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Old 06-29-2012, 03:11 PM
 
Location: Seattle
45 posts, read 21,309 times
Reputation: 35
Default Question to women over 35 about "friends first" dating

This question is mainly to women over 35, as that is the age range of women I've dated most recently (most in fact late 30s and over 40).

So after many relationships in my life, I've decided to change the way I date, and that is to try and keep the dates fairly platonic for the first few outings... one to fish-ish, before becoming romantic, so that I can make a serious effort to discover if I think I'm honestly compatible with the women.

This is because, for me, I find that it affects my judgement too much if I get physical with a women too quickly, and I'll wind up in a series of 1-4 month "mini" relationships, that would have never started in the first place, if I'd just gotten to know the person better to begin with.

My question is: will women take this as a sign that I'm just not into them, and move on? And if so, would it help at all if I was just up front about my approach at the outset, so there isn't any confusion? The main reason I'm not just up front, in the beginning, is that often when I'm getting together with a women, we haven't even defined it as a date... just two people grabbing a couple of happy hour drinks, or going on a hike together, etc. By having to let them know my style up front, seems like I'd be adding unneeded pressure to the situation that doesn't need to be there.

Anyway, thoughts?

BTW - The reason this is on my mind currently, is that I've been doing this with a women recently, and just found out that she is friends with a women I did this with last summer... and she asked me after she found out that I know her friend "did you two date"... to which I responded "it was just platonic dating"... and she asked... "did you kiss?", and I told her honestly "no"... but she seems to have cooled on me just a bit after this (and no, I haven't kissed this one either... I'm really just trying to be friends first).
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Old 06-29-2012, 05:31 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
10,656 posts, read 8,085,242 times
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I'm well over 35, and I have a couple of questions.

When you say "Friends first," are you already friends with these "dates," or have you just met them?

It seems to me that your plan makes sense if you aren't even already friends and still trying to get to know each other. If you have been friends for a while and feel a romantic spark, that would be the time to kiss because you are naturally crossing into a more intimate level and (hopefully) you've known each other for a while already.

It's hard to tell if announcing your plan up front would be OK or if it would throw the process into a really weird zone. It worked fairly well in "40-Year-Old Virgin," with some hijinks along the way, of course.
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Old 06-29-2012, 05:38 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
7,357 posts, read 7,781,048 times
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I think letting them know up front would be better b/c I find myself in the same zone with some men and some of it just plain confuses me. I'm not sure if he's interested or just wants a friend and some of them I would like to date later, and others I would rather not date but would be happy to be friends and keep it platonic forever. Yet, I like this style and for all the same reasons you mentioned but I just want to know if it's appropriate to flirt with some of my friends. You're smart--getting to know someone first is a great way to weed out the crazies!
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Old 06-29-2012, 06:15 PM
 
5,554 posts, read 2,828,355 times
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I'm 36. I think this is a good plan, but I think you should just let them know in advance. Dating is confusing enough without getting mixed signals. And after all, the woman you're dating is someone you're considering becoming one half of a couple with - she should maybe be able to offer her input.
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Old 06-29-2012, 06:39 PM
 
Location: Seattle
45 posts, read 21,309 times
Reputation: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
I'm well over 35, and I have a couple of questions.

When you say "Friends first," are you already friends with these "dates," or have you just met them?

It seems to me that your plan makes sense if you aren't even already friends and still trying to get to know each other. If you have been friends for a while and feel a romantic spark, that would be the time to kiss because you are naturally crossing into a more intimate level and (hopefully) you've known each other for a while already.

It's hard to tell if announcing your plan up front would be OK or if it would throw the process into a really weird zone. It worked fairly well in "40-Year-Old Virgin," with some hijinks along the way, of course.
Good question. One I met online (I wrote this really long post on CL personals and she responded to it with an equally long response -- which I really liked (this was last summer)). It turned out we worked at the same corporation (but not in the same area). We hung out a few times, phone calls, hike, dinner, 4th of July at her place (she had a view) that kind of thing, but always just platonic. I think after a while neither of us was super interested in the other as more than friends (I wasn't anyway) and we just faded apart (her life got super busy for a specific reason that I don't want to get into here), but we never talked about it and I later thought I should have, to at least be clear and civil. We still chatted from time in IM but that faded in time too.

The most recent one, I met at an after work happy hour, and never asked her out until it turned out that we were both traveling to the same country for our respective vacations so we got together after we both did our trips, to compare notes. I was just thinking coffee but she suggested happy hour. That became another happy hour and then dinner, but again I kept things platonic. She hugged me after the last 2 but that doesn't mean anything. We text a few times a week, but it's pretty clear to me now that she really wants a relationship -- but with a guy that is more religious than I am -- so that is a stumbling block. Then I found out that she knows the women I "dated" the prior summer and that seemed to complicate things a bit as well... lol. The more I think about this 2nd situation, the more I think it won't go anywhere, so my question is more about my approach with future women.

So... the first situation, we met through a dating site so it was implied that we were getting to know each other as prospective dating partners. The second is a bit fuzzier -- she is super social so I just treated our outings as 2 people getting to know each other, we never called them dates.

So anyway, if I'm already friends with women, then it's different and easier to navigate I believe. So I guess my question is more around somebody I might meet online, at work (though I don't really date coworkers so I expect this to be very rare), in a class, sports league, etc.
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Old 06-29-2012, 06:43 PM
 
Location: Seattle
45 posts, read 21,309 times
Reputation: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
I'm 36. I think this is a good plan, but I think you should just let them know in advance. Dating is confusing enough without getting mixed signals. And after all, the woman you're dating is someone you're considering becoming one half of a couple with - she should maybe be able to offer her input.
Thanks for the input
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Old 06-29-2012, 06:44 PM
 
Location: Seattle
45 posts, read 21,309 times
Reputation: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
I think letting them know up front would be better b/c I find myself in the same zone with some men and some of it just plain confuses me. I'm not sure if he's interested or just wants a friend and some of them I would like to date later, and others I would rather not date but would be happy to be friends and keep it platonic forever. Yet, I like this style and for all the same reasons you mentioned but I just want to know if it's appropriate to flirt with some of my friends. You're smart--getting to know someone first is a great way to weed out the crazies!
Good answer, thanks
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Old 06-29-2012, 07:14 PM
 
3,633 posts, read 10,539,681 times
Reputation: 1174
I'm 37 and if I'm single again I HOPE to be friends first before anything more. I tend to JUMP into relationship after relationship with the wrong guys and then STAY in that relationship for years. Totally wrong way of doing it. So, it's a great idea. Just tell them your reasons of friends first and go from there.
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Old 06-29-2012, 07:19 PM
 
Location: State of Relaxation
28,625 posts, read 14,353,291 times
Reputation: 19481
Quote:
Originally Posted by Five Lions View Post
This question is mainly to women over 35, as that is the age range of women I've dated most recently (most in fact late 30s and over 40).

So after many relationships in my life, I've decided to change the way I date, and that is to try and keep the dates fairly platonic for the first few outings... one to fish-ish, before becoming romantic, so that I can make a serious effort to discover if I think I'm honestly compatible with the women.

This is because, for me, I find that it affects my judgement too much if I get physical with a women too quickly,
No kidding! Duh!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Five Lions View Post
and I'll wind up in a series of 1-4 month "mini" relationships, that would have never started in the first place, if I'd just gotten to know the person better to begin with.

My question is: will women take this as a sign that I'm just not into them, and move on? And if so, would it help at all if I was just up front about my approach at the outset, so there isn't any confusion? The main reason I'm not just up front, in the beginning, is that often when I'm getting together with a women, we haven't even defined it as a date... just two people grabbing a couple of happy hour drinks, or going on a hike together, etc. By having to let them know my style up front, seems like I'd be adding unneeded pressure to the situation that doesn't need to be there.

BTW - The reason this is on my mind currently, is that I've been doing this with a women recently, and just found out that she is friends with a women I did this with last summer... and she asked me after she found out that I know her friend "did you two date"... to which I responded "it was just platonic dating"... and she asked... "did you kiss?", and I told her honestly "no"... but she seems to have cooled on me just a bit after this (and no, I haven't kissed this one either... I'm really just trying to be friends first).
Women will not think you're not into them if you don't jump on them in the first few dates. Many women will be relieved. This is what they've been expecting since High School or college, but haven't been able to find. They'll think you're a class act.
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Old 06-29-2012, 10:37 PM
 
Location: Seattle
45 posts, read 21,309 times
Reputation: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by sablebaby View Post
I'm 37 and if I'm single again I HOPE to be friends first before anything more. I tend to JUMP into relationship after relationship with the wrong guys and then STAY in that relationship for years. Totally wrong way of doing it. So, it's a great idea. Just tell them your reasons of friends first and go from there.
Thanks

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
No kidding! Duh! Women will not think you're not into them if you don't jump on them in the first few dates. Many women will be relieved. This is what they've been expecting since High School or college, but haven't been able to find. They'll think you're a class act.
And Thanks
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