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I have a type and when dating I stuck to that type. Blue collar, big old teddy bear guys. Then I married the exact opposite. Skinny, little guy that wanted to be white collar but didn't want to get the credentials. It was not a pretty time.
So now I'm back to my type, big teddy bear guys. I am prejudiced I will admit. I will not consider a little skinny guy ever again. Brings back too many bad memories.
I was thinking of this when I was driving to the grocery store today. =/ Why do we pick the people we pick? What about them makes us want to be with them? Has this changed? Can we change?
Have you ever tried to look outside your box?
It's hard to lookout side the box when your believe your head over hills with someone. We all tend to wear rose colored glasses in our relationships. Maybe we tend to pick those who remind us of someone from our past who we felt we had the strongest connection with. Like in my case I felt I was trying to capture what could of been and chasing my youth all at the some time. Looking back all the women I have been serious about have had dark hair short with the same personallity as the one I am going though issues with now or was. It's hard to tell if we can change or not I never knew I was seeking out the same type of person all these years, untill just recently so maybe it's something we need to make ourselfs aware of. Even my room mate who is one of my best friends her Bf can't see ALL his faults she has admitted that because he is younger then her she believes that she is some how hanging on to her youth by being with him. I guess you just have to be aware of people when your looking start taking the realtionship to the next level. I guess we can hope to learn from our past mistakes before we make the same mistakes. The question is how?
It's hard to lookout side the box when your believe your head over hills with someone. We all tend to wear rose colored glasses in our relationships. Maybe we tend to pick those who remind us of someone from our past who we felt we had the strongest connection with. Like in my case I felt I was trying to capture what could of been and chasing my youth all at the some time. Looking back all the women I have been serious about have had dark hair short with the same personallity as the one I am going though issues with now or was. It's hard to tell if we can change or not I never knew I was seeking out the same type of person all these years, untill just recently so maybe it's something we need to make ourselfs aware of. Even my room mate who is one of my best friends her Bf can't see ALL his faults she has admitted that because he is younger then her she believes that she is some how hanging on to her youth by being with him. I guess you just have to be aware of people when your looking start taking the realtionship to the next level. I guess we can hope to learn from our past mistakes before we make the same mistakes. The question is how?
I understand what you are saying, reed067. The reason I know about this is because I was totally interviewing people as I started talking to them and learning about them. I tended to lean towards men who were emotional abusers and I am done with that in my life.
I learned the red flags for emotional abusers and found myself putting people to the test. Over analyzing, etc. Dating became very un-fun. I suppose we just need to keep in the back of our mind what we want in our lives and what is good for us, however, not casting someone aside if they may be a little alike in some way or another to someone in our past.
Like I have said with myself, I went outside the box and am with the man of my dreams....... I just didn't know thats who he was going to be...
I am unable to look outside of the box that destiny put me in so long ago, while also subconsiously hard wiring my brain to stay inside. Right or wrong, it has been and is my fate.
My attraction to women - psychologically has always led me to women that are damaged in some way, emotionally disordered and that in some sense need to be fixed. Although the process of trying to fix them has always been a lost cause. It all started when I was very young and had a primary caregiver (mother) that was extremely narcissistic, erratic, obsessive compulsive and demanding. I could never be good enough for her - and I endured endless cycles of idealization (fake) and overvaluing followed by the inevitable downfall and devaluing that would occur later, and the cycles would continue. Combined with a strict Catholic upbringing (including the prison camp known as the Catholic school I went to in NY) and insanity of dealing with my mother. So on some level in adulthood, I have been attracted to similiar women (psychologically and emotionally) in what has been some kind of quest to re-live the trauma of my youth, only with the flawed assumption that I will be good enough for the woman I am with and despite her issues, I will somehow be able to change and fix her, since I failed in some way as a child with my mother.
Physically - the box that I am in is the result of a reverse Oedipal complex. Where my mother (the tyrant and dictator devoid of empathy and compassion) was tall, slender, had blond hair and blue eyes - I have sought out in adulthood the exact opposite physically of what she was physically as some kind of emotional self defense mechanism that was set in place early on and cannot be changed. So the blueprint for the Skydive Outlaw (and following with the reverse Oedipal complex) in terms of finding women physically and sexually attractive has been brunettes, killer curves and dark eyes. And that will never change.
And emotionally, I seek out women that are incapable of actually loving and/or caring for another person although they appear to on a superficial level. Once again, with enough love from me, there is still a chance that I could fix them or teach them how to love and be worthy of their love, but it is a total lesson in futility and tragic at times. Still totally worth it though when they turn out to be total porn stars in the bedroom, and then I convert my strategy to attempting to fix them through orgasmic therapy, which keeps things going for a while but in the end is ultimately another lost cause. Their approach-avoidance issues (which are symptoms of all of the other problems) cause them to crave intimacy but at the same time fear it and they eventually pull away and the one and only lone Skydive Outlaw is left to wander the Earth once again searching for the next neurological high. . . . which is sometimes the next clit or a few more jumps out of a plane at 12k feet.
In the end. Staying inside the box and not changing has left me with some great memories and experiences and I wouldn't change it all even if I could.
It's hard when you don't see yourself even more hard after it's too late. How do you break a habit when you don't see that you have one?
Thats a good question, but I think after time and hurt and pain, we DO see and realize that we have a habit, etc.
Thats not to say you can't be attracted to brunettes, there may be a wonderful brunette out there in your future!
I liked dark haired men ononly. There was no going outside the box. What color hair did my ex husband have? Blonde. It's the funniest thing. My SO has hair just a little darker than my ex husband and they both have goat tees. Both kind of built the same. I thought to myself, this cant be a good thing. I went into it that way.
I did, however, get to know him by phone, texting, e mailing. I think we both decided it was finally time to meet one another and when we did, all those worries about him having some of the same visual qualities as my ex faded away..... None of that mattered and today, I know he is a much better person than the ex as well as being such a good man. He is the polar opposite.
I am unable to look outside of the box that destiny put me in so long ago, while also subconsiously hard wiring my brain to stay inside. Right or wrong, it has been and is my fate.
My attraction to women - psychologically has always led me to women that are damaged in some way, emotionally disordered and that in some sense need to be fixed. Although the process of trying to fix them has always been a lost cause. It all started when I was very young and had a primary caregiver (mother) that was extremely narcissistic, erratic, obsessive compulsive and demanding. I could never be good enough for her - and I endured endless cycles of idealization (fake) and overvaluing followed by the inevitable downfall and devaluing that would occur later, and the cycles would continue. Combined with a strict Catholic upbringing (including the prison camp known as the Catholic school I went to in NY) and insanity of dealing with my mother. So on some level in adulthood, I have been attracted to similiar women (psychologically and emotionally) in what has been some kind of quest to re-live the trauma of my youth, only with the flawed assumption that I will be good enough for the woman I am with and despite her issues, I will somehow be able to change and fix her, since I failed in some way as a child with my mother.
Physically - the box that I am in is the result of a reverse Oedipal complex. Where my mother (the tyrant and dictator devoid of empathy and compassion) was tall, slender, had blond hair and blue eyes - I have sought out in adulthood the exact opposite physically of what she was physically as some kind of emotional self defense mechanism that was set in place early on and cannot be changed. So the blueprint for the Skydive Outlaw (and following with the reverse Oedipal complex) in terms of finding women physically and sexually attractive has been brunettes, killer curves and dark eyes. And that will never change.
And emotionally, I seek out women that are incapable of actually loving and/or caring for another person although they appear to on a superficial level. Once again, with enough love from me, there is still a chance that I could fix them or teach them how to love and be worthy of their love, but it is a total lesson in futility and tragic at times. Still totally worth it though when they turn out to be total porn stars in the bedroom, and then I convert my strategy to attempting to fix them through orgasmic therapy, which keeps things going for a while but in the end is ultimately another lost cause. Their approach-avoidance issues (which are symptoms of all of the other problems) cause them to crave intimacy but at the same time fear it and they eventually pull away and the one and only lone Skydive Outlaw is left to wander the Earth once again searching for the next neurological high. . . . which is sometimes the next clit or a few more jumps out of a plane at 12k feet.
In the end. Staying inside the box and not changing has left me with some great memories and experiences and I wouldn't change it all even if I could.
Skydive outlaw
Wondering why you were able to come outside of the box visually and not emotionally.
I suppose if your memories are great ones, that is a good thing... =)
Maybe one day you'll find that beautiful brunette with awesome curves who will lack the other things.....
I love to hear that. I have a Ph.D. My wife never finished gymnasium (high school). I was born in a big city in the US. She was born in a small rural town in the north of Jutland. I came from a wealthy family. Her father was a night-watchman with no education (except in life). We fit together perfectly.
Her son is a year away from his Ph.D!
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Like in my case I felt I was trying to capture what could of been and chasing my youth all at the some time. Looking back all the women I have been serious about have had dark hair short with the same personallity as the one I am going though issues with now or was. It's hard to tell if we can change or not I never knew I was seeking out the same type of person all these years, untill just recently so maybe it's something we need to make ourselfs aware of. Even my room mate who is one of my best friends her Bf can't see ALL his faults she has admitted that because he is younger then her she believes that she is some how hanging on to her youth by being with him. I guess you just have to be aware of people when your looking start taking the realtionship to the next level. I guess we can hope to learn from our past mistakes before we make the same mistakes. The question is how? 
