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I had a crisis break up with my boyfriend last week (i.e. not planned, yelling and crying, I left). There were threads of infidelity from almost the month we started dating a year and a half ago, so even though I wanted to marry the guy, I can accept now that it's over and it's definitely a good thing. My dad has taken me in for a brief time so I can get back on my feet.
Seven months ago, I moved to a different state with my ex-boyfriend as he was starting a new job. I didn't do well in the new place; I worked part-time at something awful and procrastinated on finishing my masters degree from a distance. I gained weight because I stopped doing a sport. All of that is my own responsibility, and after crying my way through a box of tissues, I realized I need to get my butt in gear right now. I need to get a full-time job, get in shape, finish my masters, and get an apartment right now. I should have done it a year ago, at least, instead of choosing to live with this man.
I'm 25, I know what I want from a relationship, and I would love to start dating again. I feel ready. But I want to be worthy of respect when I start dating again. I want to pull my weight in whatever relationship I get into next. Does it make any sense to meet a new person, especially a really compatible one, if I don't have my own place, still have some school work hanging over my head, etc? I feel like I have a lot to offer in a relationship, but the external things are even more important. When am I worthy of getting into a relationship?
I had a crisis break up with my boyfriend last week (i.e. not planned, yelling and crying, I left). There were threads of infidelity from almost the month we started dating a year and a half ago, so even though I wanted to marry the guy, I can accept now that it's over and it's definitely a good thing. My dad has taken me in for a brief time so I can get back on my feet.
Seven months ago, I moved to a different state with my ex-boyfriend as he was starting a new job. I didn't do well in the new place; I worked part-time at something awful and procrastinated on finishing my masters degree from a distance. I gained weight because I stopped doing a sport. All of that is my own responsibility, and after crying my way through a box of tissues, I realized I need to get my butt in gear right now. I need to get a full-time job, get in shape, finish my masters, and get an apartment right now. I should have done it a year ago, at least, instead of choosing to live with this man.
I'm 25, I know what I want from a relationship, and I would love to start dating again. I feel ready. But I want to be worthy of respect when I start dating again. I want to pull my weight in whatever relationship I get into next. Does it make any sense to meet a new person, especially a really compatible one, if I don't have my own place, still have some school work hanging over my head, etc? I feel like I have a lot to offer in a relationship, but the external things are even more important. When am I worthy of getting into a relationship?
You sound like you are defining your self worth by whether or not you have a boyfriend. You gave up on yourself with your ex boyfriend. You say you feel ready for a relationship again and its only been one week? What's that all about. Go back to school, get a job, involve yourself in activities, and quit feeling unworthy because you don't have a boyfriend. You will get respect from others, when you respect yourself first.
You broke up with your boyfriend last week. Find out , within yourself, why you keep choosing the wrong men. You may have a lot to offer in a relationship but my opinion is to at least start to get your feet on the ground and not jump into another relationship right away. Take care of your needs first so that you'll have time to share with someone else later and not carry your baggage from a previous relationship into the new one.
You say you feel ready for a relationship again and its only been one week? What's that all about.
That's a good question, and I think I really mean I feel ready to date, not be in a relationship. It's going to be a while before I'm able to commit to someone again, and I don't think I'll consider living with anyone again before I get married. That didn't work for me.
This was my first adult relationship; I had a high school sweetheart, and then I was single for several years while I went to school and worked part-time at various things. I ignored and denied the fact that he was the wrong type of man because many people who knew us both affirmed that he was a good person, and he was good at hiding the things that were deal breakers and hurt me. But I also put being committed to the relationship over facing the truth and helping myself, and now I know better. Ironically, the giving up on myself is probably what helped him along in his tendency to look elsewhere.
Not having a boyfriend is the least of my problems if I were only interested in what other people thought of me. I don't mean worthy in that way. Even though I basically just got rejected and let my own life go for a year, I know deep down I'm going to make my life right again.
What I'm asking is, as I'm interviewing for jobs, studying for the last exam I need to take to get my degree, searching for an apartment, can I go on a date on Friday night? I'm not literally asking for permission here, I'm just wondering if that's really ethical, for myself and for the people I see, who will presumably have their lives together.
I don't drink or go clubbing, and I've never really dated. It's not about sex. I'm not fantastically attractive and I don't need the attention. I enjoy being with a guy who is single one on one, talking and flirting, and right now I have the confidence to leave it at one or two dates if I don't like him that much or we don't suit each other.
That's a good question, and I think I really mean I feel ready to date, not be in a relationship. It's going to be a while before I'm able to commit to someone again, and I don't think I'll consider living with anyone again before I get married. That didn't work for me.
This was my first adult relationship; I had a high school sweetheart, and then I was single for several years while I went to school and worked part-time at various things. I ignored and denied the fact that he was the wrong type of man because many people who knew us both affirmed that he was a good person, and he was good at hiding the things that were deal breakers and hurt me. But I also put being committed to the relationship over facing the truth and helping myself, and now I know better. Ironically, the giving up on myself is probably what helped him along in his tendency to look elsewhere.
Not having a boyfriend is the least of my problems if I were only interested in what other people thought of me. I don't mean worthy in that way. Even though I basically just got rejected and let my own life go for a year, I know deep down I'm going to make my life right again.
What I'm asking is, as I'm interviewing for jobs, studying for the last exam I need to take to get my degree, searching for an apartment, can I go on a date on Friday night? I'm not literally asking for permission here, I'm just wondering if that's really ethical, for myself and for the people I see, who will presumably have their lives together.
I don't drink or go clubbing, and I've never really dated. It's not about sex. I'm not fantastically attractive and I don't need the attention. I enjoy being with a guy who is single one on one, talking and flirting, and right now I have the confidence to leave it at one or two dates if I don't like him that much or we don't suit each other.
Miacat, if you are not ready for a relationship, what would be the purpose of dating? I think your first priority should be to get your life back on track. This last relationship derailed you. Until you have your self confidence back and are independent again, you probably will not attract the type of man you would like to meet. Get your life back on track, go out and have fun with friends, and enjoy the things that you like to do. Dating will happen when the time is right. But have fun with it, don't get so serious.
I dont think just because you have things going on in your life and dont have your own place you arent worthy of being with someone. I mean it takes time to get to the point of a relationship anyways, you could always find someone who understands all you have going on in your life and is willing to take it type slow. After all you dont want to rush anything anyways. Just my opinion on the matter, hope it helped.
I had a crisis break up with my boyfriend last week (i.e. not planned, yelling and crying, I left). There were threads of infidelity from almost the month we started dating a year and a half ago, so even though I wanted to marry the guy, I can accept now that it's over and it's definitely a good thing. My dad has taken me in for a brief time so I can get back on my feet.
Seven months ago, I moved to a different state with my ex-boyfriend as he was starting a new job. I didn't do well in the new place; I worked part-time at something awful and procrastinated on finishing my masters degree from a distance. I gained weight because I stopped doing a sport. All of that is my own responsibility, and after crying my way through a box of tissues, I realized I need to get my butt in gear right now. I need to get a full-time job, get in shape, finish my masters, and get an apartment right now. I should have done it a year ago, at least, instead of choosing to live with this man.
I'm 25, I know what I want from a relationship, and I would love to start dating again. I feel ready. But I want to be worthy of respect when I start dating again. I want to pull my weight in whatever relationship I get into next. Does it make any sense to meet a new person, especially a really compatible one, if I don't have my own place, still have some school work hanging over my head, etc? I feel like I have a lot to offer in a relationship, but the external things are even more important. When am I worthy of getting into a relationship?
solicited advice.
what has your worthiness got to do with somebody else's bad behavior.
of course you are worthy.
this is a risk but have you seen a counelor bout any of this? is it possible that you may have some self esteem issues to sort out. would not hurt to find out and better prepare you for your next try.
this is not an attempt to diagnos but ask the counselor if you have any codependency issues, if they say yes, attend 12 step coda and continue with counseling like your life depended on it, that is IF you are directed to do so in counseling.
have a great day.
stephen s
san diego ca
No question there is a confidence issue as other mention.
To me this is silly, go to school, lose weight if that makes you feel better, and kick some ass. Nothing is more sexy than a confident woman with her masters! Seriously, finish up the business, then go play, no boys for you until school is out.
Seriously, finish up the business, then go play, no boys for you until school is out.
ROTFL - that's what I need to hear, I guess.
And, yes, my self esteem is poor. I don't think it's a permanent state, though. When I meet my responsibilities - working, actively studying - I don't have this crisis of confidence. I feel great then, and I'm looking forward to getting back to that.
If in two or three months I am still stuck, I'm definitely heading to a counselor. It's hard to face the idea that I was codependent, but obviously after this relationship I need to watch for it in the future and take relationships slower.
Thank your for your responses. They were objective and helped me a lot.
I think you sound like a wonderful and bright young lady. You have goals and a plan as to how to reach those goals. I agree that you should put dating on the back burner for a bit. You don't need anything to interfer with your plans for your future and you will need time to reflect over the relationship you just ended. Once you get some time and distance between you and the ex and have all your ducks in a row regarding the other aspects of your life.... some guy will think you're quite the catch! Good luck!
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