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It will depend on the degree of "crazy". A lot of people have dysfunctional family memberse and if you excluded them, you'd limit your dating pool. It really depends
^^ Agree completely. But whatever the "crazy" is, I'd be cautious and go slow on the relationship until I ascertained how that "crazy" might affect my guy and us in the long run. Would we have to deal with the crazy at a weekly family dinner? Is the crazy going to sometimes bunk on my bf's couch? Might he have to be a caretaker to the crazy in the distant future?
Most people in the beginning of romantic relationship only show their best sides. And also in the beginning, they aren't going to introduce you to their family. And maybe they might even think that their messed up family is normal or no big deal. I'd rather a potential suitor know that their family situation is messed up and be upfront about it with me so I could make up my own mind about the future of our relationship. It would be definite red flags for me both if they were hiding the craziness or not thinking that their family was messed up.
Sure, everyone comes with some baggage, but if it's an obvious trainwreck in slow motion, of course I'm going to try to avoid it. No love is worth adding all that turmoil and hassle into my life.
I think that from my generation onwards, baggage is gonna lose some of its stigma as people realize that they're going to have an extremely difficult time finding someone who isn't dysfunctional in some way, whether it be personally or something in their family. If you're expecting perfection and normality, expect to be disappointed.
This is key. Nobody ever emerges from any relationships, family or otherwise, unscathed. You're not going to ever be able to totally avoid dysfunction, unless you choose to isolated yourself entirely from other people (in which case, you'll be left alone with your own dysfunction to deal with). But everybody has to make the judgment call for themselves on what level of baggage makes a relationship with somebody untenable. Some people address things like this from a healthy standpoint, others never learned those skills.
The level of contact a person maintains with toxic family members also makes a difference. Crappy family that lives across the county creates a different dynamic than crappy family that lives a mile away. Somebody you talk to or see constantly holds a different degree of power than somebody who is a marginally regular presence.
Its one thing if someones family is bat sh*t crazy and they still allow them to be a huge part of their lives. It's something else entirely if said person recognizes their family is bonkers and chooses not to engage with them regularly. Some people are gluttons for punishment because they think they are obligated to remain close with family just because they're family-THIS is when problems arise for SO and dating.
Last edited by findly185; 05-18-2012 at 08:03 AM..
My family is somewhat messed up. Sometimes I want to change last names and claim I came from a more normal family, but couldn't find one. If I am being judged by the things "they" do, then I am beyond hopeless. But never mind, they are family and it's all I got. I admit, sometimes i'll join in on the insanity just to show allegiance. Not usually, though.
It's a pretty tough question. I've seen people with dysfunctional family backgrounds end up being involved with someone who's family has the same issue. Perhaps its due to being able to relate to the other person, like you have some sort of "baggage" that shares a common thread. On the other hand, I've known people that come from really screwed up families (like mine) that simply want to marry into one that is normal.
All families have some sort of dysfunction, whether or not it's obvious to outsiders.
That being said, from my own perspective I looked at the "family" I grew up with & decided that I was learning how NOT to be.....
Its one thing if someones family is bat sh*t crazy and they still allow them to be a huge part of their lives. It's something else entirely if said person recognizes their family is bonkers and chooses not to engage with them regularly. Some people are gluttons for punishment because they think they are obligated to remain close with family just because they're family-THIS is when problems arise for SO and dating.
I agree...but even if one's toxic family is not a part of their lives anymore at all, that's no guarantee that there isn't still destructive fallout going on.
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