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In other words, dear able-bodied people: we are just like you!
That is simply not true. I get what you are trying to say, but as someone in a committed relationship with a totally blind woman it does at times get my goat when after countless acts of caregiving and support etc. and the completion of tasks beyond her ability, etc. etc. to also have to face the usual gauntlet of hen pecking over the usual male inadequacies. And basically be told "I don't really need your help". Really? Hmmmmm. If the able bodied world was to abruptly turn on disabled people everywhere and refuse modifications, assistive technologies, and/or personal support you would at once realize the irony of your statement. A persons emotional state is far more relevant to their sexuality than any amount of disability. I get that. Life is about much more than sex. In the everyday things, a physical disability can be quite profound depending on its severity.
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Originally Posted by anotherchance
About this... most people in wheelchairs don't want to meet someone who is attracted to them because they are in a wheelchair (this is a fetish and more common in males). They want to meet someone who sees past the wheelchair, and it's difficult, but actually, you can meet them anyplace. Dating sites people with disabilities can be good if you want to date other people with disabilties. I personally don't want to date people with a physical disability the same or similar to mine. That is just my preference. Don't know how OP feels about that.
It isn't a complete accident that I am with a blind woman. My own vision is far, far below the 20/20 standard. I am much closer to being legally blind than fully sighted. By far the bulk of my dating life has been with able bodied women. Being on the disability websites exposed my profile to the entire spectrum of human disability out there. I had correspondences and telephone conversations with many more wheelchair users than with people with vision or hearing impairments. Someone with a mobility impairment that for whatever reason wants to date able bodied people or people with only vision or hearing impairments will have a much, much harder time of it than otherwise. A black man dating white women will encounter far more adventure seeking or rebellious adult children acting out than truly color blind individuals. That's simply the reality of things. It was a surprise to find that many white blind women would date every single race of man except black men and they were very clear about that single exception. And there are, of course, blind women who only want to date sighted guys. Fetishism works both ways. Can you be certain that your desire not to be limited to dating people with your specific disability is pure and not a manifestation of self hatred or worse... fetishism? I stopped worrying about the answers to such imponderables. I simply take each dating opportunity as it comes. Whoever she is she gets a chance. The last time I was a free agent was about seven years ago. According to the statistics times up for this iteration. But maybe not...
Has anyone here ever dated a guy in a wheelchair? I'm 27 years old and fairly good looking. I do however have a hard time approaching women. Fear of rejection. Any ideas?
We turn people down for the same reason everyone else does...cause we're not interested.
Exactly!
I know maybe people believe people with disabilities (particularly those in wheelchairs) do not believe we can have sex. Some believe we are not even interested. I have also run across some who think a person who uses a wheelchair will take anyone who comes along because they are desperate. I actually had someone say to me that he thought "disabled people could only have sex with other disabled people" and that they would "take anyone" as long as they were "clean." He followed this up with an offer of sex.
I use a wheelchair and I have a son. Some people have assumed that I got him from artificial insemination.
That is simply not true. I get what you are trying to say, but as someone in a committed relationship with a totally blind woman it does at times get my goat when after countless acts of caregiving and support etc. and the completion of tasks beyond her ability, etc. etc. to also have to face the usual gauntlet of hen pecking over the usual male inadequacies. And basically be told "I don't really need your help". Really? Hmmmmm. If the able bodied world was to abruptly turn on disabled people everywhere and refuse modifications, assistive technologies, and/or personal support you would at once realize the irony of your statement. A persons emotional state is far more relevant to their sexuality than any amount of disability. I get that. Life is about much more than sex. In the everyday things, a physical disability can be quite profound depending on its severity.
I don't deny I need assistance and accommodations. I use braille for my school readings. I have tactile interpreters (the classes are in sign language). These people get paid for assisting me. I'm going into a field where I'll be assisting Deaf people. And thank God I won't resent it the way you seem to resent needing to help your wife. Sounds like marrying a disabled person wasn't right for you.
Most of the time I don't need help, and most people completely overestimate how much help I do need. Is she maybe telling you she doesn't need your help cause you overestimate the level of care she needs? Are you feeling burned out because you're helping her more than you need to be anyway? I have no idea how independent or dependent she is, but are you two clear on what she needs help with? I have seen blind-sighted couples where the sighted person completely babied the blind person and it was totally unhealthy. I'd sooner die than have a relationship like that.
In any case, doesn't everyone need help in some ways? Whether it's in literal ways or more subtle emotional ways, we all need to support each other in one way or another. Not to mention, I don't really see how the fact I use assistive technology means I require other people's help. My phone talks and I use braille for my computer...the point being so I can use them independently. No one is helping me type this. The purpose of assistive technology is precisely so that a disabled person doesn't need an able-bodied person's assistance.
You post comes across as angry. The fact that your wife needs help and the fact that she doesn't find every man perfect are related how exactly? Sounds like you're conflating two issues. I don't find every woman I come across attractive, and it has nothing to do with being blind or needing help. Sighted people and able-bodied people aren't expected to find every potential mate attractive, so why should blind people?
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It isn't a complete accident that I am with a blind woman. My own vision is far, far below the 20/20 standard. I am much closer to being legally blind than fully sighted. By far the bulk of my dating life has been with able bodied women. Being on the disability websites exposed my profile to the entire spectrum of human disability out there. I had correspondences and telephone conversations with many more wheelchair users than with people with vision or hearing impairments. Someone with a mobility impairment that for whatever reason wants to date able bodied people or people with only vision or hearing impairments will have a much, much harder time of it than otherwise. A black man dating white women will encounter far more adventure seeking or rebellious adult children acting out than truly color blind individuals. That's simply the reality of things. It was a surprise to find that many white blind women would date every single race of man except black men and they were very clear about that single exception. And there are, of course, blind women who only want to date sighted guys. Fetishism works both ways. Can you be certain that your desire not to be limited to dating people with your specific disability is pure and not a manifestation of self hatred or worse... fetishism? I stopped worrying about the answers to such imponderables. I simply take each dating opportunity as it comes. Whoever she is she gets a chance. The last time I was a free agent was about seven years ago. According to the statistics times up for this iteration. But maybe not...
H
Anyway, I can't speak for all white blind women but as a blind white woman, I have dated women of all races. I really don't care what their race is (and yes, I can tell, most of the time). I don't care if the person I'm dating is sighted or blind. I've dated sighted women, I'm seeing a blind woman now, it's just a new dynamic. It just is what it is.
I know a lot of wheelchair users in person, ranging from people with weak muscles to people who are completely quad with a ventilator. My two closest friends are both in wheelchairs and deaf (one of them is also low vision, and the other is an ex girlfriend as well). We hang out all the time and I don't feel any kind of "burden" in being with them, and don't see why anyone would want to hang out with someone if they feel burdened. Most of the people at my school are deaf and do not consider themselves disabled. I consider the definition of "disabled" to be situational. If you're blind and the menu in front of you is in print, you're disabled. If you're blind and the book in front of you is in braille, then you're not disabled. If you're deaf and everyone is talking without consistently facing you, you're disabled. If you are part of a sign language community, then being deaf isn't a disability.
Honestly I can't answer why I meet the people I do and why I fall for the people I do, but can anyone? It's something that just happens, and it's something that no one--including disabled people--should have to justify. I know that I only tend to fall for people I already know, and generally I make friends by people either coming up to me or being introduced to me. And of those people, I've found some of them attractive enough that I wanted to pursue a relationship and so did. Isn't that what a lot of people do? How is it any different if I'm doing that, but just happen to be blind? It would be hard to date exclusively blind people because I don't know very many people who are blind, and in my age range. And why does dating outside your ability/disability make you self-hating? Does that make me self-hating as a white person cause I've dated a Black woman before? I accept my blindness and don't need to try to define my identity and sense of self through who I date. I date people for who they are, not because they happen to have or not have my disability.
Last edited by nimchimpsky; 07-31-2012 at 08:11 PM..
I know maybe people believe people with disabilities (particularly those in wheelchairs) do not believe we can have sex. Some believe we are not even interested. I have also run across some who think a person who uses a wheelchair will take anyone who comes along because they are desperate. I actually had someone say to me that he thought "disabled people could only have sex with other disabled people" and that they would "take anyone" as long as they were "clean." He followed this up with an offer of sex.
I use a wheelchair and I have a son. Some people have assumed that I got him from artificial insemination.
I have a disability, wheelchair bound and yes, it is hard dating because you dont know why they are dealing with you. People an be harsh when they meet someone with a disabilty because they want to use them. I also have MD, and i havent had any real blessings in dating. I guess people fail to realize that we are real people with feeling too.
To me, it's not worth the potential rejection. I don't mind being rejected for my looks, or my education or my hobbies...but to be rejected on a completely treatable medical condition? It sucks. To have it happen a lot? Sucks more. To have a guy get up and leave in the middle of being 'intimate' because he's 'grossed out by my surgery scars'? That sucks even worse. To then have that guy spread untrue rumors about your disorder? Way worse.
I can definitely see that happening. I have a genetic disorder and have to receive regular meds through an IV and I have a very difficult time telling people about it. Every time I'm interested in a man, I just think about telling him about it and I just don't want to deal with the heartbreak of him disappearing after he finds out. It's happened before and I'd rather just not deal with it.
Not that you need my approval but I applaud you for being so open minded about who you date. I have my preferences, but am open minded in this way. I asked out a woman who lost four of her toes due to being diabetic. We dated but she was more interested in a taller fella and let me know she was more interested in him. She ended up dealing with him and he cheated on her four times. She came back to me after and I politely declined.
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being disabled is hard
