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Old 06-11-2012, 01:36 PM
 
Location: North Beach, MD on the Chesapeake
16,455 posts, read 15,217,396 times
Reputation: 15590
It sounds as though he's like 30, or nearly so. In my world the strings are cut by then. Yes, kids will many times listen to parents but by that time he (or she) should be able to make up his own mind, stand up to a parent if the situation is important. That's part of being an adult.

You, since you didn't ask, also need to work on your own self-confidence.
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Old 06-11-2012, 02:11 PM
 
Location: VA -> CO -> VA again
5,054 posts, read 3,095,885 times
Reputation: 8920
I think you're over reacting. Maybe he shouldn't have told his parents details about your divorce, but I tell my parents things about the people I date. I'm a grown up who makes her own decisions, but I value their opinion. It seems like they're fine with your divorce and your age difference. Your boyfriend is fine with your divorce and your age difference. The only one with a problem here is you. 10 years is nothing really. Women live longer than men anyway! If you were dating a guy 10 years older than you I doubt you'd be insecure or even bat an eye.

It sounds like you met a wonderful mature man who wants to make a life with you and include you in his family. That isn't easy to find. If you don't want him please feel free to send him my way! Good men are hard to find!
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Old 06-11-2012, 02:16 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
7,688 posts, read 13,526,822 times
Reputation: 9106
Well, you got the best possible reaction. His parents just want him to be happy. What more could you want?

Maybe he jumped the gun a bit but it was all going to happen eventually anyway. Perhaps this tells you he is very serious about your relationship.
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Old 06-11-2012, 02:51 PM
 
Location: Austin
2,173 posts, read 1,338,894 times
Reputation: 2081
Quote:
Originally Posted by pastthemiddle View Post
I started dating some time after a divorce and met a really nice guy who is about ten yrs younger than me (I am in my late 30s, he is in his late 20s). I didn't take it seriously at first, but its been about a year now and everything (was) going really well. We were making plans for the future, etc. etc. until this weekend.

I have some insecurities about the age difference, but for the most part it doesn't come up. Honestly, we don't look much different age-wise. People are always really surprised if we choose to tell them. I think about possible fall out in years to come, but we genuinely care for one another and enjoy each other's company. I am not unrealistic that this could be socially difficult for some but its never mattered that much in the grand scheme of things.

And that is the situation. My boyfriend went home to see his parents the weekend and spoke at length about our relationship (I had asked him not to go into detail until we decided if we were going to get serious. This was his first opportunity to share information.) I met his dad before we were dating and all was well, but it was a very casual meeting. I doubt he had any clue how much older I am than his son or evern gave it much thought. This weekend he told his mom and dad all about the age thing as well as some other details about my divorce that I would have rather kept private. He says its not a big deal to them, but I know that there has to be some pre-judgement, especially by his mom who hasn't met me.

I now feel really awkward and am considering ending the whole thing. I am not close to my family, and always feel like an interloper in other people's family gatherings-- this just sets up a humiliating time for future holidays and visits (of which a few are being planned.) I am upset that he would mention some of these things without thought to how they might make me feel or paint me to people who have not yet gotten to know me.

He says he is very sorry he made me feel awkward, but that his parents don't care and are just glad that he is happy. He tends toward a very optimistic viewpoint most of the time. I feel as though this has to an oversimplification.

Am I making too much of this?
I think you are a little on the "I overprocess and overthink everything" side, but it does sound like your guy was not respectful or considerate of your feelings and wishes. Apologizing after the fact is not the point. He should not have taken the liberty to tell his parents what you indicated was off-limits.
I think over time, a younger man can be a problem. It's better the other way around, speaking from personal experience.
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Old 06-11-2012, 02:52 PM
 
Location: Austin
2,173 posts, read 1,338,894 times
Reputation: 2081
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ascension2012 View Post
YES. You're way overthinking it. You want to end otherwise great relationship, because youre assuming of things that havent been confirmed nor even hinted at? It doesnt make any sense at all. Age difference is only an issue if you choose it to be an issue. Who cares what others (his family included) think or may think? As long as the two of you are happy as a couple, roll with it. Age is only a number.
Until it isn't. These differences have a way of becoming crucial with regards to fundamentals and long-term goals.
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Old 06-11-2012, 03:07 PM
 
Location: Middle America
17,250 posts, read 14,101,261 times
Reputation: 19969
It seems like you're borrowing trouble, at this point. I wouldn't start painting scenarios until you are confronted with actual evidence that there is, in fact, a problem. Relationships are complicated enough without seeking trouble where there may not be any.

If the most important thing to you for finding compatibility lies in being of a common age, then you are in the wrong relationship. But there is quite a bit to compatibility, outside of age.
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Old 06-11-2012, 03:10 PM
 
64 posts, read 78,035 times
Reputation: 103
True. And this is something that would be on the horizon with me for any relationship. I didn't have kids with my ex husband because I didn't think he would be a good father. So I kind of crossed that off of my list.

My current partner has said that he could go either way. I only have a few years left to make this decision, so if we decide to move ahead with a family, we will need to fast forward. Which is why its essential that we create some kind of strong connection with his family: mine is not in the picture. I also don't want him to feel cheated if we pass the window of opportunity for a family of our own.

The fact that he so cavalierly mentioned things I would rather not air in public is a maturity issue. It shows a lack of sensitivity. He claims its not a big deal because his parents don't care, but it *is* a big deal to me. I care.

Yes, I am an overthinker. Yes, I have a tendency to try to push people away and feel bad about myself. It sounds as though many of you would agree that this is what I am doing. But I think some of these points are valid. He is a great guy, don't get me wrong, but I am seeing some red flags.
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Old 06-11-2012, 03:15 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
44,015 posts, read 53,989,860 times
Reputation: 36688
Quote:
Originally Posted by pastthemiddle View Post
I started dating some time after a divorce and met a really nice guy who is about ten yrs younger than me (I am in my late 30s, he is in his late 20s). I didn't take it seriously at first, but its been about a year now and everything (was) going really well. We were making plans for the future, etc. etc. until this weekend.

I have some insecurities about the age difference, but for the most part it doesn't come up. Honestly, we don't look much different age-wise. People are always really surprised if we choose to tell them. I think about possible fall out in years to come, but we genuinely care for one another and enjoy each other's company. I am not unrealistic that this could be socially difficult for some but its never mattered that much in the grand scheme of things.

And that is the situation. My boyfriend went home to see his parents the weekend and spoke at length about our relationship (I had asked him not to go into detail until we decided if we were going to get serious. This was his first opportunity to share information.) I met his dad before we were dating and all was well, but it was a very casual meeting. I doubt he had any clue how much older I am than his son or evern gave it much thought. This weekend he told his mom and dad all about the age thing as well as some other details about my divorce that I would have rather kept private. He says its not a big deal to them, but I know that there has to be some pre-judgement, especially by his mom who hasn't met me.

I now feel really awkward and am considering ending the whole thing. I am not close to my family, and always feel like an interloper in other people's family gatherings-- this just sets up a humiliating time for future holidays and visits (of which a few are being planned.) I am upset that he would mention some of these things without thought to how they might make me feel or paint me to people who have not yet gotten to know me.

He says he is very sorry he made me feel awkward, but that his parents don't care and are just glad that he is happy. He tends toward a very optimistic viewpoint most of the time. I feel as though this has to an oversimplification.

Am I making too much of this?

Yes.

This young man obviously has a good relationship with his parents and you can't relate to that.

Your discomfort is on you, not him.
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Old 06-11-2012, 03:17 PM
 
Location: Middle America
17,250 posts, read 14,101,261 times
Reputation: 19969
Quote:
Originally Posted by redvelvet709 View Post
Until it isn't. These differences have a way of becoming crucial with regards to fundamentals and long-term goals.
This can be trotted out as a reason not to pursue ANY relationship, with ANYBODY, though, no matter how good. You can always say, "Well, sure, things are great...until they're NOT." It doesn't make much sense to opt in or out of various personal relationships in anticipation of future stumbling blocks that may or may not occur. Yes, look at big-picture compatibility. But don't try to crystal ball every possible conflict that might arise, and sabotage something before it even gets there.
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Old 06-11-2012, 03:19 PM
 
Location: The Present
1,987 posts, read 1,978,447 times
Reputation: 1845
you're going to make things worse for yourself by making it into something it isn't.
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