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In a relationship, both people are never ALWAYS goin to see eye to eye on everything.
Some times it is a little dissagreement, sometimes it is a huge difference in opinion.
How do you argue with your SO?
One of my friends has told me stories about argueing with a SO and they used every name in the book and yelled and screamed. I don't think this is healthy, but I assume this happens more often then I would think.
I also have been in relationships where just changing the tone of my voice without yelling was "too much" for an ex-gf.
Me personnaly, I consider myself non confrontational, but sometimes there are issues that one must stand their ground on.
How do/have you argue(d) ? What have you learned over the years ?
I usually state my side of it and then say, "Okay, I don't want to hear any more about it." Which means I won.
I appreciate the honesty here.
I think realistically, a lot of couples argue. Does that mean that those couples are not as compatible as those who don't argue? I don't know if I agree there.
I think what is importan is that when couples argue, both members are ok with how the 'conversation' goes. I think different people can handle different things that occur dring argueing.
Personnaly, if my S/O called me an A-hole cause I was being a jerk, I wouldn't consider that a deal breaker. But, some woman might consider being told they are acting like a b**** a dealbreaker.
Not that I ever think name calling is appropriate, but I KNOW 'some' people name call.
I do agree, that people shouldn't spend too much time argueing, but I don't think that never argueing is healthy either.
I spent my first marriage in a chronic state of arguing, making up, arguing, making up. Talk about a merri go round of madness. It was emotionally exhausting! We had physical/sexual attraction but that's where it ended. Now I'm fortunate enough to have physical attraction with someone I am compatible with, it's amazing... We don't agree on everything but we don't stuff our feelings either. There are healthy ways to disagree and unhealthy ways.
I spent my first marriage in a chronic state of arguing, making up, arguing, making up. Talk about a merri go round of madness. It was emotionally exhausting! We had physical/sexual attraction but that's where it ended. Now I'm fortunate enough to have physical attraction with someone I am compatible with, it's amazing... We don't agree on everything but we don't stuff our feelings either. There are healthy ways to disagree and unhealthy ways.
Your first marraige sounds like my previous relationship as far as the argueing.
It sounds like your current relationship is a better fit. Is that the main difference ?
Or did you learn from the previous marriage as well ?
I wonder if the relationship I was in was just two people that weren't very compatible. But, she was my best friend at one point, and we had A LOT in common. But we also had extreme differences, and in the end, those extreme differences lead to argueing, and our argueing was unhealthy.
Your first marraige sounds like my previous relationship as far as the argueing.
It sounds like your current relationship is a better fit. Is that the main difference ?
Or did you learn from the previous marriage as well ?
I wonder if the relationship I was in was just two people that weren't very compatible. But, she was my best friend at one point, and we had A LOT in common. But we also had extreme differences, and in the end, those extreme differences lead to argueing, and our argueing was unhealthy.
My first marriage lasted 10 years. We were college sweethearts, fraternity/sorority dream couple. Looked great together, we made sense in a superficial way. He would expect me to act one way, I would expect him to act another way. We traveled the world together, we lived in many different places where we only had each other. We walked through the valley of hell together and managed our way out. We loved hard, and burned hard, we argued more than not. We ended our marriage. I wish him well, we are friendly because of our children. He still attracts volatile relationships but I hope he will find happiness.
In my current relationship we have been together almost 4 years. We adore each other, we laugh all the time, we love to spend time together, we don't expect the other to change. Bottom line is that while we have sexual chemistry it doesn't fight against us, it brings us closer. We experience love everytime we are around each other. We are equally devoted and engaged. It's an effortless partnership that doesn't require work. I never would have believed that it was possible if someone told me 5 yrs ago that a partnership could be so good. And yet we are living proof.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes
I don't beleive men internalize insults the way women do, so they know what to say to women to really bring them down.
(no I'm not saying women should start calling them names either).
Yeah because we're made of stone .
I always try to avoid confrontation, unless I feel I just have to stand up for myself, another or the principle of the matter. If people don't argue rationally, fairly, try to make personal attacks irrelevant to the argument, or try to paint YOU as the irrational party when they are being irrational, I don't even take what they're saying seriously. I don't really yell or shout or raise my voice, not my style.
MrsCPG used to simply erupt. Over time she has realized that I really, really hate that. I just shut down when that happens and I don't listen.
Me? I think I've actually raised my voice once in our marriage. I'm one of those people who gets annoyed and then comes back thirty minutes later and says, "Here's what I don't like about what you did/said...." And then I tick off my points, after which I'm done. She used to think it was cute, but now she says my style of arguing is simply to wear someone down.
We had a dispute at Christmas this year. In October and November, I said a couple of times, "This has been a busy year this year. Do we really have to go see everybody this Christmas? Let's just stay at home and enjoy a nice quiet holiday." Simple enough, right? Well, she interpreted that to mean, "This has been a busy year this year. Do we really have to see everybody this Christmas? Let's just stay home and invite your entire family to come to our house for several days starting on the 26th." This was sprung on me on December 21st.
At first, I kind of blew it off, but the more I thought of it the madder I got. And when I get mad, the quieter I get.
So she finally blows into the bedroom confronts me and says, "Hey! This is my holiday, too!" Trust me. When MrsCPG gets ticked off, it's advisable that you drive until you run out of gas and then start hitchhiking.
To that I respond, "Okay. What part of 'nice, quiet holiday' did you not hear? Because we agreed to that."
"We are having a nice, quiet holiday. What the hell are you talking about?"
"With twenty of your family members descending on us?" She started to open her mouth and stopped.
"Oh. I hadn't thought of it that way." To her, a bunch of family hanging out for days on end is relaxing. While, to me, it's about as relaxing as a prison riot.
So I promised to be a good host and she promised to shoo everybody out quickly after two days. Not much of a compromise but better than nothing. But next year? No way, no how are we doing that.
MrsCPG used to simply erupt. Over time she has realized that I really, really hate that. I just shut down when that happens and I don't listen.
Me? I think I've actually raised my voice once in our marriage. I'm one of those people who gets annoyed and then comes back thirty minutes later and says, "Here's what I don't like about what you did/said...." And then I tick off my points, after which I'm done. She used to think it was cute, but now she says my style of arguing is simply to wear someone down.
We had a dispute at Christmas this year. In October and November, I said a couple of times, "This has been a busy year this year. Do we really have to go see everybody this Christmas? Let's just stay at home and enjoy a nice quiet holiday." Simple enough, right? Well, she interpreted that to mean, "This has been a busy year this year. Do we really have to see everybody this Christmas? Let's just stay home and invite your entire family to come to our house for several days starting on the 26th." This was sprung on me on December 21st.
At first, I kind of blew it off, but the more I thought of it the madder I got. And when I get mad, the quieter I get.
So she finally blows into the bedroom confronts me and says, "Hey! This is my holiday, too!" Trust me. When MrsCPG gets ticked off, it's advisable that you drive until you run out of gas and then start hitchhiking.
To that I respond, "Okay. What part of 'nice, quiet holiday' did you not hear? Because we agreed to that."
"We are having a nice, quiet holiday. What the hell are you talking about?"
"With twenty of your family members descending on us?" She started to open her mouth and stopped.
"Oh. I hadn't thought of it that way." To her, a bunch of family hanging out for days on end is relaxing. While, to me, it's about as relaxing as a prison riot.
So I promised to be a good host and she promised to shoo everybody out quickly after two days. Not much of a compromise but better than nothing. But next year? No way, no how are we doing that.
That would have been a tough one for me. I probly would have lost some sleep on that before the family even arrived. I think you did the best you could considerin the situation.
Good for you to not let that get out of control. Difficult I am sure, but well done!
I always try to avoid confrontation,unless I feel I just have to stand up for myself, another or the principle of the matter. If people don't argue rationally, fairly, try to make personal attacks irrelevant to the argument, or try to paint YOU as the irrational party when they are being irrational, I don't even take what they're saying seriously. I don't really yell or shout or raise my voice, not my style.
No, I'm not saying that exactly. Just saying I been in situations with them (not relationships, obviously) where I been privvy to their 'argument styles' and it's not pretty! Just saying I beleive women take their downgrading and personal attacks on a different level. For example, I'm sure there's "battered man's syndrome," but I never heard of it *shrugs*
Like you I also try to avoid confrontation unless no other choice, not going to let anyone walk all over me. I will yell and shout and raise my voice if they do it to me, which they have. I don't care what people think of this either, women should not have to put up with that crap, though many do. IMO they use their size and loud voices to intimidate women.
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