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I was talking to a girl who had rejected me about why she rejected me. I asked because we were friends and I was just curious why she didn't have any feelings for me. She told me that she thinks I'm conceited and "full of myself"...
...
That you asked this question tells me you couldn't possibly be that arrogant and self-centered. It appears that you genuinely wanted some advice for self-improvement. The fact that you're asking us is further indication of this.
[arrogant and self-centered people don't do this (often)]
That you asked this question tells me you couldn't possibly be that arrogant and self-centered. It appears that you genuinely wanted some advice for self-improvement. The fact that you're asking us is further indication of this.
[arrogant and self-centered people don't do this (often)]
Kind of leaping to conclusions. He asked, that's all. He might have asked for the sake of self-improvement, as you assert.
He might have asked out of a sense of "What's your problem, why aren't you attracted to me?" Am I saying it WAS this? No -- but still a possibility. It's a very human thing; quite often when people reject others, that's all fine, all "justifiable". Yet when they are rejected by others, the reaction is visceral.
I was once present when a woman who was SURE a guy was really into her was attempting to "let him down easy", despite that she'd confided in me she had ZERO interest in him, just NOT her type, didn't find him in the least attractive, even mentioned that he was a bit pudgy for her tastes. Great guy socially but just NO, so sorry, no...
When she began to explain to him how she was sorry but she'd noticed things lately and she really wanted to get them out in the open, preserve the friendship before it was too late, before things went too far...
...the guy looked perplexed... and then half-horrified, and stammered out "What? NO! I didn't realize you thought that -- NO, I'm not attracted to you in that way, not in the least! I apologize, I didn't realize you thought I was -- wow, that WOULD have been awkward!" He totally laughed it off.
But I was watching HER face as it contorted through first embarrassment and then a kind of pinched resentment, and as she excused herself, even anger.
Later we were talking again, and she was genuinely ticked OFF, and wanted to know where he got off acting that way. What was his problem? What was wrong with HER, that SHE wasn't good enough for him?!?!? What a jerk!....
This
is
HUMAN.
And it's further compounded by the fact that people...
are generally
STUPID.
You say "traits of acheivement" I say "haughty labels" as you were eager to throw them out to BNE like a dog pissing on a hydrant. Truly self-confidents need not label themselves, can often be quite humble, and can be manageable since not all are self-employed or CEOs. If opinions of strangers don't matter why did you respond to my deleted post?
To the OP: if you exhibit the traits in bold, IMO you're full of yourself.
I am giving my opinion to the OP to provide the counterpoint to posts like yours. Strangers (like posters on this forum) can misinterpret confidence as arrogance which may cause a person to think they need to "fix" something about themselves. Jealousy and competitive desire to see others fail can also play a part.
The traits of "assertive, leader, Type-A..." are labels that can be used to describe many successful leaders. You may not be comfortable with these traits, but that doesn't mean they don't lead to success.
Plenty of self-confident people are very objective and can accurately label themselves. And I never said self-confident people can't be humble and manageable. Strange that you deleted your post after I responded to it. Were you not confident about the opinions you posted?
Many years ago in college, I had just gotten out of the military after more than a decade serving overseas in Military Intelligence. I'd been around a lot of different types of people, lived in three different countries, visited several others, been married, divorced, helped raise a child not my own -- and I was just thirty.
Upon getting out of the military I spent some time totally devoted to getting into excellent physical shape, and then I decided to pursue a degree.
At a time when I was in the best physical shape of my life and looked almost ten years younger than I was, I was also confident in myself BUT incomprehensibly SHY around others since the civilian sector was very new to me.
There was a class I was in for Mandarin, and my routine was to walk in, take my seat, open my books and study. I would listen to the teacher. Because my training was nearly all as a linguist, I would fairly skillfully respond to her questions, or offer input when requested.
Beyond that, I kept to myself because I was so damned SHY the idea of talking with these people, especially the women, NONE of whom I knew, actually made me nervous.
It was three weeks before I happened to be staying late in class for something and two other students, also in my age group, did the same. They didn't KNOW we were in the same age group, and were very surprised to find I was actually a year older than they. They were floored when upon addressing me, it turned out I was a friendly, easy-going guy.
Two months later they admitted to me that because of the following factors:
- I was in excellent physical condition
- they considered me good-looking (a thing I, myself, have never done)
- I was quiet
- I was clearly one of, if not THE, smartest persons in class
...they had decided I was the most stuck-up, arrogant person they'd ever had the misfortune to be in a class with. They had already, without ever speaking to me yet, had a few conversations on what an absolute jerk I LIKELY was in my private life.
All because I did my work and minded my own business and was taking care of myself physically.
I'd have NEVER known this had they not told me.
Stop and ask yourself HOW many things someone else reveals, and how many we simply project from our own misguided, ignorant thinking?
Life is a toss-up. Arrogant, selfish, completely self-centered people can be amazingly skillful, competent, intelligent -- and yet when others resent them, the problem is clearly OTHERS', because there's nothing wrong with them. The fact that they treat others like dirt will never, CAN never occur to them. Their actions are and always shall remain entirely justifiable.
Perfectly normal people can come off as arrogant, stuck-up, conceited, selfish, petulant, etc -- all because of timing of a remark and someone else's perceptions and desires.
It's a total crapshoot. That's why questioning and self-evaluation matter.
Malkiel...it's usually pretty easy to detect arrogance, and self centerednes, by the way one talks....they use the word {I}, or {me} in their interactions a LOT....
Everybody has a self-centered side, but I guess it could become a problem when one finds themselves talking a lot about themselves versus others/letting others talk about themselves. In other words, it's all about you all the time.
Arrogance could be deciphered by asking oneself "Am I open-minded?" This doesn't come naturally to some people either because they have to believe what they were taught even if it's not true or they just think they have all the answers. You're not arrogant if you can admit you don't know everything. Nobody knows everything. No, not even Sheldon Cooper.
Perfectly normal people can come off as arrogant, stuck-up, conceited, selfish, petulant, etc -- all because of timing of a remark and someone else's perceptions and desires.
It's a total crapshoot. That's why questioning and self-evaluation matter.
Self-evaluation matters, but, as you say, it can be a crapshoot.
Let's say, in college you came to realize your demeanor came off as aloof or conceited to others. That was their interpretation, even though you did not feel this about yourself as you were just shy and studious. So, in an effort to improve your image, you started interacting more with those other 2 students.
Then, perhaps other students (even the professor) begin to misinterpret you as being flirtatious, not paying attention in class, not studious enough, overly social, etc. Maybe there are ex-boyfriends/ex-friends to your new friends who will simply dislike you by association. There may be students who don't like you simply because you are attractive or muscular or were in the military. Maybe they don't like the shoes you're wearing. Sometimes you just can't win. One's demeanor may be interpreted as positive in one classroom, country, social system and completely negative in another.
That's why IMO it's usually best to be yourself (but be able to moderate actions/appearance based on social setting) and not overly obsess about changing your persona for others unless it is impeding your personal, social, business life or you are clearly being hurtful to others.
I think it is healthy to accept that one will always have detractors or people who dislike them. That is life. Billions are made on self-help books/seminars that convince people they can be fixed so they may become more successful. Sometimes staying true to yourself is what it takes to be successful in relationships.
My spouse has told me he was very attracted to my self-confidence/poise when we first met at a work conference. And I'm sure there are many guys who prefer a more introverted/humble person. If I had tried to "fix" myself to be a quieter, less assertive, more humble person, I would not have been true to myself and I likely would not have gotten the jobs I've had, nor maybe even my spouse.
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