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Old 06-11-2012, 03:19 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,418,348 times
Reputation: 53067

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Quote:
Originally Posted by pastthemiddle View Post
True. And this is something that would be on the horizon with me for any relationship. I didn't have kids with my ex husband because I didn't think he would be a good father. So I kind of crossed that off of my list.

My current partner has said that he could go either way. I only have a few years left to make this decision, so if we decide to move ahead with a family, we will need to fast forward. Which is why its essential that we create some kind of strong connection with his family: mine is not in the picture. I also don't want him to feel cheated if we pass the window of opportunity for a family of our own.
Not for nothing, but it doesn't take a significantly younger partner for this to be the case. Many couples are in the same boat and are much closer in age or same-age.

Only you know if there are red flags...just don't put ones there that aren't really there because of your own insecurities.
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Old 06-11-2012, 03:26 PM
 
270 posts, read 408,727 times
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Did he actually KNOW you didn't want those divorce details discussed with anyone?
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Old 06-11-2012, 03:33 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,077 posts, read 28,499,902 times
Reputation: 18189
Quote:
Originally Posted by pastthemiddle View Post
I started dating some time after a divorce and met a really nice guy who is about ten yrs younger than me (I am in my late 30s, he is in his late 20s). I didn't take it seriously at first, but its been about a year now and everything (was) going really well. We were making plans for the future, etc. etc. until this weekend.

I have some insecurities about the age difference, but for the most part it doesn't come up. Honestly, we don't look much different age-wise. People are always really surprised if we choose to tell them. I think about possible fall out in years to come, but we genuinely care for one another and enjoy each other's company. I am not unrealistic that this could be socially difficult for some but its never mattered that much in the grand scheme of things.

And that is the situation. My boyfriend went home to see his parents the weekend and spoke at length about our relationship (I had asked him not to go into detail until we decided if we were going to get serious. This was his first opportunity to share information.) I met his dad before we were dating and all was well, but it was a very casual meeting. I doubt he had any clue how much older I am than his son or evern gave it much thought. This weekend he told his mom and dad all about the age thing as well as some other details about my divorce that I would have rather kept private. He says its not a big deal to them, but I know that there has to be some pre-judgement, especially by his mom who hasn't met me.

I now feel really awkward and am considering ending the whole thing. I am not close to my family, and always feel like an interloper in other people's family gatherings-- this just sets up a humiliating time for future holidays and visits (of which a few are being planned.) I am upset that he would mention some of these things without thought to how they might make me feel or paint me to people who have not yet gotten to know me.

He says he is very sorry he made me feel awkward, but that his parents don't care and are just glad that he is happy. He tends toward a very optimistic viewpoint most of the time. I feel as though this has to an oversimplification.

Am I making too much of this?
IDK, maybe he should have respected your wishes. Isn't he a big boy capable of deciding when and what to tell his parents, and aren't you prejudging his family?

You're acting as though he revealed your deepest darkest secrets....Why are you ashamed of who you are?
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Old 06-11-2012, 03:47 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,402,364 times
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It sounds like this is a case of cold feet at the thought of meeting his parents. Take some deep, slow breaths. Calm down. They actually sound like pretty cool, accepting people. Maybe some of your own family issues are coming up for you, as you think about meeting his parents. It'll all be fine, you'll see. Think of how wonderful it would be to have warm, accepting parents! They could be yours, if you two continue to get along well.

We tend to imagine the worst sometimes, and allow fears or anxiety to take over. Make a conscious choice, instead, to imagine the best. You just might get it! Substitute positive thoughts for those anxious ones. Imagine being greeted warmly and accepted into the fold of their family. Meditate on this scenario regularly, if you need to. This is about switching out the old mental tape for a nice new one.

Good luck, let us know how it goes!
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Old 06-11-2012, 06:04 PM
 
3,045 posts, read 3,188,144 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pastthemiddle View Post
Am I making too much of this?
Does he want kids and do you want kids? If so, when are you guys planning and how many.

Aside from that big question, yes you're making too much of it. If you love him and want to be together, who cares. As for the family gatherings, they're as awkward as you make them.
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Old 06-11-2012, 08:00 PM
 
1,406 posts, read 2,718,781 times
Reputation: 1425
Quote:
Originally Posted by pastthemiddle View Post
He says he is very sorry he made me feel awkward, but that his parents don't care and are just glad that he is happy. He tends toward a very optimistic viewpoint most of the time. I feel as though this has to an oversimplification.

Am I making too much of this?
This kind of reminds me of the movie Prime... 30 something woman gets serious with a 20 something man and his mom isn't sold on their relationship.

You have found someone that you're considering spending the rest of your life with; it is reasonable to be concerned with how his family views you. My bet is that they realize that as humans, we all have a past. Nobody has lived a perfect, error free life. Bad choices or messy times in our lives only allow us to make better choices and live happier lives. And age isn't everything. If he's a mature 20 something male, and his parents are aware of this, then I don't see why they would have a problem with you being in your 30s.

The only thing I could recommend is to just go with the vibes your SO has expressed. If he says that his parents are happy to have found you, then try to believe it! This is your chance to prove to his parents and relatives why exactly he likes you. Keep your head held high
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Old 06-12-2012, 04:56 AM
 
822 posts, read 2,997,644 times
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Hi, I haven't read all of the responses, but I definitely think you're worrying too much, it is a good thing that he is talking about you to his family. So the issue is that you have insecurity with the age difference ...
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Old 06-12-2012, 07:29 AM
 
64 posts, read 243,313 times
Reputation: 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
It sounds like this is a case of cold feet at the thought of meeting his parents. Take some deep, slow breaths. Calm down. They actually sound like pretty cool, accepting people. Maybe some of your own family issues are coming up for you, as you think about meeting his parents. It'll all be fine, you'll see. Think of how wonderful it would be to have warm, accepting parents! They could be yours, if you two continue to get along well.

This is about switching out the old mental tape for a nice new one.

This really hit home. Yes, I am expecting the worst and need to learn to take things as they actually happen. Experience has taught me this is an effective strategy, but as my life changes, my perspctive needs to catch up.

We talked last night at length. I am calming down. The fact is that his parents are about 1600 miles away, and so its not an immediate issue. But I let him know to check with me in the future before he discusses things which I consider private. He is definitely more open than me, and sometimes our definitions of personal information don't overlap.

As for the kid thing, well, I keep following the thread about men who don't want kids and wondering where I stand on this. As mentioned, I never wanted kids with my husband who was a big baby himself and wouldn't deal with severe depression and anger issues. But with this relationship, I don't know. I am ambivalent as I concentrated on my career and enjoy my kid free lifestyle. If there was a kid, we had chatted about one biological and perhaps one more adopted. But I go back and forth, as does he.

The most recent episode is really cold feet. Moving forward with this person requires an entire overhaul of my perspective-- possible kids, definite family involvement, making a home, etc. None of this is pressure, but it is a distinct probability. Having come out of a marriage with a person who literally only worked, slept and complained, I never had any expectation that my future could look so different. So I think its frightening me, and forcing me to confront what it actually is that I want.
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Old 06-12-2012, 09:00 AM
 
13,513 posts, read 19,237,203 times
Reputation: 16580
pastthemiddle...I can totally understand your fears and concerns....not so much about how his parents may percieve you,... but more about the life changes that settling down and having children will bring....you're right...you do need to decide very soon....it's too bad that this young man won't take a stand for or against it (it would make it easier for you to reach a desician)....maybe it's because he doesn't want to lose you, so he's willing to let you decide...goodluck with this...
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Old 06-12-2012, 12:08 PM
 
Location: Austin, TX
2,722 posts, read 5,462,296 times
Reputation: 2223
Quote:
Originally Posted by wordlife View Post
you're going to make things worse for yourself by making it into something it isn't.
I agree.

I do understand your discomfort of not having met his parents and them already knowing more about you than you would ever have cared to share..but he is close with his parents and that means they communicate.

If they are fine with it, that is great. Quit looking for reasons to end it and jump in there and see how it goes.
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