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Why is it that people seem to want to defend their bad choices? Why acknowledge that you have done a bad thing yet still defend that thing in the same breath?
That is the definition of dysfunctional or someone dealing with an addiction.
Its a mental process where they can cross the line and drop the defense if they remove ego and think about the behavior critically and the full impact it has. It can be impossible for some if they lack the ability to engage in an empathetic mind set. At that dysfunctional stage your body can never feel extreme pain/shame or joy/pleasure. So its sort of like a cycle that perpetuates itself because its natural to avoid pain and gravitate towards pleasure. You have to feel pain first to break the trap of that way of thinking. Most all people will avoid that as long as they can get away with it.
You don't always know you've made a bad choice until after the fact.
Its possible to acknowledge something as having been a wrong choice, while seemingly defending the choice as an explanation of why the choice was made at the time.
That is the definition of dysfunctional or someone dealing with an addiction.
Its a mental process where they can cross the line and drop the defense if they remove ego and think about the behavior critically and the full impact it has. It can be impossible for some if they lack the ability to engage in an empathetic mind set. At that dysfunctional stage your body can never feel extreme pain/shame or joy/pleasure. So its sort of like a cycle that perpetuates itself because its natural to avoid pain and gravitate towards pleasure. You have to feel pain first to break the trap of that way of thinking. Most all people will avoid that as long as they can get away with it.
Awesome explanation. Thanks. I am just super frustrated today with the flack I seem to get on here. I try and hold folks to a higher standard. No one wants that.
It's not always defending it so much as explaining where they are coming from, or were at the time. Sometimes it's asking for compassion. For example, "I'm sorry I lied, I was just so scared to tell you the truth" if said while apologizing for the lying, isn't defending it so much as just letting the person know what was going through their head that led to the lie. If they are apologizing though, they're inherently not defending their behavior because apology requires taking a stance of vulnerability, and admitting you're wrong--two things that being defensive don't leave room for.
You don't always know you've made a bad choice until after the fact.
Its possible to acknowledge something as having been a wrong choice, while seemingly defending the choice as an explanation of why the choice was made at the time.
Exactly! Someone just did that with me today. "I was wrong, but...." Just admit it and stop defending it! Grrrr.....
Sometimes they're not defending it though, redvelvet, but just trying to explain why they were doing that so that you can understand better. Yesterday I got mad at my friend for not signing and voicing at the same time when she was hanging out with me (I'm blind) and another friend (who's deaf). She explained that she couldn't do both at the same time, which hadn't occurred to me because I sign and voice simultaneously all the time. But she ended with saying she will try to accommodate both of us in the future by voicing for me and signing for our deaf friend. Maybe by your definition that's defending her behavior, but she did apologize, and said she would work on improving, so I don't see it as a defense. If there was no apology and no willingness to change that behavior, then I would. I think you have to see the reasoning in context before you can tell if it's being defensive.
It's not always defending it so much as explaining where they are coming from, or were at the time. Sometimes it's asking for compassion. For example, "I'm sorry I lied, I was just so scared to tell you the truth" if said while apologizing for the lying, isn't defending it so much as just letting the person know what was going through their head that led to the lie. If they are apologizing though, they're inherently not defending their behavior because apology requires taking a stance of vulnerability, and admitting you're wrong--two things that being defensive don't leave room for.
well, I see your point. But still, where is the accountability regarding discernment to begin with? Why lie at all? Why not just communicate in the beginning?
I never do that, so I still find it hard to try and put myself in that place to understand it in others.
I guess I am hyper-aware of my own feelings.
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