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Old 05-08-2012, 12:38 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,739 posts, read 4,494,037 times
Reputation: 7267
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd View Post
My guy is a looker. That is, he likes to look. Not that he's so great looking. LOL He says he just likes to look at beautiful people. He even comments on great looking men and he's 100% hetero.

He's also a huge flirt who does so by trying to make everyone laugh. He even flirts with the women in the assisted living homes. LOL I almost never say anything when he does look. Except. Yes, I have this... problem. All I want to know is does, he have the right to know the truth? Not looking for rudeness or personal attacks and if you don't read the whole post, please don't reply. If it starts becoming too personal, mods, please close it. This is a very sensitive topic for me.

Long story as short as possible...

The only time I get upset at his looking is when he's looking at girls who look 16, 17, because most of them are even younger than they appear, esp these days.

We got into a horrendous fight (that's a huge understatement but in the interest of long story short...) and it's lasted over a month. I flipped on him for checking out this girl who looked 16, max. I tried not to say anything but inside I was raging and ended up blowing up over it. Wrong way to handle it, I know. I get it. But I always rage inside like that when I see an old(er) man check out girls that young and I attribute it to an old(er) man raping me as a teen. When I see these old farts looking at these children as more than the children they are, I feel an almost uncontrollable rage.

I let my guy think I was angry because I'm jealous as I don't want him thinking I think he's a pervert. I know he's not. He just appreciates beautiful women. His looking at 20-somethings to our age and even older doesn't phase me. But he seems to have no ability to tell ages in males or females.

I was told by someone close to me I was wrong for not telling him why I became so angry. He already knows I was raped at a young age but he doesn't know about my (over?) protectiveness of teens.

We nearly broke up yesterday over it because he said he can't get over what I said to him about him checking her out. I said, I can't compete with that when I was really thinking it turns my stomach to see someone as old as you look at a child's ass like that.

We're back on track--but treading lightly, do I go to him with the truth or let it go?

I can relate to some of what you said, not to go into too many details. But it is disgusting when they check out these preteens and teeny boppers. I know them to do this all the time....one thing though some of them do not predict the ages well like we can (women). The others just don't care. There was man in my neighborhood got arrested for messing around with a 14 year old girl at his apartment. I do beleive there's a lot of them that simply don't care. Anyway, figure out which one he is: doesn't realize or doesn't care. If it's option 1 you really should tell him WHY. If it's option 2....
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Old 05-08-2012, 01:06 PM
 
Location: USA
2,130 posts, read 1,440,927 times
Reputation: 3503
Quote:
Originally Posted by halfabuck View Post
A man with any class will not let his significant other see him looking at any women. If he does and there's a chance you will notice, then he need not look. Simple. He does it out of respect for you.
I'm surprised there is only one other person that feels this way. Age shouldn't matter. Checking out other women in front of you is disrespectful!
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Old 05-08-2012, 01:53 PM
 
Location: Suburbs Of Memphis, TN
330 posts, read 222,867 times
Reputation: 353
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd View Post
My guy is a looker. That is, he likes to look. Not that he's so great looking. LOL He says he just likes to look at beautiful people. He even comments on great looking men and he's 100% hetero.

He's also a huge flirt who does so by trying to make everyone laugh. He even flirts with the women in the assisted living homes. LOL I almost never say anything when he does look. Except. Yes, I have this... problem. All I want to know is does, he have the right to know the truth? Not looking for rudeness or personal attacks and if you don't read the whole post, please don't reply. If it starts becoming too personal, mods, please close it. This is a very sensitive topic for me.

Long story as short as possible...

The only time I get upset at his looking is when he's looking at girls who look 16, 17, because most of them are even younger than they appear, esp these days.

We got into a horrendous fight (that's a huge understatement but in the interest of long story short...) and it's lasted over a month. I flipped on him for checking out this girl who looked 16, max. I tried not to say anything but inside I was raging and ended up blowing up over it. Wrong way to handle it, I know. I get it. But I always rage inside like that when I see an old(er) man check out girls that young and I attribute it to an old(er) man raping me as a teen. When I see these old farts looking at these children as more than the children they are, I feel an almost uncontrollable rage.

I let my guy think I was angry because I'm jealous as I don't want him thinking I think he's a pervert. I know he's not. He just appreciates beautiful women. His looking at 20-somethings to our age and even older doesn't phase me. But he seems to have no ability to tell ages in males or females.

I was told by someone close to me I was wrong for not telling him why I became so angry. He already knows I was raped at a young age but he doesn't know about my (over?) protectiveness of teens.

We nearly broke up yesterday over it because he said he can't get over what I said to him about him checking her out. I said, I can't compete with that when I was really thinking it turns my stomach to see someone as old as you look at a child's ass like that.

We're back on track--but treading lightly, do I go to him with the truth or let it go?


I admire your honesty, and the fact that you don't mind him looking at other women/girls in front of you/while with you. Most women would take it as disrespect. Your reaction may have been extreme, but reasonable. Given your past, I'd say you should definitly sit down and explain why you are so sensitive about this matter. I haven't had an experience like yours, but am so very protective of kids/teens, just because that is a part of who I am. How long have ya'll been together? If you are as important to him, as he is to you (from reading your posts above) then he will be sensitive to that and make an effort to be more careful of who he is looking at, instead of just focusing on what it is he is staring at.
And on another note, (nothing to do with the situation) but maybe it'd be good for you to get some help(if you already haven't) in order to place your feelings in order and get rid of some of the rage you still hold onto.
Best wishes to you, sweetie!
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:13 PM
 
607 posts, read 393,986 times
Reputation: 931
You go into great length to say that he is a great guy - likes/talks to everyone, young and old. But then you go into an 'internal uncontrollable rage' when he just looks at someone that may be borderline 'of age'.

1st, sorry about your painful experience in the past.

2nd, seeking professional help might be a good idea regarding the rage response/reflex issues.

If women are developed, it's normal for guys to look. That is dictated by human nature. As long as he does not pursue someone underage and/or stare with lust, I don't see it as a problem.
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:42 PM
 
Location: Austin
2,173 posts, read 1,319,425 times
Reputation: 2081
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd View Post
My guy is a looker. That is, he likes to look. Not that he's so great looking. LOL He says he just likes to look at beautiful people. He even comments on great looking men and he's 100% hetero.

He's also a huge flirt who does so by trying to make everyone laugh. He even flirts with the women in the assisted living homes. LOL I almost never say anything when he does look. Except. Yes, I have this... problem. All I want to know is does, he have the right to know the truth? Not looking for rudeness or personal attacks and if you don't read the whole post, please don't reply. If it starts becoming too personal, mods, please close it. This is a very sensitive topic for me.

Long story as short as possible...

The only time I get upset at his looking is when he's looking at girls who look 16, 17, because most of them are even younger than they appear, esp these days.

We got into a horrendous fight (that's a huge understatement but in the interest of long story short...) and it's lasted over a month. I flipped on him for checking out this girl who looked 16, max. I tried not to say anything but inside I was raging and ended up blowing up over it. Wrong way to handle it, I know. I get it. But I always rage inside like that when I see an old(er) man check out girls that young and I attribute it to an old(er) man raping me as a teen. When I see these old farts looking at these children as more than the children they are, I feel an almost uncontrollable rage.

I let my guy think I was angry because I'm jealous as I don't want him thinking I think he's a pervert. I know he's not. He just appreciates beautiful women. His looking at 20-somethings to our age and even older doesn't phase me. But he seems to have no ability to tell ages in males or females.

I was told by someone close to me I was wrong for not telling him why I became so angry. He already knows I was raped at a young age but he doesn't know about my (over?) protectiveness of teens.

We nearly broke up yesterday over it because he said he can't get over what I said to him about him checking her out. I said, I can't compete with that when I was really thinking it turns my stomach to see someone as old as you look at a child's ass like that.

We're back on track--but treading lightly, do I go to him with the truth or let it go?
Please go to him with the truth!! Letting it go, aka sweeping it under the rug, aka pretending to not be bothered, etc. will not do anything about your resentment and concern over the issue.

Men are hard-wired to notice youth and beauty, but the fact that he knows it bothers you for ANY reason and defends it, is a bigger problem.

You are also asking for respect and consideration. If he brough a concern of his to you, I am sure you would address it and do what makes the relationship stronger.
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:44 PM
 
Location: Austin
2,173 posts, read 1,319,425 times
Reputation: 2081
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd View Post
He's a gem of a man. He has his faults like all of us, but he's wonderful. He thinks I'm trying to change him to stop looking. Not even remotely true. Just be more aware of whom he's looking at--their ages. I realize he can't go ask to see to see their i.d. first. LOL But there's got to be some common sense approach.

Or hell, maybe I'm the one who needs to do something. After all, it's my raging feelings that nearly broke us up. I say that because I would not have broke up with him over looking. But he nearly broke up with me over my reaction.
Again, this last part disturbs me. Why would he have almost left you? Was his need to defend himself bigger than his care to help you feel better and more secure?
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Old 05-08-2012, 06:40 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
6,622 posts, read 8,448,953 times
Reputation: 8544
As another "older" guy, it's really hard to guess the ages of young women. First, we don't see them that often to compare. I mean, when I was in high school or college I could easily tell the difference between and 17-year-olds and 18 and 20-year-olds, but at 65 it's not so easy to tell, especially if you don't see their faces up close. (Gotta see them close or they're blurry!) We don't see them separated in to age groups like we did in school (unless we're a teacher), so how are we to know? My wife works with a few high school girls, and I wouldn't know they're not in their early 20s. So cut the old codger some slack in that regard.

I try to not gaze too much, although I'm sure I do sometimes. As long as my eyes work at all, I'll probably admire a nice feminine figure. That doesn't mean I'm lusting, however, just admiring. I've got no sexual interest in "kids" under 40 and wouldn't even if I was single.

I think you should tell your guy why it bothers you, without blaming him. I suspect it is because of your teenage abuse, so it's probably your problem as much or more than it is his. I think if you explain it to him, as you have here, it'll go a long ways. (Guys do look. Some of us are just a little better at not getting caught!)
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Old 05-08-2012, 06:48 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
16,182 posts, read 18,538,901 times
Reputation: 24550
The truth will set you free. If he knows you bear a special sensitivity for men who lust after young girls, and he does not completely stop this sort of behavior, it means he is not sensitive to your feelings. This is a deal breaker.
Just for the record book, in my experience with 3 grown sons and two husbands. This is not behavior that is normal.
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Old 05-08-2012, 09:06 PM
 
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,693 posts, read 17,053,729 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd View Post
My guy is a looker. That is, he likes to look. Not that he's so great looking. LOL He says he just likes to look at beautiful people. He even comments on great looking men and he's 100% hetero.

He's also a huge flirt who does so by trying to make everyone laugh. He even flirts with the women in the assisted living homes. LOL I almost never say anything when he does look. Except. Yes, I have this... problem. All I want to know is does, he have the right to know the truth? Not looking for rudeness or personal attacks and if you don't read the whole post, please don't reply. If it starts becoming too personal, mods, please close it. This is a very sensitive topic for me.

Long story as short as possible...

The only time I get upset at his looking is when he's looking at girls who look 16, 17, because most of them are even younger than they appear, esp these days.

We got into a horrendous fight (that's a huge understatement but in the interest of long story short...) and it's lasted over a month. I flipped on him for checking out this girl who looked 16, max. I tried not to say anything but inside I was raging and ended up blowing up over it. Wrong way to handle it, I know. I get it. But I always rage inside like that when I see an old(er) man check out girls that young and I attribute it to an old(er) man raping me as a teen. When I see these old farts looking at these children as more than the children they are, I feel an almost uncontrollable rage.

I let my guy think I was angry because I'm jealous as I don't want him thinking I think he's a pervert. I know he's not. He just appreciates beautiful women. His looking at 20-somethings to our age and even older doesn't phase me. But he seems to have no ability to tell ages in males or females.

I was told by someone close to me I was wrong for not telling him why I became so angry. He already knows I was raped at a young age but he doesn't know about my (over?) protectiveness of teens.

We nearly broke up yesterday over it because he said he can't get over what I said to him about him checking her out. I said, I can't compete with that when I was really thinking it turns my stomach to see someone as old as you look at a child's ass like that.

We're back on track--but treading lightly, do I go to him with the truth or let it go?
You honestly said that? How do you think that's gonna make you feel? Maybe like a pervert for suggesting in an underhanded way he likes 16 year old girls??

No wonder he is so unhappy with you.

What happened to you as a teen has no doubt left deep-seated scars on your psyche. I'm sorry to hear about it, but burying under the carpet will just lead to more problems like what you've described. If you're serious about him you owe it to him to tell him, especially if it's still bugging you so much.

And if you're not happy with him constantly looking tell him to at least tone it down a bit. Unless you're fine with it.
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Old 05-08-2012, 09:08 PM
 
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,693 posts, read 17,053,729 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes View Post
I can relate to some of what you said, not to go into too many details. But it is disgusting when they check out these preteens and teeny boppers. I know them to do this all the time....one thing though some of them do not predict the ages well like we can (women). The others just don't care. There was man in my neighborhood got arrested for messing around with a 14 year old girl at his apartment. I do beleive there's a lot of them that simply don't care. Anyway, figure out which one he is: doesn't realize or doesn't care. If it's option 1 you really should tell him WHY. If it's option 2....
That's true, but as the OP said he might be a bad judge of age. Might be thinking this girl looks 18, or something.

Most men don't admit it, but I bet a good majority 'check out' 16-17 year old girls all the time.
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