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There's a man that I've known for eleven years that I'm having a hard time figuring out.
We met in 2001 and clicked right away as friends. We spoke on the phone periodically, and then started going out every weekend. At first we went out with friends that we had in common. But soon enough, we started going out alone. He'd pick me up at home, and we'd go to very posh restaurants, concerts, movies, go for long walks during which he'd put his arms around my shoulders, and we'd tell each other about our lives and discuss our life goals.
After about 4-5 months of talking on the phone a couple of times a week, and going out once or twice a week, one day one of my friends called to tell me that he had shown up at my church with another woman. I hadn't gone to church that day, so I didn't see them. There was no reason for him to be at my church since he didn't attend any particular church, and just went to whichever church he wanted to on Sundays. My friend said that they were behaving kind of affectionately toward one another.
I was shocked and called one of our mutual friends about this. She admitted that she had known that he was seeing this other woman, but she didn't know any details. I couldn't believe that he would so cavalierly take another woman to my territory (my church), knowing that he could run into me there. So I called him and asked what was going on. He seemed surprised and nonchalantly told me how he'd met this woman and that he was dating her. I was very upset and told him that I thought we were dating exclusively. He was shocked that I had that impression because we had never talked about dating romantically, and that he thought we were just friends. I was so angry that I told him off and told him I never wanted to speak to him again.
Fastforward to November 2010. We unexpectedly ran into each other. We're each going through a divorce. He married the woman that he had taken to my church, and after 4 years of marriage, she wound up cheating on him, taking his money, and filing for a divorce.
So we renewed our friendship and were very supportive toward one another since we're both having emotional ups and downs from our divorces. There was nothing romantic at all--just friends. In early 2011 we're both officially divorced. To make a long story short, we spend a lot of time talking as friends--and it was great.
Then, in Feb. 2011 he lost both his parents, to whom he was very close. I was there for him throughout the entire ordeal. He started seeing a therapist, and was doing well with dealing with the upheaval in his life.
By Christmas 2011, we started talking about our feelings for one another and why we never got together romantically. He said that back in 2001, he didn't think I was interested in him that way because I wasn't that open about myself. (From my perspective, I had been very open with him.) Anyway, we were very honest with each other about our feelings and admitted that we really cared about one another.
In early 2012 we spoke on the phone once to wish each other a happy new year, and I never heard from him again.
I've called him 4 or 5 times since January, but he hasn't returned any of my calls. At first I thought he might've been sick, which is why I kept calling. Then I thought he was dead. However, calls came from his cell number twice, but he left no messages--seems like he accidentally pushed the button for my number. Also, recently I saw him at a distance as I was driving, so I know he's not dead.
This man is 51 years old. We've discussed that the time for playing games is over, so I am confused by his mixed signals. I'm staying away from him because that's what he wants, but this situation makes me sad. Everytime I get feelings for him, he disappears.
There's a man that I've known for eleven years that I'm having a hard time figuring out.
We met in 2001 and clicked right away as friends. We spoke on the phone periodically, and then started going out every weekend. At first we went out with friends that we had in common. But soon enough, we started going out alone. He'd pick me up at home, and we'd go to very posh restaurants, concerts, movies, go for long walks during which he'd put his arms around my shoulders, and we'd tell each other about our lives and discuss our life goals.
After about 4-5 months of talking on the phone a couple of times a week, and going out once or twice a week, one day one of my friends called to tell me that he had shown up at my church with another woman. I hadn't gone to church that day, so I didn't see them. There was no reason for him to be at my church since he didn't attend any particular church, and just went to whichever church he wanted to on Sundays. My friend said that they were behaving kind of affectionately toward one another.
I was shocked and called one of our mutual friends about this. She admitted that she had known that he was seeing this other woman, but she didn't know any details. I couldn't believe that he would so cavalierly take another woman to my territory (my church), knowing that he could run into me there. So I called him and asked what was going on. He seemed surprised and nonchalantly told me how he'd met this woman and that he was dating her. I was very upset and told him that I thought we were dating exclusively. He was shocked that I had that impression because we had never talked about dating romantically, and that he thought we were just friends. I was so angry that I told him off and told him I never wanted to speak to him again.
Fastforward to November 2010. We unexpectedly ran into each other. We're each going through a divorce. He married the woman that he had taken to my church, and after 4 years of marriage, she wound up cheating on him, taking his money, and filing for a divorce.
So we renewed our friendship and were very supportive toward one another since we're both having emotional ups and downs from our divorces. There was nothing romantic at all--just friends. In early 2011 we're both officially divorced. To make a long story short, we spend a lot of time talking as friends--and it was great.
Then, in Feb. 2011 he lost both his parents, to whom he was very close. I was there for him throughout the entire ordeal. He started seeing a therapist, and was doing well with dealing with the upheaval in his life.
By Christmas 2011, we started talking about our feelings for one another and why we never got together romantically. He said that back in 2001, he didn't think I was interested in him that way because I wasn't that open about myself. (From my perspective, I had been very open with him.) Anyway, we were very honest with each other about our feelings and admitted that we really cared about one another.
In early 2012 we spoke on the phone once to wish each other a happy new year, and I never heard from him again.
I've called him 4 or 5 times since January, but he hasn't returned any of my calls. At first I thought he might've been sick, which is why I kept calling. Then I thought he was dead. However, calls came from his cell number twice, but he left no messages--seems like he accidentally pushed the button for my number. Also, recently I saw him at a distance as I was driving, so I know he's not dead.
This man is 51 years old. We've discussed that the time for playing games is over, so I am confused by his mixed signals. I'm staying away from him because that's what he wants, but this situation makes me sad. Everytime I get feelings for him, he disappears.
What do you think of his behavior?
Honey- rent the movie "He's Just Not That Into You."
Any man, especially one his age, should know if he is attracted to a woman or not. I think he appreciates your love and friendship, but there is an obvious lack of sexual attraction. It comes through pretty clearly as in all of that time, you never did anything. (unless you left that part out)
I just ended a relationship with a guy who was doing this very thing to another lady. They loved each other, and were there to pick each other up through the years, but he never really wanted her intimately. And he could not tell her, as it would have "hurt her feelings" too much.
The signs point to "I love you but I am not in love with you..."
He cares about you, maybe in a sisterly or friendly way. Perhaps he had romantic feelings for you once, but I don't think he does now. If he really wished the two of you would finally get together, he would return your calls.
Mixed messages usually means he doesn't know what he wants. Half in / half out , not nearly good enough. Now he doesn't return calls . . .means he doesn't want communication. At least not now . . .sorry He'll probably come around in his own time.
Honey- rent the movie "He's Just Not That Into You."
Yes, this.
Even though you were a very supportive friend, he is definitely not sending mixed signals. He is not into you romantically. He has not made a move in a decade. I believe he saw the new year as a chance to break ties with you.
You never had any momentum or forward impetus. Your relationship stagnated. You never mention desire or passion. What you described is what I have with a large number of male friends, except for the arm over my shoulders. He got frustrated.
Look, I'm not saying you gotta put out necessarily, but there aren't any sparks in your rather long post - nothing to sustain a ROMANTIC attachment. You describe a beautiful friendship, but if you guys are talking romance and all that's happening is friendship, well, stuff is gonna get confused. And guys tend to withdraw when they are at a loss.
I'm thinking he wants more than just friendship...intimacy as well....he's not getting that from you....so he's looking elsewhere....pretty well what JrzDefector wrote.
You never had any momentum or forward impetus. Your relationship stagnated. You never mention desire or passion. He got frustrated.
Look, I'm not saying you gotta put out necessarily, but there aren't any sparks in your rather long post - nothing to sustain a ROMANTIC attachment. You describe a beautiful friendship, but if you guys are talking romance and all that's happening is friendship, well, stuff is gonna get confused. And guys tend to withdraw when they are at a loss.
He has ED.
Back in 2001, I thought he was being a gentleman, and that he was waiting until we were very serious to try anything physical.
I didn't want to try making the first move this time around, because I wanted to be sure of where we stood with each other. I wanted us to agree that we were bf/gf before anything romantic happened. Also I wasn't sure if he didn't try anything due to anxiety about his ED.
I'm thinking he wants more than just friendship...intimacy as well....he's not getting that from you....so he's looking elsewhere....pretty well what JrzDefector wrote.
What should I have done to show him that? I told him that I cared a lot about him and was waiting for him to take the lead.
I am used to being with men who are more aggressive, and take the lead in letting me know how they feel about me by telling me, kissing me, touching me sexually, etc.
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