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Old 06-11-2012, 09:35 AM
 
Location: VA -> CO -> VA again
5,127 posts, read 3,259,315 times
Reputation: 9083
I think it's hard to find a balance between really giving some a chance despite their imperfections (no one is going to be perfect or have every single quality you want) and not settling. You have to be yourself though. And if you aren't being truly yourself then you'll attract someone who isn't attracted to the real you and things will blow up anyway. You can only pretend for so long before the person you really are comes out.

 
Old 06-11-2012, 09:38 AM
 
4,519 posts, read 3,989,423 times
Reputation: 3809
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post
I read that and thought, oh no, another one bites the dust. But after reading the entire post, I think your choice of words is a little off.

First, if you are attracted to women of all kinds, regardless of how they look, that's really not something you have a lot of control over. And it offers more options. Don't change that. Don't limit yourself to pretty women. Pretty can come with it's own set of problems.

Stay humble. Why would you want to change being respectful of people who are not as good looking, financially secure, educated, etc? There is nothing bad about it.
I think in a way, when women pass me over for my looks and my race and my lack of wealth, it makes me a little bitter because I wouldn't do that. I mean sometimes I read some of the posts here (from men and women) about being really picky about looks and laundry lists and it kind of pisses me off.

In that sense, being open minded doesn't really help. I think if I were less open minded, e.g., I only want to date hot graduate level educated Asian girls ... she has to be a hot Asian girl with a degree from at least a reputable school, then I wouldn't be as upset because I'd be imposing the same restrictions.
 
Old 06-11-2012, 09:55 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
44,424 posts, read 55,096,458 times
Reputation: 37253
Please don't be seduced by the false allure of the Bitter Bus!

Those who ride it are mere shells of the men they could be.

Don't buy a ticket, choose another mode of transportation into your future
 
Old 06-11-2012, 10:00 AM
 
Location: VA -> CO -> VA again
5,127 posts, read 3,259,315 times
Reputation: 9083
Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
I think in a way, when women pass me over for my looks and my race and my lack of wealth, it makes me a little bitter because I wouldn't do that. I mean sometimes I read some of the posts here (from men and women) about being really picky about looks and laundry lists and it kind of pisses me off.

In that sense, being open minded doesn't really help. I think if I were less open minded, e.g., I only want to date hot graduate level educated Asian girls ... she has to be a hot Asian girl with a degree from at least a reputable school, then I wouldn't be as upset because I'd be imposing the same restrictions.
I feel like the laundry list mostly applies to online dating. I have a list of qualities that are important to me and when I do online dating I actively seek out those qualities. One wrong sentence and I may move onto the next profile. That's just the way it is. In real life the list doesn't matter so much. I dated a guy for 5 months who was not my type in looks or in personality, but we got along wonderfully and I was very attracted to him. If I had come across him on a dating website I'd have passed him over. But given the chance to get to know him in real life was very different. Keep trying and do not become bitter. It's hard not to be, but bitterness is the most unattractive quality.
 
Old 06-11-2012, 10:04 AM
 
Location: Infernuan
1,367 posts, read 805,700 times
Reputation: 1424
Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
I'm thinking of changing the way I operate, not just in dating but in life in general.

To put it more bluntly, I'm thinking of becoming more shallow, picky, and more arrogant. I've been batting this around in my head for some time.

I've always been a guy who has been very noncritical of people's looks, both socially and romantically. I rarely chase after cute girls. I chase after women with whom I get along with and have a connection with. Women who 'seem' to be non-shallow and favor 'good' guys (most of whom have rejected me).

I've always been raised to be humble. Perhaps my humility borders on insecurity, but I've never though myself to be great looking, and I'm very modest concerning that. I'd never think I am better looking than another person no matter how hideous or deformed they are.

I've always forgiven people for things like a lack of an education or a well paying job. I always say that if a woman has character and motivation, I wouldn't care if she has a degree or not.

It always seemed to me that being humble and less shallow in this way would attract people to me. But it seems to be the opposite. For some reason, I feel like when women and people in general ask me what I'm looking for and I give these answers they think either ... a) he's weird, or b) he has no confidence and standards and will take anything that he can get. Obviously, neither of these are attractive to people or women.

I realize most people want the best they can get in terms of looks and accomplishments in a partner. Maybe I should start doing the same? I mean, I have graduate level education from good schools, a decent though not extremely well paying career and come from a fairly well off family. I might not be the best looking guy, but I can think I am. Many others do. And my prior girlfriends have been physically attractive (by coincidence), slim and relatively fit. Should there be any reason why I should settle for less than them? And why should I settle for anybody who has any less than a Masters degree? Or anybody who has debt or has to take care of their parents financially when they get older? I mean, I don't have to worry about any of that.

What does everybody think?

As usual, I expect some responses full of vitriol. But know that you are helping me either way. CD has been helpful for me as a psychological sounding board.
All I have to say is... bad move. It smacks of bitterness and that is what you want to get away from.

And, as has been said, women can see right through that charade. The only one you'll be fooling is you. Think about it.
 
Old 06-11-2012, 10:06 AM
 
1,119 posts, read 968,424 times
Reputation: 1200
Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
I'm thinking of changing the way I operate, not just in dating but in life in general.

To put it more bluntly, I'm thinking of becoming more shallow, picky, and more arrogant. I've been batting this around in my head for some time.

I've always been a guy who has been very noncritical of people's looks, both socially and romantically. I rarely chase after cute girls. I chase after women with whom I get along with and have a connection with. Women who 'seem' to be non-shallow and favor 'good' guys (most of whom have rejected me).

I've always been raised to be humble. Perhaps my humility borders on insecurity, but I've never though myself to be great looking, and I'm very modest concerning that. I'd never think I am better looking than another person no matter how hideous or deformed they are.

I've always forgiven people for things like a lack of an education or a well paying job. I always say that if a woman has character and motivation, I wouldn't care if she has a degree or not.

It always seemed to me that being humble and less shallow in this way would attract people to me. But it seems to be the opposite. For some reason, I feel like when women and people in general ask me what I'm looking for and I give these answers they think either ... a) he's weird, or b) he has no confidence and standards and will take anything that he can get. Obviously, neither of these are attractive to people or women.

I realize most people want the best they can get in terms of looks and accomplishments in a partner. Maybe I should start doing the same? I mean, I have graduate level education from good schools, a decent though not extremely well paying career and come from a fairly well off family. I might not be the best looking guy, but I can think I am. Many others do. And my prior girlfriends have been physically attractive (by coincidence), slim and relatively fit. Should there be any reason why I should settle for less than them? And why should I settle for anybody who has any less than a Masters degree? Or anybody who has debt or has to take care of their parents financially when they get older? I mean, I don't have to worry about any of that.

What does everybody think?

As usual, I expect some responses full of vitriol. But know that you are helping me either way. CD has been helpful for me as a psychological sounding board.
Go for it, you have nothing to lose.

Becoming picky is not a decision to one-day be pickier, because it doesn't work like that. It's about becoming better yourself as a man, and then realizing you have more to offer in a relationship and to a woman. Then you realize, "Hey, I'm a good guy and a good catch. I have goals in life, I am a caring person. I can make others happy and she will be happier with me." That's when you should become pickier!
 
Old 06-11-2012, 03:22 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
44,424 posts, read 55,096,458 times
Reputation: 37253
Quote:
Originally Posted by strawberrykiki View Post
i feel like the laundry list mostly applies to online dating. I have a list of qualities that are important to me and when i do online dating i actively seek out those qualities. One wrong sentence and i may move onto the next profile. That's just the way it is. In real life the list doesn't matter so much. I dated a guy for 5 months who was not my type in looks or in personality, but we got along wonderfully and i was very attracted to him. If i had come across him on a dating website i'd have passed him over. But given the chance to get to know him in real life was very different. Keep trying and do not become bitter. It's hard not to be, but bitterness is the most unattractive quality.
yep!
 
Old 06-11-2012, 05:58 PM
 
Location: Valparaiso, IN
33,981 posts, read 6,564,507 times
Reputation: 76144
Thread closed at OP's request. Thank you for the insightful posts, everyone!
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