Question to women over 35 about "friends first" dating (family, sex)
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My point is, people think withholding their sexuality will somehow lead to a more successful outcome, when dating, and vice versa. I think this is bad logic.
Ok, so lets say she doesn't tell him she doesn't like sex. Let's say she's a dud in bed but thinks she's all that...or she's got a massive vajayjay...or wont touch you at all...whatever. She's just not a good match sexually.
So you've done all the wooing, the friends first, not rushed into anything, dated her properly etc etc...then FINALLY slept with her...THEN realise you are essentially incompatible in this way and have to abandon the relationship, or at least stop sleeping with her.
What woman do you think will remain your "friend" after that sort of behaviour?
I'd guess the odds of this are pretty low, and if you choose a strategy based on odds, then I still like my approach better. I've had a lot of GFs in my life, only 1 that I can think of that was close to a dud in bed... the rest were all great. But the problem was... that just because we were compatible in the sack... didn't mean we were compatible for more than that.
And unfortunately (in my case) I'd stay in a relationship much longer than I wanted to -- just because the sex was good, when I'd rather move on to find the right person. I'm realizing now that I want a different approach.
So for me (and I think a few others that have responded) it is a way of avoiding a complication that can make it more challenging to really decide whether or not the other person is compatible.
Appreciate the feedback. Both of you. Just so I can put it in perspective, if you don't mind, are you the types that will date multiple guys, overlapping, and kiss them all?
This might be an important fact that I left out of my question. I just can't date 2 women at the same time, where kissing (or more) is involved, and feel good about it. I've tried it -- it just isn't me. But I do feel its okay to have multiple female friends, that I'm getting to know over the course of a month or so. I can do this without feeling like I'm doing anything wrong. I realize everybody is different, and some people have no issue with non-managmous dating when its physical... so I'm not judging... just saying it isn't my style, and I wonder if people that are okay with this style of dating have different viewpoints on my question than people that are not okay with this style of dating
You are like me, Five. Getting to know someone first is what I'd prefer before any physical stuff is done, though a kiss and hugs are ok. Sex..NO. I like that you date one person at a time also. I do that too. If im interested enough in the first one that I want to get to know him better, I dont really want to involve anyone else until I know where things stand with him. No need to muddy the waters. Nice to see a man think like you do. A lot are pissed if a woman wont sleep with them on the 3rd date or something.
Im not a woman over 35, im a guy in his thrirties, but in my opinion the age doesnt matter much in this equation. I think that a guy should always be clear as to his intentions from the moment he meets a woman he is interested in. Otherwise I can see all types of awkwardness if you do become quite attracted to each other, yet youre still forcing the friend role. WHat if you find yourself in a friend zone forever, and then get rejected because of this strategy? I realize that mature women will deal with this situation differently than an 18 year old, but its not something i would advise. Of course it doesnt mean you have to drag her to your bed on the first date. Waiting to be physical is probably smart, as long as it doesnt shift the balance of power within the relationship.
You are like me, Five. Getting to know someone first is what I'd prefer before any physical stuff is done, though a kiss and hugs are ok. Sex..NO. I like that you date one person at a time also. I do that too. If im interested enough in the first one that I want to get to know him better, I dont really want to involve anyone else until I know where things stand with him. No need to muddy the waters. Nice to see a man think like you do. A lot are pissed if a woman wont sleep with them on the 3rd date or something.
Thanks for the feedback. I guess I should be clear though that for me it might mean waiting beyond the 3rd date, could be 5th... and so until I'm kissing anyone, I feel free to do this with multiple women, since we are only friends.
I do think this approach has cost me with one or two women, but mainly with those that I was uncertain about anyway -- due to them being 10+ years younger than me. No approach is perfect.
Thanks for the feedback. I guess I should be clear though that for me it might mean waiting beyond the 3rd date, could be 5th... and so until I'm kissing anyone
This sounds so refreshing, compared to everyone who just looks at women like basketballs, something to use in order to "score" as many points as quickly as possible! Why count dates? Why not relax and enjoy the process of getting acquainted and meeting new people?
Otherwise I can see all types of awkwardness if you do become quite attracted to each other, yet youre still forcing the friend role.
If I sensed a lot of mutual attraction, then I'd bring it up or take it to the next level.
My question is more in the early phase... how many women over 35, "expect" to be kissed by the 2nd or 3rd date to avoid concluding the guy doesn't like them?
The general sense I'm getting from most people, is that more communication is better, and I think that is a good theme.
I just have to balance that approach, on outings where it isn't really clearly a date (tennis, climbing, a hike, happy hour after work, etc).
As I've said before, a kiss isn't a free token, like an after-dinner mint. It's an intimate expression of affection. Please keep your mouth and tongue to yourself until an appropriate level of mutual affection has been established.
In my world, the first few dates I went on with any given guy, regardless of chemistry, were handled as friend dates. There was never any discussion about it. Seems normal and sensible, to me.
I started hanging out with this nice guy, just as a friend, and to be nice. He would take me out and he paid for dinners, drinks....I would invite him over for dinner, sometimes i paid for dinner or drinks...we hung out for several months...I never thought it was dating...duh...then he kissed me. And I had to think about this..it took a month of me, then "dating" him to reorganize what this relationship really was...
So...don't expect that because you have decided after a month or so of being "friends" that then you want to change it all...she will be right in step....
Just so I can put it in perspective, if you don't mind, are you the types that will date multiple guys, overlapping, and kiss them all?
No. What would it matter if I dated 5 at once? Sounds like you're trying to put a "loose" label on someone who doesn't agree with you.
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