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Thanks for all the advice. I do love the woman. Believe me I have examined my feelings to make sure they are not a desire for companionship rather than true love.
I purposefully did not date or see anyone romantically for over a year after my wife passed away. I felt it would be unhealthy to do it and I would not be ready for it.
But I know that love itself is at times not enough. And I am questioning whether that love trumps the baggage that will go along with it all. I can see how this could potentially be a disastrous situation. So I am carefully thinking this through.
Woah. Only 10 months and she wants to move in and will consider it an ultimatum if you dont? Slow down. You lost your wife, if she can't understand that for at least that reason you dont want to rush or move in with someone this isn't the right women for you.
I agree with this. Moving in together is premature. Maybe she has an agenda, like saving money on rent so she'll have more money for basics for herself and her daughter, since the ex isn't doing his share. Suggest she contact the Social Security office, they go after deadbeat dads. Even though he's contributing a little, if he's not doing his share, they might be able to help.
Just tell her you need more time before moving in together, and you're happy with the way things are for now. In two years, the brat will be 14 and in highschool. At that point, it'll either be worse or better. But if you feel that the mother is spoiling her, then this needs to be discussed. If you two disagree about child-rearing issues, that could drive a wedge between you, and no matter how much you care for her, there will be trouble, and the whole relationship could come crashing down at some point.
So since she's pushing you to move in together, be honest, and say a) it's too soon, and b) that decision involves 3 people, not just 2, so there needs to be some discussion about that 3rd person, what your relationship to her would be (parent, with discipline rights, or just spectator?), and what your child-rearing/disciplinary approach would be. One discussion won't be enough. This is a major project, and you two need to really work on it and over time, hopefully arrive at a mutually-agreeable plan for dealing with a pre-teen and teen. This will be a test of your relationship, have no doubt. But if she cares about you as much as you do about her, you should be able to work it out.
I am 50 years old. My wife passed away almost 2 years ago. We had no kids. About 10 months ago I began a relationship with a 44 year old woman with a 12 year-old daughter. A high maintenance and spoiled 12 year old I might add. I am in love with this woman. No doubt in my mind. But at this point in my life I just don't know if I am ready or want to jump into a marriage with a child to boot.
I don't want to lose this woman but at the same time do not know if I am ready for a life with her and all that goes along with it. I don't want to sound selfish. If her child was 22 instead of 12 that would be different. The ex husband does not seem to want to put forth a lot of financial support toward his daughter so a lot of that would fall to me.
She wants to move in with me, and I know what I decide here will determine the continuation or ending of our relationship.
^^^^ When you date a woman with a child, it's a package deal..period. Why would you even begin to date her if you knew she had a child and knew you didn't want the responsibility of a child. Regardless if the biological father is involved and to what extent when you are involved with a woman you are vowing to love that child as your own, and treat her as such. IMO, you shouldn't date anyone with kids, b/c it doesn't seem like you want anything to do with parenting. Have you even tried getting along with her daughter or tried to build a relationship/friendship with her. How insulting it is, as a mother, to hear someone talk about "loving" and "not wanting to lose" the woman, but not wanting anything to do with the child....For her benefit and the benefit of her daughter, I'd say walk away...They both deserve someone who wants to be there for and love the both of them!!
I understand some people do not want kids....but this goes back to my 1st question...Why begin to date her in the first place??!!
**And to all those other posters who are talking crap about it, don't date someone with kids if you don't want to be a "blended family man". Kids go through a lot when the other parent isn't in their life on a regular basis, and the parent who is raising the child(ren) often times try to make up for their pain or loss by compensating in material things or allowing the child to do/say things "bratty". Not that it's right, but that is what happens often. Bottom line: If you don't want to deal with anyone else's kids(that's your personal choice),but don't date a person with kids...
Thanks for all the advice. I do love the woman. Believe me I have examined my feelings to make sure they are not a desire for companionship rather than true love.
I purposefully did not date or see anyone romantically for over a year after my wife passed away. I felt it would be unhealthy to do it and I would not be ready for it.
But I know that love itself is at times not enough. And I am questioning whether that love trumps the baggage that will go along with it all. I can see how this could potentially be a disastrous situation. So I am carefully thinking this through.
The answer is NO - not after 10 months of dating, perhaps after going through the mud and perhaps it is never worth it!
^^^^ When you date a woman with a child, it's a package deal..period. Why would you even begin to date her if you knew she had a child and knew you didn't want the responsibility of a child. Regardless if the biological father is involved and to what extent when you are involved with a woman you are vowing to love that child as your own, and treat her as such. IMO, you shouldn't date anyone with kids, b/c it doesn't seem like you want anything to do with parenting. Have you even tried getting along with her daughter or tried to build a relationship/friendship with her. How insulting it is, as a mother, to hear someone talk about "loving" and "not wanting to lose" the woman, but not wanting anything to do with the child....For her benefit and the benefit of her daughter, I'd say walk away...They both deserve someone who wants to be there for and love the both of them!!
I understand some people do not want kids....but this goes back to my 1st question...Why begin to date her in the first place??!!
**And to all those other posters who are talking crap about it, don't date someone with kids if you don't want to be a "blended family man". Kids go through a lot when the other parent isn't in their life on a regular basis, and the parent who is raising the child(ren) often times try to make up for their pain or loss by compensating in material things or allowing the child to do/say things "bratty". Not that it's right, but that is what happens often. Bottom line: If you don't want to deal with anyone else's kids(that's your personal choice),but don't date a person with kids...
You talk about insulting the mother. What about insulting the "man" who is expected to pick up where the father dropped off "mentally, financially and emotionally". What gives the mother the right to "just move herself into someone elses home" - talk about insulting. A package deal, gotta love that one. More like dead weight, right to the bottom of the abyss.
If you don't like the kid...and it doesn't sound like you do, I don't think you should proceed.
If you think the kid is spoiled/high maintenance, what makes you think so?
My own thoughts on the kid
1)She's just a kid going through all the stuff normal 12 year olds do.
2)She has very mixed feelings about her mom's situation/you, but isn't allowed/able to voice them. I think this is incredibly common when a parent thinks about dating others. You can squash the expression of such feelings from the kid...they are still there though
3)The kid is high maintenance because they are looking for one parent to provide what two normally would.
Does the mom know you think that her kid is high maintenance?
^^^^ When you date a woman with a child, it's a package deal..period. Why would you even begin to date her if you knew she had a child and knew you didn't want the responsibility of a child. Regardless if the biological father is involved and to what extent when you are involved with a woman you are vowing to love that child as your own, and treat her as such. IMO, you shouldn't date anyone with kids, b/c it doesn't seem like you want anything to do with parenting. Have you even tried getting along with her daughter or tried to build a relationship/friendship with her. How insulting it is, as a mother, to hear someone talk about "loving" and "not wanting to lose" the woman, but not wanting anything to do with the child....For her benefit and the benefit of her daughter, I'd say walk away...They both deserve someone who wants to be there for and love the both of them!!
I understand some people do not want kids....but this goes back to my 1st question...Why begin to date her in the first place??!!
**And to all those other posters who are talking crap about it, don't date someone with kids if you don't want to be a "blended family man". Kids go through a lot when the other parent isn't in their life on a regular basis, and the parent who is raising the child(ren) often times try to make up for their pain or loss by compensating in material things or allowing the child to do/say things "bratty". Not that it's right, but that is what happens often. Bottom line: If you don't want to deal with anyone else's kids(that's your personal choice),but don't date a person with kids...
Well, to be honest, I did not examine my feelings toward the child when we began dating. And yes, maybe I should have. And the child herself is not what really bothers me. What really bothers me is the fact that the father is really not providing any support and it will fall to me. I did not learn this until later. And the moving in things has just sprang up.
I was insane at 12. A pretty good kid overall, but insane at 12. But if you don't like the kid, then don't move in with the mother, because what this little girl needs is a dad - and you're not willing to be that. Honestly?
You talk about insulting the mother. What about insulting the "man" who is expected to pick up where the father dropped off "mentally, financially and emotionally". What gives the mother the right to "just move herself into someone elses home" - talk about insulting. A package deal, gotta love that one. More like dead weight, right to the bottom of the abyss.
^^ Like I said at the bottom: YOU DON'T WANT PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITIES THEN DON'T DATE SOMEONE WITH KIDS...YES PACKAGE DEAL!!!! That child didn't ask for their dad to take off...or anything else. "Just move into someone's house" 10 months is a little premature for any relationship, esp. involving kids. The mother has to be supporting her daughter and self in some kind of way to this point, what makes it seem that ALL the "mentally, financially and emotionally" stuff isn't already being delt with. That's not all on the other person involved, but again should be willing and wanting to help out in all deparments. How do you expect to be in a relationship, and "opps, forgot their was a child involved too...." DUH!!!!
From the sounds of your post, you love the woman, but not the situation.
If it doesn't feel right, for whatever reason, then don't do it.
If you do, and it goes wrong, you will regret it, and the resentment will break you up.
Take a little more time to see how things evolve. Another year or so at least
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IMO, you shouldn't date anyone with kids, b/c it doesn't seem like you want anything to do with parenting. Have you even tried getting along with her daughter or tried to build a relationship/friendship with her. 
How insulting it is, as a mother, to hear someone talk about "loving" and "not wanting to lose" the woman, but not wanting anything to do with the child...
. For her benefit and the benefit of her daughter, I'd say walk away...They both deserve someone who wants to be there for and love the both of them!!
