How do you deal with being the type that most men don't want? (dating, wife)

[nyanna]

You're always the girl in the group that guys rarely notice or approach. it's always the other women around you at work or school who guys socialize with and try to get to know.

How do you keep a positive mind and not always feel down and depressed? There are other women who are like that and I see that they are not phased. They still keep a good attitude. but it does get to me, and makes me depressed and not want to go to work the next day. It affects my work performance, I have a hard time concentrating because I feel that i have no value if I can't attract men as often as other women.

[Pam81]

Why dont u try to change your look? you can change your style, your clothes...Wear fashion things. Try to communicate with cool persons...you will be ok

[manygeese]

Your value will be as a wife and mother. Don't worry about the game.

[zentropa]

Happiness and a positive attitude come by not comparing yourself to others, or caring what strangers think, but by being the person YOU want to hang out with. Simple, simple, simple. But harder to put into practice. You have to train your brain through thought "reprogramming" and sometimes meditation, but it is possible.

One thing you can do NOW is appreciate your youth and never take it for granted. There will come another time in your life when people will pass you over and you will feel invisible, but it will be for entirely different reasons. So learn not to let it bother you now.

[augiedogie]

The the OP. I didn't know attracting men was now an Olympic competition. Its not a contest. You're you. If you are open to men, approachable, friendly, and have realistic expectations. My son was 25, and had only had a few dates and felt just like you did. Met the right girl, got married soon thereafter, They are about to celebrate three years and just had their first baby last week. Life can change very fast. It just takes one. You don't have to attract the entire male population of the world.

After all, do you want to attract hundreds of men you don't want.

[Urban Sasquatch]

Originally Posted by nyanna

You're always the girl in the group that guys rarely notice or approach. it's always the other women around you at work or school who guys socialize with and try to get to know.

How do you keep a positive mind and not always feel down and depressed? There are other women who are like that and I see that they are not phased. They still keep a good attitude. but it does get to me, and makes me depressed and not want to go to work the next day. It affects my work performance, I have a hard time concentrating because I feel that i have no value if I can't attract men as often as other women.

There are TWO major factors which affect how men perceive you: Looks and attitude.


Those break down further into varied components.


I am NOT going to blow sunshine up your arse and try to pretend looks don't matter. As politically incorrect as it is to say it, looks DO matter and anyone who pretends otherwise is either so thoroughly enlightened they can no longer actually see this realm of existence OR they're lying to themselves, denying that subconscious voice which says to all their looks-don't-matter gibberish "Well, within reason..."


And THAT "within reason", my friend, is where you begin to find your gray areas.


I don't care WHO you are (unless your name is Joseph Merrick, and even HE found some poonaynay once), if you aren't satisfied with your looks things CAN be done by YOU to remedy the situation.

Granted, there are medical conditions, but if you're fat you can exercise and get your body in better shape.

How many "makeover" shows have we seen where women who looked as though they made their living chasing parked cars got a haircut, got their skin exfoliated, someone showed them how to use base and eyeliner et voila, the ugly duckling is suddenly le cygne, complete with French ooh-la-la!....?

The point is, there are different types of genius, from the math wunderkind who has difficulty with rudimentary hygiene all the way to the person who is no musician, no mathematician, no brilliant speaker BUT they know how to MARKET theirself. There is just as much genius in knowing how to dress because you're aware clothes make impressions upon people as you can USE this to get ahead as there is in E=mCsquared.


That's where some of it can begin for you, but nobody is going to do it FOR you.


Now, let's be real; that ALONE is not the formula. In fact, it's only one tiny aspect of the whole thing, and not even the largest aspect of it.


Because beyond that comes ATTITUDE.


You speak of those women whom you see and believe they are "unphased" by what you consider "their state of unattractiveness".

First off, you're really presuming a LOT. What, you think they have no feelings, that they aren't lonely when they go to bed at night and there's no one beside them? Wake up and slap yourself, and DROP that notion, because it's not true.


So the question is, what ARE they doing?


First off, they are more at ease with themselves than you appear to be. Whether they don't believe themselves as unattractive as you believe them, or they enjoy other facets of life such as intellectual pursuits, comic books -- what have you -- the reason they seem less phased is because they are busy being THEMSELVES rather than worrying quite so much about how they mesh with others.

Second... if they're so unattractive, then what have they got that separates them from you?

Answer: More confidence and the happiness that comes with it.


What are you good at? I mean, what do you do that you KNOW you're good at?

What do you enjoy? Hobbies, interests, pursuits, from the smallest and most trivial things to the grandest escapes, what do YOU enjoy when you're not worrying about the lack of a man in your life?

What do you look like? What do you dislike about your looks? Are you looking with a tired, plaintive, haggard eye -- or an eye of honest criticism? And then once you break a few things down, the question arises: What can YOU DO ABOUT WHAT YOU DONT' LIKE?

If you're fat and hate it, start taking steps to lose weight. If you're skinny and hate it, take steps to put ON some weight. If you're weak, exercise and fix it. If you're skin is bad, start taking steps to clear it up. If you hate the way clothes look on you, combine exercise with some fashion sense, ask some questions, improve your appearance to suit YOU.

What makes you happy in this world? Not what WOULD make you happy, but what makes you happy, puts a smile on your face NOW?

Do more of that, and more. People are drawn to smiles.




Loneliness SUCKS -- I KNOW this from broad experience. Don't look at my profile pic where I'm happy because I'm with my son and believe I DON'T know that pain, because I do. Everyone always assumes they've got the market cornered on sensitivity, loneliness, heartbreak or anguish.

IT IS SIMPLY NOT SO, and once you grasp that it changes the whole world.



So... whatchoo gonna do about YOUR life?


I give advice to young men in here all the time: Live for YOU. It doesn't mean you have to be a jerk, doesn't mean you have to treat others like dirt or eschew all companionship. It just means you do what YOU need, and follow the paths that YOU want -- and bit by bit you will find people drawn to that.


Contrary to what most people think, it IS possible to come out of the Friend Zone, and it IS possible to be "seen" by someone AFTER that first impression has gone past.

Not everyone; we can't all have everything or everyone we want.

But it's possible.


The only person responsible for your happiness is YOU, unless someone else chooses to share that burden. Period.


Now, you may look at all I've written here and argue if you want; that's your business. Maybe you think all that is too hard; maybe you find a philosophical gripe with it because you've deeply seated the notion that looks aren't supposed to matter, people are supposed to love you for who you are.


BUT WHO ARE YOU? And how can others KNOW this person?



But the real bottom line to any argument you might come up with is this:

Did you have something else you were going to do? And is what you're doing NOW working?


Negativity is a self-feeding and rapidly descending spiral, and the more practiced you become at it the easier it is to immediately fall into that mindset, stop even TRYING because "Oh, it will do no good anyway..."


It's just exactly like the lottery: Odds are 0.000000001 (that's 1 in a billion) that you will win.

But if you don't even play, then odds are 0.0 that you will ever win -- a 100 percent fail rate, guaranteed.

[findly185]

Focus on school and work. Dating is just a pass time, not something that needs to happen in order to survive. There are WAY more important things in life. The sooner you realize that, the happier you'll be.

Cant be happy in a relationship if you aren't happy with yourself first. (based off your other threads-you aren't happy with yourself-so you shouldn't even consider dating/attracting men at this point).

[nuala]

Originally Posted by nyanna

How do you keep a positive mind and not

By finding something to stand out. Have you seen a female athlete? No makeup, androgynous bodies. People fall over her abilities/accomplishments. Picking one thing and developing it would do you self-respect and other people will notice. It is a longer-lasting solution than the skin-deep prettiness that will fade. Could be an athletic pursuit or artsy/cultural. It IS hard, though, to practice something in isolation sometimes. But you know the alternative already.

[Aspe4]

Originally Posted by nyanna

You're always the girl in the group that guys rarely notice or approach. it's always the other women around you at work or school who guys socialize with and try to get to know.

How do you keep a positive mind and not always feel down and depressed? There are other women who are like that and I see that they are not phased. They still keep a good attitude. but it does get to me, and makes me depressed and not want to go to work the next day. It affects my work performance, I have a hard time concentrating because I feel that i have no value if I can't attract men as often as other women.

I'm a male so I can't really relate but why do you think those other women get more attention than you do? Do you feel they're more physically attractive than you are? As another poster said, looks are very important when it comes to dating even though people are loathe to admit it because it's not politically correct and it makes them look shallow. Even people who say looks don't matter to them aren't being totally honest. It's hard to know what to tell you without knowing more about the situation.

[Doll Eyes]

Originally Posted by nyanna

You're always the girl in the group that guys rarely notice or approach. it's always the other women around you at work or school who guys socialize with and try to get to know.

How do you keep a positive mind and not always feel down and depressed? There are other women who are like that and I see that they are not phased. They still keep a good attitude. but it does get to me, and makes me depressed and not want to go to work the next day. It affects my work performance, I have a hard time concentrating because I feel that i have no value if I can't attract men as often as other women.

Nothing short of surgery, which could really make you into a freak. You can't do anything about this. They can tell you all day long it's your 'attitude' but that's not the answer. Bottom line, with the exception of work, they don't know the attitude of any of these very attractive women before they talk to them, shower them with attention. The reason they're approaching them in the first place is because they look good .....Did you ever have a very positive outlook on things and 'beleive it will all work out' as long as you're nice and friendly? Same results, right? Did you ever change your entire look (to the best of your ability)? Same results, right? It's ashame this issue is affecting your work performance. Understand there's many women who may as well be coat racks in the room with these men, not just you. They don't understand nor do they care how difficult it is to work under those conditions for the 'rest of us.' Again, I'm sorry to tell you, all you can do is ACCEPT that you have dark skin (which nothing wrong with in the first place) and ACCEPT that you were not born as attractive as other women. *shrugs*