I bolded it for you.

Thanks. When I read that I was just thinking that she had decided not to move all together then changed her mind again. I did not realize she meant with out her daughter. But now I see that she did mean with out her daughter. That is really a shame

[Sundance]

Your daughter needs you.
If the 3 of you are living in the same house, but not speaking; either you or your husband need to MOVE OUT.
This is NOT a healthy situation for your daughter.

ETA: with the financial strain, AT LEAST talk to your husband and see if you can declare a mutual truce.

There's no reason you all cannot speak. If your marriage is over, do your own things but be FRIENDLY,
even if it's surface-friendly, in front of your daughter.

[Keeper]

I don't think you know how your daughter is going to feel when you move to another state and leave her behind. I can tell you from personal experience 'she is going to feel you abandoned her. You may tell her that is not the case and she may tell you she understands but that is not how she will feel.
My children chose to stay in the home with their father, they were older teens, even though it was their choice to stay, they knew there were problems and I only moved to an apt in the same town deep down they still felt abandoned.
I totally understand your wanting to get out of your current living condition but make sure you talk to your daughter's conselor and your daughter as she may not want to stay with her father. Leaving town could be the best thing for you and your daughter, but would her father allow her to leave?

[quinn998]

I just wanted to say thank you to bluegrassgirl, FreezinIL, Mainstreet, Marlow, Samierra, Sundance , Keeper and HIF(?) for your excellent comments and genuine concern. You're right-- leaving my daughter to move south isn't the right thing to do. I've started taking a few yoga classes to get out of the house and try to connect with other people. I am considering moving out and getting my own apartment , but it would be right in Grand Rapids, in the same school district that my daughter is in. I'm hoping her dad will pay for me to have a small studio apt. here while I continue to look for a job. I just find it too awful to stay in this house and live in this situation with her in the middle, so it seems like that might be a good compromise. A lot of this decision making process is directly related to comments that I have read on here. Thank you all again....