Gay Men of Color: Do You Find It More Difficult to Date? (dating, non-black)

[alexiana]

I have a black gay friend who's in his mid-20s, model gorgeous, smart, fun, etc yet he says he has trouble getting dates/interest online and on apps like Grindr. He says most guys are more apt to hit up average-looking white men above anyone else and that gay white men have more opportunities for friendship, dates, and sex just by virtue of being white. He has become bitter and angry because of this.

Gay men of color, tell me about your experiences.

[nj21]

Originally Posted by alexiana

I have a black gay friend who's in his mid-20s, model gorgeous, smart, fun, etc yet he says he has trouble getting dates/interest online and on apps like Grindr. He says most guys are more apt to hit up average-looking white men above anyone else and that gay white men have more opportunities for friendship, dates, and sex just by virtue of being white. He has become bitter and angry because of this.

Gay men of color, tell me about your experiences.

Well I'm not a gay man of color, but at my last place of employment, my assistant was. And although we worked together for about 2 months, he would complain on a daily basis on how he hadn't been in a relationship for over 2 years and how he wanted love.

Like you stated, most of the men he dated were of a different ethnic background. He also was HIV+, so that could have been another reason why he was having difficulty dating.

[bicoastal10]

OP, why doesn't he just find other gay/bi Black men to date and socialize with? It sounds like he's trying to socialize with other races of people so of course he's going to run into problems. Despite the fact that it's 2012, people still tend to feel most comfortable amongst those of their own race so gay dating is probably no different.

[barkomatic]

I know a number of gay men and I'm gay myself. It's been my experience that gay guys tend to blame their dating problems on every external factor they can find when they are frustrated. That goes for guys of any race.

Are you the female friend? You sound nice. Are you sure your friend is actually "model gorgeous, smart and fun"? Any chance some of those traits have been embellished a little?

One more thing, if your friend says he is looking for dates, he should know that grindr is oriented toward hookups.

[xxbabeechick]

I've had a lot of gay black men tell me about overt racism in the gay community, almost like gay men feel they have carte blanche to voice sentiments about black men that others never would because they are gay. And frankly I've seen it among my non-black gay male friends, so I don't doubt them.

[9162]

Originally Posted by xxbabeechick

I've had a lot of gay black men tell me about overt racism in the gay community, almost like gay men feel they have carte blanche to voice sentiments about black men that others never would because they are gay. And frankly I've seen it among my non-black gay male friends, so I don't doubt them.

I have heard similar stories from straight black men who want to date white women, but the woman are not interested.

What many people don't consider is the blatant homophobia consistently used against the gay community throughout the media and society in general; homophobia and the discouragement used against us forming close meaningful relationships in the first place, is what is hurting us.

Also, consider how hyper-sensitive many blacks are when it comes to racism; gays don't have the luxury of being as thin-skinned concerning homophobia, we have to get over it. A dissproportionate amount of homophobia has also come from people of color. It has been indicated that it was people of color who allowed Proposition 8 to pass in California; the very people who should understand discrimination, are the ones who discriminate against us the most. Overall, though, I don't think there is any more racism in the gay community, as there is in the straight community, its just that a gay black man might notice it more, since he is socializing within the gay community and looking to date. But, as a gay white man, I will tell you it is not easy for either, being white or black. Dating is very tough, and I've actually noticed on occasion that a gay black man might be a bit more considerate, and sincere at times than a gay white guy. People have to realize, that what is on the inside that is the most important, and I'm not trying to sound cliche, but it really is true.

[alexiana]

Originally Posted by bicoastal10

OP, why doesn't he just find other gay/bi Black men to date and socialize with? It sounds like he's trying to socialize with other races of people so of course he's going to run into problems. Despite the fact that it's 2012, people still tend to feel most comfortable amongst those of their own race so gay dating is probably no different.

He says that most black men are primarily interested in white guys. And it wouldn't matter anyway, because it's not like where we live has a large, cohesive group of black gay men--it's primarily white. I like him will socialize with anyone, but here is a definitve divide/exclusion among many gay guys.

[alexiana]

Originally Posted by barkomatic

Are you sure your friend is actually "model gorgeous, smart and fun"? Any chance some of those traits have been embellished a little?

One more thing, if your friend says he is looking for dates, he should know that grindr is oriented toward hookups.

He gets accosted and complimented excessively when we're out by both men and women and his looks are often the center of attention in social settings, so yes, he is model gorgeous. I think people in places like New York have no idea how someone like him could get virtually no attention online, but again, this isn't New York.

Also, my experience f Grindr has been that alot of guys are just looking for friends. Who knows, with all the shirtless profiles, maybe they're just fooling themselves.

[alexiana]

Originally Posted by 9162

. People have to realize, that what is on the inside that is the most important, and I'm not trying to sound cliche, but it really is true.

Come on now, do you think people think about "what's on the inside" when they're looking for their next trick on Grindr? He told me that he was logged into to Grindr for 4 hours...not a SINGLE message... Until he uploads a white guy of roughly the same attractiveness, then his Grindr blows up with interest. That can't feel good.

I think it's hard to relate unless you're on the receiving end.

[Trimac20]

Originally Posted by nj21

Well I'm not a gay man of color, but at my last place of employment, my assistant was. And although we worked together for about 2 months, he would complain on a daily basis on how he hadn't been in a relationship for over 2 years and how he wanted love.

Like you stated, most of the men he dated were of a different ethnic background. He also was HIV+, so that could have been another reason why he was having difficulty dating.

To be totally blunt, I don't think anyone who is HIV positive should even be in a sexual relationship. Even if they take measures of 'prevention' which aren't 100.0% effective all of the time.