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Old 09-19-2007, 05:04 AM
 
Location: NoVa
18,435 posts, read 28,167,660 times
Reputation: 19566

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This is how I felt. My husband was going to leave our abusive home, him being the abuser to the kids and I.

Then he changed his mind. I will not leave. I want to stay married. It will get better (after12+ years of this)

You can leave. You cannot take the kids. You can have one of the cats and go.

I could not leave, not without my children, so i had to stay until I could afford to leave, legally, I had to be sure, with my children.

He held us hostage in that house.

How would you react to this? My lawyer said if worse comes to worse, you could leave, get on your feet, and fight for the kids....no way brother!

I left that house, and I have my kids. To be held hostage in your own home. A terrible feeling, but to be free in your new home....overjoyed...
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Old 09-19-2007, 05:20 AM
 
24,931 posts, read 22,773,938 times
Reputation: 14921
First off, I would most certainly seek extensive counseling, for you and the children...to stay in an abusive marriage that long will most certainly have an effect, on you and your children. After years of abuse, it will take you years to deprogram, not only you, but your children...I do not know how old they are, but it is very important you stay on top of them, constantly being aware of their behavior, so they to, do not become abusive.

Also, another huge reason for you to seek counseling is to find out why, you accepted so little....there must be reasons from your childhood, that you accepted such dispicable behavior for so long....in other words, at some point, you must have deemed his behavior normal for a while....why did you live in denial for so long...why did you believe you didn't deserve to be living any better. And why did you continue to keep bringing children into this?

I say these things, b/c If you don't self explore, you will constantly blame him for everything....and the fact of the matter is, you chose this for a life...why?

I also say this, b/c I've been thru it....and you must deal with these questions and more, otherwise, you will sadly continue to choose loosers for mates.

You also need to know, that you don't have to have someone in your life, for the soul purpose of taking care of you, and as a woman, your job in life, can be so so much more...then simply waiting on a man and having children....

Believe it and keep moving forward

Hugs
Creme
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Old 09-19-2007, 05:51 AM
 
Location: NoVa
18,435 posts, read 28,167,660 times
Reputation: 19566
I did have issues from childhood, but guess what? I did not realize them until recently, after all of this.

I don't blame him for all of this, because i was not strong enough, but he DID NOT have the right to do what he did, and I did remove myself and kids when i was able.

So many times I tried, and I was not strong enough. The behavior was normal for me, because we were together since HS, it was all I knew.
I am moving foward, and it is a good move...
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Old 09-19-2007, 06:17 AM
 
24,931 posts, read 22,773,938 times
Reputation: 14921
Quote:
Originally Posted by cinderobyn View Post
I did have issues from childhood, but guess what? I did not realize them until recently, after all of this.

I don't blame him for all of this, because i was not strong enough, but he DID NOT have the right to do what he did, and I did remove myself and kids when i was able.

So many times I tried, and I was not strong enough. The behavior was normal for me, because we were together since HS, it was all I knew.
I am moving foward, and it is a good move...
You will realize things, probably for the rest of your life...things come in waves...call them awakenings, but, and yes, his did not have the right to do what he did, no question there...but in all due respect....after such a long time, held hostage, there is negative conditioning, and things that you will have to deal with and acknowledge....it isn't over just cause you left...believe me...leaving was just the beginning....and most importantly, for the children's sake, you don't want to ever repeat the pattern again....

I am wishing you nothing but the best....and it will be a long hard road at times....but there isn't anything we can't do, if we put our minds down to it....

My best
Creme
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Old 09-19-2007, 06:22 AM
 
Location: Midwest
6,737 posts, read 8,466,269 times
Reputation: 16498
You need time to heal from all you have been through -

Maybe get involved with something that's fun or get a hobby. I know when things happened in my life, the more I was free, the more my brain would go over the past. Over all the ifs, whens, hows, etc.

Give yourself time -
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Old 09-19-2007, 07:03 AM
 
788 posts, read 1,872,671 times
Reputation: 593
All of that is so true - once you leave the situation all sorts of things will come to you - I remember that I always parked a certain way because he would flip out if I didn't and it would go from the way the tires were to everything else under the sun. Years later I realized that I was still doing it - I mean 10 years later.....
It's a long road and it will take you a long time - but allow yourself the time to be angry - to heal. Be patient with yourself.
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Old 09-20-2007, 07:19 AM
 
Location: Old Town Alexandria
14,506 posts, read 22,950,970 times
Reputation: 8823
Quote:
Originally Posted by cinderobyn View Post
This is how I felt. My husband was going to leave our abusive home, him being the abuser to the kids and I.

Then he changed his mind. I will not leave. I want to stay married. It will get better (after12+ years of this)

You can leave. You cannot take the kids. You can have one of the cats and go.

I could not leave, not without my children, so i had to stay until I could afford to leave, legally, I had to be sure, with my children.

He held us hostage in that house.

How would you react to this? My lawyer said if worse comes to worse, you could leave, get on your feet, and fight for the kids....no way brother!

I left that house, and I have my kids. To be held hostage in your own home. A terrible feeling, but to be free in your new home....overjoyed...

OMG Robyn- I havent had time to catch up on your threads- but please stick to your guns- and never let him see you cry- he isnt worth one tear(like my stbx idiot)

I met 3 women at the health club yesterday who went through similar issues....there are alot of psychos out there- and men tend to avoid therapy in most cases......


sunny
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Old 09-20-2007, 09:52 AM
 
Location: Southern California
24,272 posts, read 23,488,907 times
Reputation: 22249
Quote:
Originally Posted by cinderobyn View Post

You can leave. You cannot take the kids. You can have one of the cats and go.
I know this post isn't about me, so I apologize, but I wanted to say that this is exactly how I feel. My DH isn't abusive, though. He's actually a pretty laid-back man. BUT when I've wanted to leave, that has always been the reaction. If he gets scared that I'm really about to go, that's when the threats come out. He'll tell the courts I beat the children, he'll borrow family money to get a lawyer and just drain me until I can't fight any more, etc. I just wanted to say that when you stated "Being held hostage!" in your post, that's exactly how I feel.
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Old 09-20-2007, 11:14 AM
 
Location: In the sunshine on a ship with a plank
3,413 posts, read 7,768,207 times
Reputation: 2213
Quote:
Originally Posted by cinderobyn View Post
I did have issues from childhood, but guess what? I did not realize them until recently, after all of this.
Robyn I've shared my history in your other thread- but I also realized when I came out of the darkness that I had many issues that affected my choices. And I'm still learning and dealing with them.


Jerz-------- GIRL, you've got an entire cheering section here. Please don't let yourself feel trapped. You only live once and you deserve to be happy on that trip. Wishing you strength.
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