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Old 05-13-2012, 03:19 PM
 
Location: Arizona
1,192 posts, read 1,211,769 times
Reputation: 1477

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I would get while the getting is good. Seems as though you have been putting a lot into this relationship and she doesn't care.

Half your paycheck...good luck. Usually the spouse won't get spousal support until 10 years of marriage has been reached. And even then it depends on their ability to earn. I'm sure she could get a FT job to support herself.

I would consult an attorney now, get a separate bank account and start depositing money in there.

Good luck
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Old 05-13-2012, 04:48 PM
 
1,270 posts, read 1,210,382 times
Reputation: 1146
Attempting to repair your relationship at this point seems hopeless and exhausting.
Get a divorce, move, and start over.

Rather than dwelling on the (slim) possibility that you could work it out with her...just think that you can start over and have a greater chance at finding happiness elsewhere.
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Old 05-13-2012, 06:36 PM
 
11,000 posts, read 7,120,583 times
Reputation: 8246
She doesn't seem capable of looking at your feelings and having empathy. I don't think she will ever change without medication. Maybe not even then. You need to decide if it's okay for you to give up your best for her while she keeps your feelings in the back burner or if you should get out now while it's not too late.
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Old 05-13-2012, 06:44 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
32,773 posts, read 18,667,002 times
Reputation: 22801
This is a mess. You don't need this. She can't appreciate the enormous effort you're making juggling long work hours with school, and...,there was a suicide attempt? What was that about? Not that it matters now. She wants a divorce, she's got a divorce. Are you sure she doesn't have manic-depression, or some kind of psychiatric disorder?

Just curious (not needling you); was there no sign of anything like this drama, self-absorption, etc. etc. during the courtship phase?
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Old 05-13-2012, 11:16 PM
 
1,426 posts, read 1,073,939 times
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Well, lets be clear about my part in this:

I've laughed at her when she cried, I've skipped birthdays/holidays, I ignored her daily to pursue my hobbies (6-8 hours/day or so), I secluded myself from her and her family, I ignored her sisters/my nephew to the point they all believe I "dislike" them, I've openly and regularly criticized her mother/sister/father to my wife and to other members of her family, I skipped their holiday dinners (thanksgiving, Christmas) and made my wife cry and go alone, I considered it a relief when she befriended internet guy and started regularly talking to him (so I could spend MORE time with my hobbies), I got upset with her for being depressed or feeling anxiety, I accused family members at a family members funeral of faking emotions, and embarrassed my wife by my "monstrous" behavior..etc etc etc...etc etc etc.

She said she was preparing to leave me - then she got drunk at the party and the suicide thing erupted, then I spent the night with her in the ICU and we got counseling - where I was diagnosed, and she claims she began to see me differently.

All these things I could rationally think as being "wrong" - but when I'm in the situation, it's entirely different.

We met online when we were both teenagers, even back then she had depression (it runs in her family..plus environmental from her mother), there really was no dating, just periodic talking.

The thought of dating kind of scares me, as there's so many people I can't stand. I don't like extreme emotions, but prefer unhappiness if I had to chose, as it's generally more quiet and calm than happiness. I absolutely cannot stand excited people, as squeals, the facial expressions, and unpredictability drives me nuts. Quietly sobbing I can understand and rationalize away, but - not someone jumping all over you and trying to get close etc. I also can't do small talk, and would rather not meet family members or friends. Suffice it to say I've never dated. Also despite being married for 5 years, the fact that women "like" and would want to be friends/etc with a man I find odd. In the past, girls in HS etc would eventually come up and tell me they liked me, and I just didn't believe them.

Also regarding her work - she worked full time for a little over a year at a very stressful job. She worked about 2 months straight with only 1 day off a week, before getting "fed up" with it and me, which led to the suicide thing. She's currently seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist, both of whom "are surprised" she was able to hold down a job with her depression/anxiety. And one of whom wanted to see me regarding my behavior r/t her...

The marriage therapist we're seeing is putting the responsibility on me for "neglecting" her, while my wife is getting grilled (I don't know if that's the appropriate word) for turning outside of the relationship for comfort.

Anyway, there's more information for a more clear picture.

Last edited by TheEarthBeneathMe; 05-13-2012 at 11:31 PM..
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Old 05-14-2012, 12:30 AM
 
6,281 posts, read 3,701,698 times
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Dude, she's still unstable. You need to work on how you deal with the Aspberger's, but now that you know things will be much easier. I was diagnosed way late with ADD, and just knowing I have it has resulted in major changes for the better in my life.

However, people don't make a suicide attempt just because they're married to someone with offputting behaviors. She's got issues she needs to deal with. Being someone with Aspberger's, you've probably never really hidden who you are. She still married you, but now she seems to blame you for all the problems in the relationship. That indicates there's something a little warped in her thinking. Also, how is it no one figured out you were an Aspie until now? You exhibit textbook symptoms.

You would probably both benefit from not being in a relationship right now, because you both have a lot of personal stuff to work on.
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Old 05-14-2012, 01:57 AM
 
1,426 posts, read 1,073,939 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
Also, how is it no one figured out you were an Aspie until now? You exhibit textbook symptoms.
A combination of attending 4 different elementary/middle schools, having a father who is an alcoholic/abusive/parents going through a divorce getting the blame, being labeled as "painfully shy," skipping every Wednesday in highschool (go two days, off a day, go two days, off the weekend), then ultimately dropping out when you're beginning your junior year.

Start college, sit at the front of the class and ignore everybody around you. Make no friends, talk to no body, have trouble talking to and interacting with peers.

Befriend older homeless people living around campus/riding the bus around your city.

That was pretty much my life. Then I met my wife and she "balanced" me to an extent.
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Old 05-14-2012, 06:32 AM
 
Location: Heart of Dixie
1,298 posts, read 1,071,289 times
Reputation: 1540
Head North to Alaska, come in out of the wilderness....
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Old 05-14-2012, 06:52 AM
 
3,651 posts, read 4,849,873 times
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Thank you for the honest picture of your own part in this relationship, and how you see the world/people. It would be taxing for your partner, no doubt, especially for a young inexperienced one. (btw, how on earth do you find 6-8 hours a day for your hobbies, on top of the 50-hour-a-week job and a full-time study?)

As hard as it will be to date for you, (and money aside), I think you ought to release her, as a lot of her problems have arisen as a result of your personality, and it seems to me she is screaming for a breather. She may realize much later that you were good for her and to her, but now she needs to be elsewhere.

My partner exhibit slight Aspergers traits, and I know first-hand how frustrating it can be -- and he's got it much slighter than what you wrote (eg. no social fear). I know that in every relationship the old ideal is destructed and a new mutual ideal is built (sometimes painfully), but it is so much more intense when a partner has Aspergers. I just cannot see a young inexperienced person handling it well. To tell the truth, our son was the real bridge that allowed me to see how my husband worked. Since our son inherited slight Aspergers, too, I started seeing what my husband was like as a young boy, how he got to be the way he is. Since I love my son to pieces, my heart ached thinking how he could be treated in a relationship. That basically erased my bitterness, and I understood I had to accept my husband the way he is. Maybe I am slightly autistic, as well, as I don't need much socializing, and us working as a team on our common pursuits is all I need. In any case, the world is full of non-conformist women, not everyone is into makeup and clothes, but into their unusual pursuits (hobbies), and that's where you should train yourself to look (though of course the makeup/clothes women catch the eye first).

That's another unknown, as well - your child will most likely inherit your Aspergers, and the woman should be capable to handle this child, too.
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Old 05-14-2012, 07:32 AM
 
6,281 posts, read 3,701,698 times
Reputation: 14681
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheEarthBeneathMe View Post
A combination of attending 4 different elementary/middle schools, having a father who is an alcoholic/abusive/parents going through a divorce getting the blame, being labeled as "painfully shy," skipping every Wednesday in highschool (go two days, off a day, go two days, off the weekend), then ultimately dropping out when you're beginning your junior year.

Start college, sit at the front of the class and ignore everybody around you. Make no friends, talk to no body, have trouble talking to and interacting with peers.

Befriend older homeless people living around campus/riding the bus around your city.

That was pretty much my life. Then I met my wife and she "balanced" me to an extent.
Yeah. I met the guy who became the most meaningful relationship of my life to date while still in the throes of dealing with the death of my best friend and her mother, who was my mentor. I was still undiagnosed with ADD and completely freaked out by most social interactions and often just the concept of leaving the house. He was coming out of a series of relationships with women who were mainly abusive sociopaths (except for the woman before me) and still dealing with a neglectful/abusive upbringing. We basically put each other back together, but there was only so much we could do for each other. Our issues were bigger than what we could help each other with. (For example, I had high anxiety levels; he was an extreme risk taker.) We broke up (amicably), had some drama between us and then started creating new lives. A few years later we gave "us" another shot, but we'd simply grown apart. I think we're both spectacularly happy right now, but we don't stay in touch really (just last I heard, he was in a very good place too). We were just what we needed at a certain time in our lives, and we have good feelings for each other - just not enough to sustain a relationship.

You guys both have a LOT to deal with right now. I think your therapists should be helping you separate as amicably as possible (her getting HALF your paycheck is insane, btw) so that you can both focus on being independent adults. For example, right now, you are most comfortable with your wife when she is at her lowest. That's not really compatible with either of you being happy, and pretty destructive to her mental health if she's dealing with anxiety/depression. This isn't necessarily the end of the relationship, but you should both step back from each other to focus on coping with your own stuff. Give things a try when you are both in a better place and more well-adjusted adults - when you can choose each other because you respect and admire each other's strengths rather than because you have compatible weaknesses.

This is what my ex and I did, and it didn't work out for us. But it hasn't been a sad thing for us. We are both happier for having been with each other, but we recognized the expiration date on what we had and have since gone on to experiences/relationships that have further increased our happiness. You guys might find you CAN make it work. But I think you both have too much on your plates to work on a marriage and your own issues.
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