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There are multiple issues at play here, but we'll focus on the main point.
You have some baggage that needs to be cleared, but it may take years to clear as it has been incubating inside you for a long long time.
Your over protectiveness stems from you relating it to your own traumatic experiences and linking your guy to the individual who violated you in the past. It's not fair to be relating him to this experience and it's up to you to break away from this line of thought before he accommodates your demands. You need to be honest with him, otherwise he's left in the dark. In addition if you relate him to your traumatic experience you may be creating a wedge in your relationship. If the wedge widens you'll be in rough waters.
You can have a problem if he only looks at teens all day, but if he's looking at a broad range of 20-80 year olds then it's hard to bust a nut on the guy when all he is doing is he's looking.
This is a huge issue, given you past history. It needs to be discussed, so he can understand the roots of your emotions around this. If he cares about you, he won't blow it off and say that you have a problem. If he doesn't react in a caring and concerned way, that would be a red flag that there's something wrong in the relationship, that he doesn't care about you like he should.
That said, this issue shouldn't be hanging over your relationship forever. It is possible to resolve old traumas so that they lose their emotional kick.
It does seem a bit inconsiderate, though, to be obviously checking out all these women when he's with you. Can't he confine that to times when he's alone? What do you think would happen if you checked out men while the two of you were out and about together? Is your relationship ok otherwise?
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,005,830 times
Reputation: 9418
Just read all responses. Thank you all for your honesty and insight. I appreciate it. A couple answers were a little harsh with presumptions but I get it. And there are some great responses here. Thank you.
I sought help for this from, roughly, 17 to 30. It wasn't until my abuser became deathly ill I forgave him. It didn't mean I excused it or trusted him again and it wasn't so much for him as it was for myself. That opened a lot of doors for me I won't go into but it changed my life for the better.
I've seen older men look at teens in public and was quietly enraged by it, as I said. But it wasn't until I started seeing someone who does it that I realized what a problem it is for me. I can't say anything to the strangers I see do it. But I don't have to accept it in my man.
To someone who thought it doesn't bother me that he looks, I might have under-stated how I feel there. It does bother me to some extent when he looks at women when he's with me but I don't feel the need to react or feel enraged. It's just embarrassing. Most men probably won't understand this but when we're with a man and another woman sees him staring at her while he's with us, it's humiliating to some of us--depending on how he does it. A glance, no big deal. A gawk and double-take or worse, not good. There's plenty of time to do that when we're not together. One of my favorite sayings on that is, A boy makes his girl jealous of other woman. A gentleman makes other women jealous of his girl.
Yes, I do need to tell him. You're right. I guess I already knew that. I'm just dreading it. I'm not too good at saying things sometimes and don't want to come across as saying he's a perv.
Just read all responses. Thank you all for your honesty and insight. I appreciate it. A couple answers were a little harsh with presumptions but I get it. And there are some great responses here. Thank you.
I sought help for this from, roughly, 17 to 30. It wasn't until my abuser became deathly ill I forgave him. It didn't mean I excused it or trusted him again and it wasn't so much for him as it was for myself. That opened a lot of doors for me I won't go into but it changed my life for the better.
I've seen older men look at teens in public and was quietly enraged by it, as I said. But it wasn't until I started seeing someone who does it that I realized what a problem it is for me. I can't say anything to the strangers I see do it. But I don't have to accept it in my man.
To someone who thought it doesn't bother me that he looks, I might have under-stated how I feel there. It does bother me to some extent when he looks at women when he's with me but I don't feel the need to react or feel enraged. It's just embarrassing. Most men probably won't understand this but when we're with a man and another woman sees him staring at her while he's with us, it's humiliating to some of us--depending on how he does it. A glance, no big deal. A gawk and double-take or worse, not good. There's plenty of time to do that when we're not together. One of my favorite sayings on that is, A boy makes his girl jealous of other woman. A gentleman makes other women jealous of his girl.
Yes, I do need to tell him. You're right. I guess I already knew that. I'm just dreading it. I'm not too good at saying things sometimes and don't want to come across as saying he's a perv.
Hugs to you my friend
When you tell him be sure to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements.
That keeps the focus on this being something you are hypersensitive about and doesn't come off like you are calling him a "perv" okay?
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,005,830 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
This is a huge issue, given you past history. It needs to be discussed, so he can understand the roots of your emotions around this. If he cares about you, he won't blow it off and say that you have a problem. If he doesn't react in a caring and concerned way, that would be a red flag that there's something wrong in the relationship, that he doesn't care about you like he should.
That said, this issue shouldn't be hanging over your relationship forever. It is possible to resolve old trauma s so that they lose their emotional kick.
It does seem a bit inconsiderate, though, to be obviously checking out all these women when he's with you. Can't he confine that to times when he's alone? What do you think would happen if you checked out men while the two of you were out and about together? Is your relationship ok otherwise?
This happened. We were walking along the main street in Vegas when he pointed out a billboard with a young man in his underwear only. I glanced and looked away. I hardly noticed. I was thinking of something else and was truly disinterested. Later, he told me, "You hardly seem to notice other men. Why don't you look around more? There's a world out there!" I told him this. "I know there's a world out there but the things I notice are different than what you notice. I look at trees, clouds, lakes, oceans, fields, just nature." I couldn't care less about asses. Am I strange for that? LOL
To someone who thought it doesn't bother me that he looks, I might have under-stated how I feel there. It does bother me to some extent when he looks at women when he's with me but I don't feel the need to react or feel enraged. It's just embarrassing. Most men probably won't understand this but when we're with a man and another woman sees him staring at her while he's with us, it's humiliating to some of us--depending on how he does it. A glance, no big deal. A gawk and double-take or worse, not good. There's plenty of time to do that when we're not together. One of my favorite sayings on that is, A boy makes his girl jealous of other woman. A gentleman makes other women jealous of his girl.
Yes, I do need to tell him. You're right. I guess I already knew that. I'm just dreading it. I'm not too good at saying things sometimes and don't want to come across as saying he's a perv.
WB, you're right that he shouldn't be ogling other women when he's with you, it's disrespectful. It's a subtle put-down of you.
If you talk to him about this, it doesn't have to sound like he's a perv. Does he know about the rape? You can start by saying your really uncomfortable when he looks at women in general when he's with you, start with that issue. Then explain that it especially bothers you when he looks at teens, because of your earlier trauma, it brings up really strong feelings, and that's why you got mad at him. Focus on you, how you feel when he looks at teens. But bring it back to the more general concern about how you feel disrespected when he's looking at any women.
If this doesn't go over well, then I would suggest couples counseling for this, because it's major. And it's really two issues rolled into one.
This happened. We were walking along the main street in Vegas when he pointed out a billboard with a young man in his underwear only. I glanced and looked away. I hardly noticed. I was thinking of something else and was truly disinterested. Later, he told me, "You hardly seem to notice other men. Why don't you look around more? There's a world out there!" I told him this. "I know there's a world out there but the things I notice are different than what you notice. I look at trees, clouds, lakes, oceans, fields, just nature." I couldn't care less about asses. Am I strange for that? LOL
Yes, otherwise, we're great together.
No, you're not strange. When I walk around, I don't even see my surroundings much, I'm off on a cloud somewhere, thinking about other things. Or I'm blissing out on the great spring weather, or something. I'm not a people-watcher.
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