Simple advice needed for a complicated relationship issue. (long-term, marriage, woman)

[Dewdrop93]

Originally Posted by Nonlocal

Another thing that, honestly, simply scares me about potentially ending the relationship is the effect it would have on her. She moved two states, away from her home and family, to live with me. She's invested everything in her life to be here, has a job here, plans to go to school, and no other family or real friends in the area. That and I know how strongly she feels about this relationship, how badly she wants it to work, and how convinced she is that I'm "the one" for her. I've always warned her of the possibility that things might not work out, but I think she's always convinced herself that she "knew" they would. She also internalizes a lot of pain, so I'm scared of the emotional impact a break up would have on her. I'm disgusted by the thought that by getting this far into the relationship with such a central issue, I've created the possibility of causing so much harm, and it hardly seems worth it unless it's an absolute certainty that the relationship is no longer worth salvaging.

Would you want someone to stay with you because they felt sorry for you?

[The Siobhan]

I think you two have become each other's habit.


Six years isn't that huge of an age difference when you are dealing with people who are both over the age of 25. However, if we look back at your relationship. You two met when she was 18 and you were 25. She would have been leaving high school and making the transition into legal adulthood; you on the other hand have had 7 years to develop that maturity. You mentioned that you were her first in everything, so I am assuming that she was an 18 year old virgin and you were a 25 year old dude who had had sexual relationships in the past. You represent her first real adult relationship, and she knows no one else but you. And for you, she's the adoring little puppy who makes you feel like a bigger man. She's with you because she knows no one else. You are with her because she is emotionally developing and you think this level of inexperience means she is less likely to hurt you in the long run.

Maybe the tone of the relationship had been different if you had met when she was 21 and you were 27, as she would have had time to make relationship mistakes with someone else, but know it seems that both of you are toxic to each other. She needs to grow and you need to move on.

[Wmsn4Life]

Originally Posted by Nonlocal

Right now, today, no. She would say the same. However, the hope I cling to is that either A) If we can manage compromises long enough, over time (years) I'll naturally mature out of my lust and the issue will gradually minimize until it's gone, or B) through counseling or some other resolve, we can target why I lust and eliminate it. Do you think either or both of those is too unrealistic?

No, I do not think it is realistic. Well, I think A) sounds like a death sentence and B) is unrealistic. I have tried it myself, and it does not get better. Lustful feelings are part of WHY we couple up; it's what drives the human need for relationships. Otherwise you could just live with your nuclear family or friends all your life and be covered for companionship etc.

Now that is not to say that you should end every relationship just because you look at a pretty girl that walks by. At some point you have to control your actions. But this, to me, is a big sign for you to move on. Your relationship with her is not fulfilling enough to get you to that point of saying "no" to your urges.

It IS self-deception. Forget all the stupid talk about swinging and open relationships etc. That's just you trying to have it both ways.

[Ruth4Truth]

OP, the simple fact is that the two of you are on completely different pages, relationship-wise. No amount of counseling is going to change that. You're not ready to commit, she's really into committing. Do her a favor, and cut her loose to find someone who's ready to commit. It's not fair to her, otherwise, to string her along. Go sow your oats, and leave her to find what's best for her. It's not you.

[Nonlocal]

Originally Posted by Sweetlilac

Right person, wrong time, perhaps.

As good a four words to describe our relationship as any. I've always kind of felt this way. What's frustrating is the risk of losing that right person forever because of poor timing.

[Wmsn4Life]

Originally Posted by Nonlocal

Another thing that, honestly, simply scares me about potentially ending the relationship is the effect it would have on her. She moved two states, away from her home and family, to live with me. She's invested everything in her life to be here, has a job here, plans to go to school, and no other family or real friends in the area. That and I know how strongly she feels about this relationship, how badly she wants it to work, and how convinced she is that I'm "the one" for her. I've always warned her of the possibility that things might not work out, but I think she's always convinced herself that she "knew" they would. She also internalizes a lot of pain, so I'm scared of the emotional impact a break up would have on her. I'm disgusted by the thought that by getting this far into the relationship with such a central issue, I've created the possibility of causing so much harm, and it hardly seems worth it unless it's an absolute certainty that the relationship is no longer worth salvaging.

See, as an old married lady, this just pisses me off.

Moving in with you was her choice.

You cannot carry this around. At some point, you have to stop being her father figure/protector and treat her like a person instead of a fragile little creature who cannot be responsible for her actions.

If you're lucky, life gets REALLY LONG after age 27. You aren't even 30 yet. You can't know it now, but you both have so much more to see and do.

The emotional impact will be very hard, but it is a risk inherent in any relationship.

[Nonlocal]

Originally Posted by The Siobhan

I think you two have become each other's habit.
...

You represent her first real adult relationship, and she knows no one else but you. And for you, she's the adoring little puppy who makes you feel like a bigger man. She's with you because she knows no one else. You are with her because she is emotionally developing and you think this level of inexperience means she is less likely to hurt you in the long run.

...
it seems that both of you are toxic to each other.

I agree with most of your analysis but especially these points.

[Sweetlilac]

Originally Posted by Nonlocal

As good a four words to describe our relationship as any. I've always kind of felt this way. What's frustrating is the risk of losing that right person forever because of poor timing.

She does sound like a great girl and I know and you know that you really shouldn't let her go, but you almost have no choice. This is making me sad...

[Nonlocal]

So my takeaway so far is that it's maybe time to sit down and seriously think about a break or simply ending the relationship if our upcoming counseling doesn't bring any new revelations, and not maintain things simply because of what may or may not be at stake (or for her sake). If/when I share this thread with my girlfriend, she's going to hate it. There's some intricacies not discussed yet (such as the ironic fact that I'm actually the one with a significantly lower sex drive, which also weighs in on costs/benefits of my lust), but overall you guys do make some good points.

[Wmsn4Life]

I don't think I would show her this thread. I REALLY don't think that would be a good idea. I believe she would 1) feel betrayed that you got feedback from "someone else," and 2) get distracted by what we all don't know about your relationship.

You need to have a discussion, sure, but base it on your own thoughts about what you've read here.

I wish you the best, as this is difficult. I have one question: What revelations do you think the next therapy session could bring that would make any difference?