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Old 05-18-2012, 04:49 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
12,955 posts, read 21,492,877 times
Reputation: 10082
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peacelilies View Post
It will depend on the degree of "crazy". A lot of people have dysfunctional family memberse and if you excluded them, you'd limit your dating pool. It really depends
^^ Agree completely. But whatever the "crazy" is, I'd be cautious and go slow on the relationship until I ascertained how that "crazy" might affect my guy and us in the long run. Would we have to deal with the crazy at a weekly family dinner? Is the crazy going to sometimes bunk on my bf's couch? Might he have to be a caretaker to the crazy in the distant future?

Most people in the beginning of romantic relationship only show their best sides. And also in the beginning, they aren't going to introduce you to their family. And maybe they might even think that their messed up family is normal or no big deal. I'd rather a potential suitor know that their family situation is messed up and be upfront about it with me so I could make up my own mind about the future of our relationship. It would be definite red flags for me both if they were hiding the craziness or not thinking that their family was messed up.

Sure, everyone comes with some baggage, but if it's an obvious trainwreck in slow motion, of course I'm going to try to avoid it. No love is worth adding all that turmoil and hassle into my life.

Last edited by miu; 05-18-2012 at 05:03 AM..
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Old 05-18-2012, 06:09 AM
 
Location: Middle America
17,186 posts, read 14,049,863 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JordanJP View Post
I think that from my generation onwards, baggage is gonna lose some of its stigma as people realize that they're going to have an extremely difficult time finding someone who isn't dysfunctional in some way, whether it be personally or something in their family. If you're expecting perfection and normality, expect to be disappointed.
This is key. Nobody ever emerges from any relationships, family or otherwise, unscathed. You're not going to ever be able to totally avoid dysfunction, unless you choose to isolated yourself entirely from other people (in which case, you'll be left alone with your own dysfunction to deal with). But everybody has to make the judgment call for themselves on what level of baggage makes a relationship with somebody untenable. Some people address things like this from a healthy standpoint, others never learned those skills.

The level of contact a person maintains with toxic family members also makes a difference. Crappy family that lives across the county creates a different dynamic than crappy family that lives a mile away. Somebody you talk to or see constantly holds a different degree of power than somebody who is a marginally regular presence.
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Old 05-18-2012, 06:15 AM
 
4,231 posts, read 2,538,340 times
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I have a messed up family history/background. I still manage to date (a lot) and try to stay as level headed as possible.
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Old 05-18-2012, 06:33 AM
 
Location: Nowhere Land.
7,637 posts, read 3,006,989 times
Reputation: 10243
Quote:
Originally Posted by Iamtoohot View Post
Everyone's family is screwed who cares
That's what I thought, well, that's my experience.
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Old 05-18-2012, 07:38 AM
 
425 posts, read 184,565 times
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Funny when i was younger i never thought about her family just her... times have indeed changed.
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Old 05-18-2012, 07:41 AM
 
4,231 posts, read 2,538,340 times
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Its one thing if someones family is bat sh*t crazy and they still allow them to be a huge part of their lives. It's something else entirely if said person recognizes their family is bonkers and chooses not to engage with them regularly. Some people are gluttons for punishment because they think they are obligated to remain close with family just because they're family-THIS is when problems arise for SO and dating.

Last edited by findly185; 05-18-2012 at 08:03 AM..
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Old 05-18-2012, 08:00 AM
 
11,001 posts, read 6,825,636 times
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My family is somewhat messed up. Sometimes I want to change last names and claim I came from a more normal family, but couldn't find one. If I am being judged by the things "they" do, then I am beyond hopeless. But never mind, they are family and it's all I got. I admit, sometimes i'll join in on the insanity just to show allegiance. Not usually, though.
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Old 05-18-2012, 08:21 AM
 
199 posts, read 148,749 times
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It's a pretty tough question. I've seen people with dysfunctional family backgrounds end up being involved with someone who's family has the same issue. Perhaps its due to being able to relate to the other person, like you have some sort of "baggage" that shares a common thread. On the other hand, I've known people that come from really screwed up families (like mine) that simply want to marry into one that is normal.
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Old 05-18-2012, 08:37 AM
Status: "**you're out of order**" (set 14 minutes ago)
 
6,194 posts, read 2,681,428 times
Reputation: 9584
All families have some sort of dysfunction, whether or not it's obvious to outsiders.
That being said, from my own perspective I looked at the "family" I grew up with & decided that I was learning how NOT to be.....
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Old 05-18-2012, 08:40 AM
 
Location: Middle America
17,186 posts, read 14,049,863 times
Reputation: 19919
Quote:
Originally Posted by findly185 View Post
Its one thing if someones family is bat sh*t crazy and they still allow them to be a huge part of their lives. It's something else entirely if said person recognizes their family is bonkers and chooses not to engage with them regularly. Some people are gluttons for punishment because they think they are obligated to remain close with family just because they're family-THIS is when problems arise for SO and dating.
I agree...but even if one's toxic family is not a part of their lives anymore at all, that's no guarantee that there isn't still destructive fallout going on.
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