Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So, I've read several threads today related to this and recently had it happen to me - being ghosted on. My friend told me this term a few weeks ago and I thought it was really appropriate. I was dating a guy for about a month and a half when he ghosted. We were getting along pretty well, talked most days, etc. and then poof. His texts and calls stopped. I did text to make sure he was still alive only for him to say "had company in town" okay because having company prevents you from using the phone, right? Now absolutely nothing from him for over a week.
I'm trying to just let it go but I feel outraged. He ghosted! Fell off the face of the earth and just let me take a hint that he's not interested anymore. I could maybe understand ghosting after one date or even two, but a month and a half and many many dates?? NO! You owe me an explanation. I would think even the biggest coward on earth could send a brief text saying sorry, I'm no longer interested in dating. Anything really so that I knew where I stood and didn't waste anymore time.
Anyone else ever been ghosted on? Did you confront the other person or just let it go? What are your thought on this cowardly way of getting out of a relationship?
I never heard that term before, but as Sergeant Mac told agent Blaine in The Predator "You're ghostin us motherf$%ker. I don't care who you are back in the world, you give away our position one more time, I'll bleed ya, real quiet. Leave ya here, got that?"
This happened to me ALL THE TIME. Especially with online dating. I'd go out on 4 or 5 dates of what I thought were great (made out, became pretty intimate, they said they couldn't wait to see me on xxx day) and then poof. Gone.
The reason? They're cowards. They don't think they owe you anything, and they really don't, but they also don't believe in common courtesy. For whatever reason to no fault of your own they decided they weren't interested and didn't have the balls to just respectfully tell you how they honestly felt. It's hard to reject someone and it takes balls to do it...the guys you went out with were just tools and are sackless so you can feel better knowing you could've ended up wasting further time with someone like that.
I hear what you are saying, but I don't agree that it's because of a lack of courtesy. In my case, like I explained earlier, I couldn't bring myself to tell the guy that I just wasn't feeling him because I knew he would have been hurt. However, I sliced it, I was still rejecting him and some people cannot take that.
Haven't you ever heard stories of people flipping out when their significant other breaks up with them, I mean going berserk, breaking things, yelling etc? It's happened to a lot of people I know. Or, you try to break up with someone and they are crying and begging you to give them one more chance, that they can change, that you don't know them?
It effing sucks and it's really difficult to know the best way to break up with someone. You don't know how they'd take the news, particularly someone that has been through some type of abandonment
For me, I did the fade. I know why I did it and I do not regret it. It was the kindest thing to do. I am not going to tell someone who likes me, "Hey buddy, you are nice and all, but I'm not feeling you". I am not going to hurt them like that. Yes, a fade is still painful but not as painful as face to face or phone or text rejection. Those other methods are not as easily forgettable, IMO. You'd always remember someone who told you "Cdubs, I don't want you anymore", than someone who just faded.
I just wanted to share my side so that people would get other perspectives from "faders". It's not always coming from a mean place.
I hear what you are saying, but I don't agree that it's because of a lack of courtesy. In my case, like I explained earlier, I couldn't bring myself to tell the guy that I just wasn't feeling him because I knew he would have been hurt. However, I sliced it, I was still rejecting him and some people cannot take that.
Haven't you ever heard stories of people flipping out when their significant other breaks up with them, I mean going berserk, breaking things, yelling etc? It's happened to a lot of people I know. Or, you try to break up with someone and they are crying and begging you to give them one more chance, that they can change, that you don't know them?
It effing sucks and it's really difficult to know the best way to break up with someone. You don't know how they'd take the news, particularly someone that has been through some type of abandonment
For me, I did the fade. I know why I did it and I do not regret it. It was the kindest thing to do. I am not going to tell someone who likes me, "Hey buddy, you are nice and all, but I'm not feeling you". I am not going to hurt them like that. Yes, a fade is still painful but not as painful as face to face or phone or text rejection. Those other methods are not as easily forgettable, IMO. You'd always remember someone who told you "Cdubs, I don't want you anymore", than someone who just faded.
I just wanted to share my side so that people would get other perspectives from "faders". It's not always coming from a mean place.
I 100% disagree with you. The fade is NOT nicer. It's cruel, it leaves the other person dangling, sometimes for weeks at a time wondering if you're just busy, if you're still alive, if something bad happened, or if you're just too chicken to say you changed your mind. In this case we discussed being exclusive, so I was left with no idea if I should move on - was he just busy and it would be like cheating if I saw someone else? The up front approach does hurt but it hurts at the time of the conversation whether that's phone, text, or in person, but you walk away from that conversation knowing to move on and that it's over. The fade hurts every single day that that person is left to wonder if you're going to return their call or text. It hurts every night when another day passes with no contact and you are left wondering. Some people hold on longer than others too. If you faded to a guy that really liked you who knows how long he waited and hurt before it really sunk in that you were not coming back. I once had to break up with a great guy who adored me because I wasn't as into him as he was to me. We dated for a couple months and I told him face to face in the nicest way I could. It absolutely sucked and I felt guilty and awful but I gave him that closure because I respected him and because he deserved an explanation from me.
You can make all the excuses you want, but I'm not buying it. The fade was kinder for YOU. It was easier for YOU because you couldn't handle the confrontation. Because you didn't want to have to feel guilty or see that you hurt someone. It's the avoidance approach of a coward.
I 100% disagree with you. The fade is NOT nicer. It's cruel, it leaves the other person dangling, sometimes for weeks at a time wondering if you're just busy, if you're still alive, if something bad happened, or if you're just too chicken to say you changed your mind. In this case we discussed being exclusive, so I was left with no idea if I should move on - was he just busy and it would be like cheating if I saw someone else? The up front approach does hurt but it hurts at the time of the conversation whether that's phone, text, or in person, but you walk away from that conversation knowing to move on and that it's over. The fade hurts every single day that that person is left to wonder if you're going to return their call or text. It hurts every night when another day passes with no contact and you are left wondering. Some people hold on longer than others too. If you faded to a guy that really liked you who knows how long he waited and hurt before it really sunk in that you were not coming back. I once had to break up with a great guy who adored me because I wasn't as into him as he was to me. We dated for a couple months and I told him face to face in the nicest way I could. It absolutely sucked and I felt guilty and awful but I gave him that closure because I respected him and because he deserved an explanation from me.
You can make all the excuses you want, but I'm not buying it. The fade was kinder for YOU. It was easier for YOU because you couldn't handle the confrontation. Because you didn't want to have to feel guilty or see that you hurt someone. It's the avoidance approach of a coward.
Totally agree with this.
As my rule of thumb, I think about treating others the way I wish to be treated. If someone broke up with me, wouldn't I want to hear from them? Yes, I'd want an explanation. Naturally, I'd want to treat others the same way. It is really that simple.
Haven't you ever heard stories of people flipping out when their significant other breaks up with them, I mean going berserk, breaking things, yelling etc? It's happened to a lot of people I know. Or, you try to break up with someone and they are crying and begging you to give them one more chance, that they can change, that you don't know them?
Some people are rude and don't say "thank you" to you if you hold the door open for them as a polite gesture...does that mean you should stop doing it completely?
Some people get in car accidents and even kill people when they drive. Does that mean we should ban driving?
Sometimes our favorite football team loses on Sunday and it makes people upset or sad. Does that mean they shouldn't watch?
My point: Why punish good people with a rude action just because a few bad apples might act in a way that is unfavorable?
You didn't do the fade away ghost move because it was the right thing to do, you did it because you could get away with it and take a cop out path without any consequence. With the way the world is changing, people are slowly starting to prefer dating people outside of work or outside of social circles so that they can do disrespectful things like cheat or break their heart without social consequence. If you don't have to see someone again via daily life, what does it matter if you confuse them, stand them up, cheat on them, break a date, etc. It's the easy way out.
If it's just one date or something, fine, no big deal. If you dated over a significant period of time, lead the other person to believe there was serious interest on your part and you had a change of heart, I feel like the least you could do is let them know through some form of communication. If they flip out on you then you say "hey buddy, I'm trying to do the right thing here and show some respect, take the high road." and then you'll just re-confirm your decision to end it was the correct one.
My mythbuster: it is NOT easier for the person you're rejecting to just fade away. It confuses them, it drives them crazy for a week or so or as long as it takes them to realize you're never going to talk to them again. You make them think it was their fault, they start second guessing themselves, wondering if they did something to upset you or turn you off, etc. A simple courtesy to say "hey, you're a great person/I had a great time but I'm just not feeling chemistry or I've decided to stop dating for a while" or something that isn't rude and let's them know they didn't do anything wrong. It's a common courtesy and nice gesture to do so, like holding a door open for an old woman at the store.
But if that's beyond you to do something for someone who is putting their emotions on the line for a chance at something special then it speaks much more about you as a person than the person you're doing it to.
I'd be ashamed at the fact you tried to make an argument or justification for doing something so rude.
Last edited by cdubs3201; 06-27-2012 at 02:14 PM..
Some people are rude and don't say "thank you" to you if you hold the door open for them as a polite gesture...does that mean you should stop doing it completely?
Some people get in car accidents and even kill people when they drive. Does that mean we should ban driving?
Sometimes our favorite football team loses on Sunday and it makes people upset or sad. Does that mean they shouldn't watch?
My point: Why punish good people with a rude action just because a few bad apples might act in a way that is unfavorable?
You didn't do the fade away ghost move because it was the right thing to do, you did it because you could get away with it and take a cop out path without any consequence. With the way the world is changing, people are slowly starting to prefer dating people outside of work or outside of social circles so that they can do disrespectful things like cheat or break their heart without social consequence. If you don't have to see someone again via daily life, what does it matter if you confuse them, stand them up, cheat on them, break a date, etc. It's the easy way out.
If it's just one date or something, fine, no big deal. If you dated over a significant period of time, lead the other person to believe there was serious interest on your part and you had a change of heart, I feel like the least you could do is let them know through some form of communication. If they flip out on you then you say "hey buddy, I'm trying to do the right thing here and show some respect, take the high road." and then you'll just re-confirm your decision to end it was the correct one.
My mythbuster: it is NOT easier for the person you're rejecting to just fade away. It confuses them, it drives them crazy for a week or so or as long as it takes them to realize you're never going to talk to them again. You make them think it was their fault, they start second guessing themselves, wondering if they did something to upset you or turn you off, etc. A simple courtesy to say "hey, you're a great person/I had a great time but I'm just not feeling chemistry or I've decided to stop dating for a while" or something that isn't rude and let's them know they didn't do anything wrong. It's a common courtesy and nice gesture to do so, like holding a door open for an old woman at the store.
But if that's beyond you to do something for someone who is putting their emotions on the line for a chance at something special then it speaks much more about you as a person than the person you're doing it to.
I'd be ashamed at the fact you tried to make an argument or justification for doing something so rude.
I agree with most of this, although I personally think even for a first date (depending on how it went), it's still best to make it clear (if it's obvious it was bad, well no explanation needed). I've had incidents where even though we only went on one date, they had already asked me to a 2nd one by the end of the night, then never followed through. And communications afterwards kept being like "oh, we'll get together soon", "we'll talk soon." Now that is just misleading. Even though we only had one date in that one situation, he should have just said nice to meet you and left it at that. Saying things you don't mean regardless of how early it is in the dating process is really inconsiderate and confusing.
I've actually become really used to this... the last few guys I've gone on dates with have just disappeared. The only two that have stayed in contact ended up asking me for sexual favors and THEN disappearing after I said 'no thanks'.
Honestly, I don't mind it, I just figure he wasn't that into me, he found another girl he liked better or he thought there was something horribly wrong with me. Either way it wouldn't have worked so no big deal
I've actually become really used to this... the last few guys I've gone on dates with have just disappeared. The only two that have stayed in contact ended up asking me for sexual favors and THEN disappearing after I said 'no thanks'.
Honestly, I don't mind it, I just figure he wasn't that into me, he found another girl he liked better or he thought there was something horribly wrong with me. Either way it wouldn't have worked so no big deal
It's such a vastly different world that I was raised in. People have no respect for anyone it seems.
I've actually become really used to this... the last few guys I've gone on dates with have just disappeared. The only two that have stayed in contact ended up asking me for sexual favors and THEN disappearing after I said 'no thanks'.
Honestly, I don't mind it, I just figure he wasn't that into me, he found another girl he liked better or he thought there was something horribly wrong with me. Either way it wouldn't have worked so no big deal
That really sucks, both that so many men have treated you so shabbily, and that from the sounds of it, you don't expect men to behave better.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
