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Old 06-21-2012, 10:44 AM
 
2,761 posts, read 4,138,695 times
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Generally speaking, do most people realize that they self-sabatoged a relationship?
Or is that more of an "excuse" that the OTHER person uses to validate why a relationship didn't work?
for example:
Maybe in one persons eyes, the S/O was not really ready to commit, even though the S/O "tried" in their own way.
But, maybe the S/O did fully commit "in their eyes", but it just wasn't "enough" for the other person.

Do people ever really go to sleep a night and say "I REEEEEEALLLLY screwed up a good thing?"

In talking with people, a common post break up comment is "one day, so and so will realize what they did. maybe not today, not tomorrow, but someday."

But I have never actually experienced this.
Anyone?
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Old 06-21-2012, 11:04 AM
 
13,677 posts, read 13,575,490 times
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I dunno, I've occasionally looked back with regret after I've processed a breakup, but as time passes, I see more and more that the breakup happened for reasons of incompatibility.

I mean, the guy who I view as the love of my life and I did not have matching values at all - we had a great short-term thing, but we could not have compromised in a way that would have made for a healthy long-term relationship. We parted amicably, with a great deal of affection, but we recognize that what we had was not something that would endure. I guess you could say we ended on a high note.

Another relationship, I regretted dumping the guy, but viewing him through the lens of time, I realized we simply did not care about the same things. We would have grown bored with each other. In another case, the guy had serious mental problems - I regretted the breakup for a period after I initiated it, but later realized that he would never have been able to function as a full partner in a long-term relationship with me. He's doing quite well in another relationship, but his current girlfriend has different wants and concerns than I did. She also fits far more comfortably into his comfort zones.

So I have, at times, thought I self-sabotaged a relationship for brief periods, but common sense has told me that it was simply reasonable behavior - I just didn't want to recognize it as such, because I wanted very much for the relationship to have been salvageable.

More recently, I screwed up a potential relationship by becoming too clingy while going through a hard time. It wasn't a "self-sabotage" situation, but I put the blame squarely on my own shoulders.

When you say self-sabotage, I think of people who tank a relationship because they are scared of the commitment or emotional effort required. There are people who do this, but they tend to have very specific emotional issues, from what I can tell.
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Old 06-21-2012, 11:33 AM
 
2,761 posts, read 4,138,695 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
I dunno, I've occasionally looked back with regret after I've processed a breakup, but as time passes, I see more and more that the breakup happened for reasons of incompatibility.

I mean, the guy who I view as the love of my life and I did not have matching values at all - we had a great short-term thing, but we could not have compromised in a way that would have made for a healthy long-term relationship. We parted amicably, with a great deal of affection, but we recognize that what we had was not something that would endure. I guess you could say we ended on a high note.

Another relationship, I regretted dumping the guy, but viewing him through the lens of time, I realized we simply did not care about the same things. We would have grown bored with each other. In another case, the guy had serious mental problems - I regretted the breakup for a period after I initiated it, but later realized that he would never have been able to function as a full partner in a long-term relationship with me. He's doing quite well in another relationship, but his current girlfriend has different wants and concerns than I did. She also fits far more comfortably into his comfort zones.

So I have, at times, thought I self-sabotaged a relationship for brief periods, but common sense has told me that it was simply reasonable behavior - I just didn't want to recognize it as such, because I wanted very much for the relationship to have been salvageable.

More recently, I screwed up a potential relationship by becoming too clingy while going through a hard time. It wasn't a "self-sabotage" situation, but I put the blame squarely on my own shoulders.

When you say self-sabotage, I think of people who tank a relationship because they are scared of the commitment or emotional effort required. There are people who do this, but they tend to have very specific emotional issues, from what I can tell.


Interesting, So it seems most people might make a decision based on their bes judgement, and even though the other person doesn't see it that way, when summing up the whole relationship, the 2 were just not compatible, and someone made the final judgement sooner then the other person.

Sabotage - I wanted to keep it general, not neccesarily for any specific reason. Could be an ex held back in a few areas of life that would basically make it extrememly difficult for a happy relationship to last.
For example, maybe someone is "in love", but still needs to keep the social life and bf seperate.
Or, maybe sexually, one person holds back in fear of what the other person might think (read: turned off) if they really performed to their true potential.

Could be any reason a person basically puts a wall up, and doesn't let the other person in their life/really know "who they are"....
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Old 06-21-2012, 11:34 AM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,071 posts, read 8,361,765 times
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Yes, I believe that it can happen. Someone can screw up a relationship or dump someone, then look back and realize they made a mistake. It's the whole saying you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. Some people are afraid of serious relationships, they have baggage/issues from past relationships, whatever so they run away from someone only to later when they've worked through their issues realize that they really missed out on a good thing.
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Old 06-21-2012, 01:51 PM
 
Location: Canada
9,068 posts, read 8,336,310 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AverageGuy2006 View Post
Generally speaking, do most people realize that they self-sabatoged a relationship?
Or is that more of an "excuse" that the OTHER person uses to validate why a relationship didn't work?
for example:
Maybe in one persons eyes, the S/O was not really ready to commit, even though the S/O "tried" in their own way.
But, maybe the S/O did fully commit "in their eyes", but it just wasn't "enough" for the other person.

Do people ever really go to sleep a night and say "I REEEEEEALLLLY screwed up a good thing?"

In talking with people, a common post break up comment is "one day, so and so will realize what they did. maybe not today, not tomorrow, but someday."

But I have never actually experienced this.
Anyone?
I have never felt that way personally, but my ex-husband called yesterday and said that very thing to me, although in different words, that he "threw away the best thing that ever happened to him". He would give just about anything if I'd take him back but he didn't directly ask because he knows it wouldn't happen.
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Old 06-21-2012, 03:21 PM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,071 posts, read 8,361,765 times
Reputation: 11554
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
I have never felt that way personally, but my ex-husband called yesterday and said that very thing to me, although in different words, that he "threw away the best thing that ever happened to him". He would give just about anything if I'd take him back but he didn't directly ask because he knows it wouldn't happen.
Not to be off topic but that's amazing and must have really made you feel good. I would love if my ex husband said that but I'm not holding my breath! And good for you for moving on!
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