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I haven't cheated, but suspect a lot more on this forum would fess up if the Indignation Brigade wouldn't pillory them.
Look, I'm not naive. Now that I'm in my late 40s, I've witnessed and heard a lot of things. I've had married women throw out the hook for me. I also have known any number of people who have cheated for a host of reasons. Bored. Terrible marriage. Spouse always at work or on the road.
Let's be honest here. Haven't you known a marriage or two that were so hellish or so barren that, when one spouse steps out on the other, you think, "Well, what took him/her so long?" I've seen those kinds of marriages, and can understand why someone would be so desperate to have some kind of comfort, any kind of comfort. And for the "Well, just file for divorce" crowd, it often isn't that easy, particularly when children are involved. I don't say it's right, but I do see how people can become prisoners of their choices and will do anything for a release. My wife's best friend is one of those people. She's sweet, kind, and beautiful, but has been married to a first-class bastard for 25 years. If she started having discreet rolls in the hay, I'm not sure I would blame her.
I am actually sympathetic to a lot of those people even though I don't actually endorse their stepping out, because marriage can be really hard. A lot of people think the wedding ceremony is the finish line when it's really only the starters' blocks. And when you marry someone at age 18 or 22 or 25, you really don't know what that person is going to be like at age 40 or 50. You just hope for the best.
Once again, I'll throw out the theory that anyone is capable of it if the right factors come into play. Put a person, man or woman, who has an emotionally bereft marriage into continued contact with someone they find attractive, add alcohol and opportunity, and there are good odds that they'll wind up bumping uglies.
Now this is the point when someone will splutter and say, "Why I'd NEVER cheat on my spouse." To that, my reply is, "Nobody ever thinks they will." On your wedding day, when you say your vows to the justice of the peace or the clergy, you believe every word of "forsaking all others." Everyone leaves the wedding chapel with the assurance that this is it, forever and ever. And yet, for many, it's most assuredly not.
The breakdown is gradual. It's not like a person is faithful one day and then wakes up the next day and says, "Why, I think I'll pork the receptionist/tennis pro/dishy next door neighbor." That's why it is so important to really keep your marriage fresh and interesting every day. In that sense, it's not just the cheater's fault (Although he or she have the lion's share of the responsibility), but both partners' fault for not expressing one needs and fulfilling the needs of the other.
Out of curiosity I began watching the Sister Wives show, and found what I had long suspected - that it's an abnormal set-up in which the females live in a state of jealousy and feeling cheated.
In one interesting episode in which one of the "wives" was having trouble getting pregnant, showed the physician asking them how often they were having relations. They refused to answer. Of course they refused to answer. It would bring out the problem that polygamy suffers from - the absent male. Of course she is having trouble getting pregnant. If one already has trouble getting pregnant, and one can only have sex 1/4 of the time a normal couple would, what do you expect?
They later commented that how often they have sex is a private matter. UH - I think not, since the other women are aware of who gets to have sex when. Private is the least of it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Texabama
I agree with you on this point, lovesMountains. I'm one of those people that desire/need monogamy.
Sure, people have managed to do it, but I wouldn't say it's "natural" as the people who have done it probably had a lot of self discipline to resist any temptation that came their way. Being monogamous is like eating your favorite food everyday or watching your favorite movie everyday for years and years. Do you know of anyone who eats their favorite food everyday for years and years? If not, why don't they?
Ah yeah. I eat my favorite food every day. Chocolate. I feel the same way about DH. Love of my life/bane of my existence. Cheating was never an option, nor will it ever be. (I'm way to fat from eating all that chocolate to take my clothes off in front of some stranger for sex anyway.) I was chased around for almost 2 yrs. by someone I worked with. He was attractive, slightly older but in very good shape. I told him if he didn't stop the harassment we were going to meet across the street in HR. If DH cheated on me first I would laugh. You did what? It would be so out of character. Then I would ruin him financially. It would be a deal breaker for me. Once that trust is gone, it's gone forever in my eyes. I do believe that once a cheat always a cheat. All that suspicion creates too much anxiety. Not a great way to live and I'd rather be alone. Dogs make great companions and there's always toys.
Iv never cheated on my wifes but my first wife & my now 2nd wife both cheated on me, instead of cheating on some one leave them I meen come on .my first wife she had to have sex all the time I meen 3 to 4 times a day so she probly figured well I mise well have sex with another guy as well as my husbend but come on now .now my 2nd wife figured the gras was greener on the other side but the guy she cheated on me with was a looser he didnt have his own place he was liveing with his family & he couldnt commit to one women .
I didn't abandon the thread. I've read ever post. You are right, I won't find answers to my particular problem here but it has helped to learn the motivations of those willing to share.
I agree, learning about motivations is very helpful. (To me, at least).
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu
I didn't abandon the thread. I've read ever post. You are right, I won't find answers to my particular problem here but it has helped to learn the motivations of those willing to share.
Out of curiosity I began watching the Sister Wives show, and found what I had long suspected - that it's an abnormal set-up in which the females live in a state of jealousy and feeling cheated.
In one interesting episode in which one of the "wives" was having trouble getting pregnant, showed the physician asking them how often they were having relations. They refused to answer. Of course they refused to answer. It would bring out the problem that polygamy suffers from - the absent male. Of course she is having trouble getting pregnant. If one already has trouble getting pregnant, and one can only have sex 1/4 of the time a normal couple would, what do you expect?
They later commented that how often they have sex is a private matter. UH - I think not, since the other women are aware of who gets to have sex when. Private is the least of it.
You made a tiny comment about some people needing monogamy. I pointed out that polygamy is abnormal.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Texabama
This was a response to my comment ???
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