Dating someone with a messed up family (women, relations, reason)

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by 43north87west

That has the potential to be a psychological three-way, in which a discussion between two of the participants will, at some point, affect the third party, without the third being informed of whatever behavioral assignments were given to the person they are dating.

Personally, I don't see that as a good foundation for a relationship. YMMV.

give me a break

[findly185]

Originally Posted by Doll Eyes

what a shame. i didn't realize people are able to pick and control their family members now. must be a new feature of life.

I think the issue for most is that you can choose to cut ties with people in life who are unhealthy for you and still some people chose not to do that with family, which obviously leads to (self-inflicted) problems.

[Doll Eyes]

Originally Posted by findly185

I think the issue for most is that you can choose to cut ties with people in life who are unhealthy for you and still some people chose not to do that with family, which obviously leads to (self-inflicted) problems.

i think the people that have 'leave it to beaver' families or think they do, should stick with each other since the rest of us who don't come from that are apparently 'not good enough.' there are some decent people in my family and not so decent, but I didn't pick them, that was simply luck of the draw....it sounds nice to say that a person should cut off ties with their family and possibly their entire family -- but how many people are really able to do that? it's unrealistic for most...so you distance yourself the best that you can, but of course people are still going to judge you for your family members bad behavior? what else is new.

[findly185]

Originally Posted by Doll Eyes

i think the people that have 'leave it to beaver' families or think they do, should stick with each other since the rest of us who don't come from that are apparently 'not good enough.' there are some decent people in my family and not so decent, but I didn't pick them, that was simply luck of the draw....it sounds nice to say that a person should cut off ties with their family and possibly their entire family -- but how many people are really able to do that? it's unrealistic for most...so you distance yourself the best that you can, but of course people are still going to judge you for your family members bad behavior? what else is new.

I cut ties with people who are unhealthy for me (it's like cancer-have to cut it out), I dont care who they are.

[Doll Eyes]

Originally Posted by findly185

I cut ties with people who are unhealthy for me (it's like cancer-have to cut it out), I dont care who they are.

like i said it's unrealistic for most people.

[burgler09]

Originally Posted by Doll Eyes

like i said it's unrealistic for most people.

It is simply my red flag, if someone comes from a bad family and shows negative signs from that early on I cut my losses quick. Everyone has their own red flags when they are dating and what they want. I've been in a relationship with a girl from a toxic family and it takes a lot of time before those things start to become apparent and by then you're in over your head.

It's just one thing I've learned in my time. I'm sure there are many people out there who are unaffected by it and live a completely different life than their family. To a point you can sometimes tell who is going to turn out crazy though.

[Doll Eyes]

Originally Posted by burgler09

It is simply my red flag, if someone comes from a bad family and shows negative signs from that early on I cut my losses quick. Everyone has their own red flags when they are dating and what they want. I've been in a relationship with a girl from a toxic family and it takes a lot of time before those things start to become apparent and by then you're in over your head.

It's just one thing I've learned in my time. I'm sure there are many people out there who are unaffected by it and live a completely different life than their family. To a point you can sometimes tell who is going to turn out crazy though.

okay, good.

[burgler09]

Originally Posted by findly185

^^This. I've dated people from so-called "normal" families, and let me tell you they tend to have no concept of hardship, no difficult life experiences, and they seem to have little concept of what your average human being may go through growing up.

Give me all the crazy I can handle. At least I'll be able to relate to them.

ahhahaha!

[JrzDefector]

Everyone's got baggage once they get to a certain age - whether it's from family, past relationships, traumatic experiences, addictions or the full range of mental health and financial issues you can pick from. I'm 35, and I'm suspicious of people who DON'T have baggage. To me, there's a certain amount of "well, if they've never been tested at this age, how will they handle it when things get rocky?"

It's how you deal with your baggage that's the real test. Are you blind to how it affects you? Or do you address the problems head on? Do you know how it's made you stronger and how it's made you weaker? Have you taken your experiences and used them to make yourself into a better person overall?

[lionking]

Here is a tale of two families I know.

One is a guy who married a woman and her son has fought drug addiction and been in and out of prison. He married her while the son was still in prison. When he got out he seemed to be doing better and the son would come over from time to time sometimes sleeping over. One weekend while they were out of town their house was burglarized. They have a dog that is not a panzy dog it is known for guarding against strangers. The dog did nothing to stop the burglar or burglars even as the house is fenced and the point of entry was around back. This means the dog probably knew the perps plus they took out a whole safe full of guns that was hidden in a room in the house. They could never pin it on the son though they have deep suspicion, but he went back to prison for drug related charges later on anyway

Second family has a son who's girlfriend has a mom who is a drug addict and routinely left that daughter unattended growing up and the father was never in her life much. The girlfriend while staying with them and their son studied every night and has gone to college and is leading a normal life with a future and she never burned that family while staying with them.

Edit, to say that I am leary of people who have a family member that is a drug addict. Coming from a bad family doesn't mean you can see the future with a person but a person like a parent with a kid gone bad is possibly going to lead to problems depending specially if the kid or family member is a career criminal. It may be hard to tell your new wife or husband that their kid is never allowed to come around when she or he still has deep love for their kid despite all things.