Please Help Me. Potential Problems. (guy, cheat, friend, attraction)

[temptation001]

Do you really want a woman who isn't sure what she feels for her ex and is kissing him still? It's good that you better yourself as much as possible, but she is not the ideal mate in that she has already demonstrated that she might possibly cheat on you. If you don't care if she cheats, then maybe you guys can work out an arrangement where she cheats while you verbally abuse her. There are couples like that.

All I'm saying is that don't get so wrapped up in your own faults that you don't see hers.

[hifuu17]

yeah, i know. but still.

i had yelled at her like that last semester. a few months later when we got back together i promised i wouldnt do it again and here i am a month agoi did just that. i just wanna deal with it for real this time and not think im done being angry like that yaknow?

as for how to deal with her, ill prob see her sooner than that. but i like ur idea. though she ll say its BS cause she told me she now thinks everything i say is BS. but at least ill know

[bignutz]

Originally Posted by hifuu17

Well, I guess I accept the fact that I am, indeed, a verbal abuser. As much of a scumbag that makes me feel, I know I can change with enough work.

I called a hotline yesterday and told them my story. Talked to them about everything. Kinda like therapy, I guess, but free.

After finals I intend to jump on this problem and try to fix it. I want to learn self esteem and anger management. Books will probably be the first thing I will do.

I know everyone says therapy is the best way to go, but I would like to try trying to fix my problem first. If that works out, great. if not, I will get therapy.

As for the girl I did this all too, I am leaving her alone. If she ever needs me, I will be there for her and whatever she may need at the time, then go. I will give her her space and even though there is a 99% chance she lost all feelings for me and our relationship, I still have hope I suppose. Don't know why.

For now, just taking my finals, be done with school on friday. This summer will be a one of change for me, I want it to be.

So, we all make mistakes in relationships. No one on this forum is a perfect partner. My brother is married to a bipolar witch who I think he should have divorced 10 years ago. I dated a woman who had a habit of chewing off my balls when she had a bad hair day. And, I of course, have raised my voice and yelled at my SO during break ups or when I caught them cheating.

So here is my recommendation to you: don't tolerate women who disrespect you by accepting their crappy mistakes when it involves your emotions. Be firm, solid, and definite in telling them you will not put up with that behavior and that you have learn that if love means anything, anything at all and at its bottom core, it means having respect for the other's emotional well-being. That includes cheating, flirting, back talk, and any other form of disrepect to you as a boyfriend, fiance, or husband. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me... and your done with her, call it quits, and move on. You too need to play by those rules.

So channel you guilt, disgust, and bad energy into not being the same loser again. Commit to drawing a line you will never cross again; next time you will call bullsh*t when it happens again, and pull the plug to protect your emotional self from turning into the loser you once acted as. Similarly, don't let these posters neuter you. There are many on here who delight in discussing men's shortcomings and revel in the opportunity to tell men how to act like a man. But only you can carry your ballz! Yes you called the hotline but you didn't go physical so there is still hope to learn from your mistake. Good luck.

[hifuu17]

I suppose you are all right. Its just she was my first love and we really planned on going the long run. But I did not deserve her keeping her past in our entire relationship.

However, she didnt deserve me yelling at her. So I guess we both messed up. Only problem was I messed up right now and she did nothing.

As much as I love the support, I cant call myself a good guy either. I did stuff I never want to do. No matter who it is I shouldnt disrespect women like that. So I'm still going to try and make sure i dont have anger issues and make sure i can fix what is wrong with me

[veuvegirl]

I think you are just immature and need to grow up and handle your feelings better. It is your first relationship, learn and grow from it. Move on and cherish the next woman. If you find yourself doing the same thing, seek counselling before you go into another relationship.

[hifuu17]

Hopefully that is it. I cant really tell where this all came from because shes the only girlfriend I ever had. Just trying to live day by day. I have left her alone and one more day till summer. Not planning on being desperate and clingy and letting her come to me (if that will ever happen). How do you guys usually deal with anger?

[Prince_Frog]

Originally Posted by hifuu17

Hopefully that is it. I cant really tell where this all came from because shes the only girlfriend I ever had. Just trying to live day by day. I have left her alone and one more day till summer. Not planning on being desperate and clingy and letting her come to me (if that will ever happen). How do you guys usually deal with anger?

I don't get angry too often, but I'd consider myself fairly lucky because I can let a lot of things go. Really, there isnt' a whole lot that bothers me enough to make me upset and become angry.

Typically when I get angry at something I get away from the situation and cool down. Try to reason things out in my head or talk about it with my family or friends, and after I cool down enough I'll go back to the person who made me upset and talk about it. that typically solves any anger issues I have.

[virgode]

Originally Posted by hifuu17

Hopefully that is it. I cant really tell where this all came from because shes the only girlfriend I ever had. Just trying to live day by day. I have left her alone and one more day till summer. Not planning on being desperate and clingy and letting her come to me (if that will ever happen). How do you guys usually deal with anger?

I'm a DV survivor, could write a book on my experience, but I won't get into all that..

As far as dealing with anger, you first have to identify your trigger points and what sets you off. You already know anger makes people act irrationally, say and do things they regret.

In relationships the main triggers are jealousy, hurt, fear of loss, frustration, inability to communicate, unrealistic expectations and need to controll.

The bottom line is the only person you have control over is you and you can control and change your thinking and how you react. It takes some retraining.

My suggestion, summer employment, play a sport, go to a gym to keep your mind busy so you don't obsess over this girl. The therapy or anger management is for you. If you're doing it for her, you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

[hifuu17]

I mean I want to do it for me but I guess I'd be lying if I said it was just for me. I want to do it for her and every girl i might be with in the future

[gentlearts]

You are young. You acted like an ass, and so you should learn from it and not continue to be an ass in the future.
No self respecting girl will put up with that type of behavior.
You can stay the same, and find a girl with low standards who will put up with it, or you can hopefully mature into someone more worthy.