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I'm young. I have around 8 years before I'll take the plunge, assuming I can last that long. It's not looking good though, I'll say that much.
However, I've noticed people my age and older seem to have a very different view on what marriage is. So, I want to express that sentiment. Feel free to throw it back in my face.
Firstly, getting married before you know who you are, what you want to do, how you plan to do it, and what that means for you is just an awful thing to do. Both for yourself, and for her. Jumping into a commitment that will affect you for the rest of your life isn't something you take lightly. In short, marriage isn't a life sentence, it's a death sentence. When you get married, you are walking towards your death, as she is, but you are doing it with her by your side. That's a fact you need to accept and make peace with. If you do not realize this, you shouldn't be getting married.
Secondly, the purpose of a wife isn't for your enjoyment. It's almost the exact opposite. She isn't supposed to be nice. She's supposed to challenge you. It's for your own good, and her own good, and other good as well. She pushes you to do better, always, because she wants you to be the best that you can be. It comes from a good place, but it can manifest itself as an ugly thing at times. Stop looking for the nice girl in other words.
While for men our first priority tends to be women, for women, the first priority will always be her kids (whether they exist or not). As soon as you get married and have a kid, you are number three in her mind. While previously you might have been number one (at the best of times, at least), you drop two places, even more at times. It goes her, the kid, then you. Always. Don't expect to always be her only love or even her first love. As soon as the kids come along, she doesn't care about you anymore. Not to the extent that she did, at least. Also, do not buy the line that "she doesn't want kids"...it's more an expression of doubt in her capability to mother, firstly, and secondly, the women who say that are thinking about kids. Thinking leads to action.
If you're young and single, it's basically your time right now. You own all the time in the world. It's yours to do with what you wish. However, as soon as marriage happens, all the time is hers. She owns the time, you become a slave to it. Make sure isn't a dictator.
Conversely, right now she owns the path. She chooses where she wants to be. Her path is walked by herself, and she puts herself where she wants to be, depending on what she wants. But, when it comes to marriage, you own the path (for the most part). Be aware of where your path is headed. Or rather, be aware of where your path wants to go, and make the appropriate adjustments.
Menopause is an absolute heck of a time. It's the end of her biological life, and women are socially trained to more or less define themselves on such a basis. Understand that there will be a period of 5-10 years where you will hate her very existence. She will be liable to do almost anything. Your job is to get through that. It's not about you, it's about her. Keep that in mind when she starts arguing with illogic, yelling at you for the smallest things, hitting you because you made a stupid joke etc etc. It's like her final menstruation cycle and she goes out with a huge bang. You think her periods are tough now? It's nothing compared to what she'll do to you in 20-30 years. Seriously, even breathing in a certain way can set her off. And once it's set off, just ride it out. Don't even attempt to argue back. The secret is to make your points, make them seemingly valid, and concede them as soon as she spots a flaw. Also, if you get the urge to just get away, resist it. It isn't productive. She needs you a lot during that time.
Expect a huge dip in the "happiness" of your life/relationship. The first year of meeting her, that'll be fun. You'll be the king of the world. The first year you get married, that'll be fun as well. Nothing else will matter, you'll be in bliss. After that, your life will be a horrible tragedy for the next 20-30 years, steadily increasing until you'll hit a low point. If you get over that hump though, life will be good after that.
Finally, just make sure she will be a good mother. That's all it is, the rest doesn't matter. If she'll take care of her kids in the ways you think are appropriate, you should marry her.
I'm young. I have around 8 years before I'll take the plunge, assuming I can last that long. It's not looking good though, I'll say that much.
However, I've noticed people my age and older seem to have a very different view on what marriage is. So, I want to express that sentiment. Feel free to throw it back in my face.
Firstly, getting married before you know who you are, what you want to do, how you plan to do it, and what that means for you is just an awful thing to do. Both for yourself, and for her. Jumping into a commitment that will affect you for the rest of your life isn't something you take lightly. In short, marriage isn't a life sentence, it's a death sentence. When you get married, you are walking towards your death, as she is, but you are doing it with her by your side. That's a fact you need to accept and make peace with. If you do not realize this, you shouldn't be getting married.
Secondly, the purpose of a wife isn't for your enjoyment. It's almost the exact opposite. She isn't supposed to be nice. She's supposed to challenge you. It's for your own good, and her own good, and other good as well. She pushes you to do better, always, because she wants you to be the best that you can be. It comes from a good place, but it can manifest itself as an ugly thing at times. Stop looking for the nice girl in other words.
While for men our first priority tends to be women, for women, the first priority will always be her kids (whether they exist or not). As soon as you get married and have a kid, you are number three in her mind. While previously you might have been number one (at the best of times, at least), you drop two places, even more at times. It goes her, the kid, then you. Always. Don't expect to always be her only love or even her first love. As soon as the kids come along, she doesn't care about you anymore. Not to the extent that she did, at least. Also, do not buy the line that "she doesn't want kids"...it's more an expression of doubt in her capability to mother, firstly, and secondly, the women who say that are thinking about kids. Thinking leads to action.
If you're young and single, it's basically your time right now. You own all the time in the world. It's yours to do with what you wish. However, as soon as marriage happens, all the time is hers. She owns the time, you become a slave to it. Make sure isn't a dictator.
Conversely, right now she owns the path. She chooses where she wants to be. Her path is walked by herself, and she puts herself where she wants to be, depending on what she wants. But, when it comes to marriage, you own the path (for the most part). Be aware of where your path is headed. Or rather, be aware of where your path wants to go, and make the appropriate adjustments.
Menopause is an absolute heck of a time. It's the end of her biological life, and women are socially trained to more or less define themselves on such a basis. Understand that there will be a period of 5-10 years where you will hate her very existence. She will be liable to do almost anything. Your job is to get through that. It's not about you, it's about her. Keep that in mind when she starts arguing with illogic, yelling at you for the smallest things, hitting you because you made a stupid joke etc etc. It's like her final menstruation cycle and she goes out with a huge bang. You think her periods are tough now? It's nothing compared to what she'll do to you in 20-30 years. Seriously, even breathing in a certain way can set her off. And once it's set off, just ride it out. Don't even attempt to argue back. The secret is to make your points, make them seemingly valid, and concede them as soon as she spots a flaw. Also, if you get the urge to leave just get away, resist it. It isn't productive. She needs you a lot during that time.
Expect a huge dip in the "happiness" of your life/relationship. The first year of meeting her, that'll be fun. You'll be the king of the world. The first year you get married, that'll be fun as well. Nothing else will matter, you'll be in bliss. After that, your life will be a horrible tragedy for the next 20-30 years, steadily increasing until you'll hit a low point. If you get over that hump though, life will be good after that.
Finally, just make sure she will be a good mother. That's all it is, the rest doesn't matter. If she'll take care of her kids in the ways you think are appropriate, you should marry her.
Critique is welcome.
So much potential, yet so much BS
Any man who feels his life will be a "horrible tragedy for 20-30 years" just because he is married should NEVER get married in the first place, and certainly not stay married if that in fact were to happen.
And I'm LOLOLOLOLOL -at menopause being the "end of her biological life".
DUDE, it's not the end of her life or even her sex life, just the end of her ability to have babies - for many, that's when life begins
While for men our first priority tends to be women, for women, the first priority will always be her kids (whether they exist or not).
Not sure what this means, "whether they exist or not." I have been married many years and thank God never had kids. So my first priority has ALWAYS been my husband. Even if I had been burdened with kids, I am sure my husband would still have been my #1 priority. The generalization here borders on the ludicrous. Many men put their kids first and their wives second. Many women put their husbands first and their kids dead last.
This next bit is absurd:
Quote:
The first year you get married, that'll be fun as well. Nothing else will matter, you'll be in bliss. After that, your life will be a horrible tragedy for the next 20-30 years, steadily increasing until you'll hit a low point.
And how would you know this? You've never been married or in a long-term relationship lasting as long as the ones you mention above. I pity you if the only married people you've been around are living a "horrible tragedy." Most people in this situation bail out of marriage very early. Those who have been together for a long time generally (though not always!) are happy.
My suggestion for you: don't ever get married. If you're looking just for a "good mother" then stick by your mom. Talk about settling.. sheesh. Marriage is a fun adventure, especially if you don't have kids. I know, I've lived it.
Good lord. Just because you're a man doesn't mean your kids aren't your priority. If you truly believe this, then PLEASE never have children. If you are a parent, your child should be your priority. Their welfare, their best interests - not your spouse's. You are RESPONSIBLE for your child's welfare because they cannot fend for themselves - they NEED YOU. Meanwhile, you and your spouse CHOSE each other as fully developed adults.
This is not to say you should be some sort of helicopter parent, but your first priority is making sure your children have what they need to thrive. They come first.
Any man who feels his life will be a "horrible tragedy for 20-30 years" just because he is married should NEVER get married in the first place, and certainly not stay married if that in fact were to happen.
I guess this depends on what you expect from life. If I had my way, I'd be sitting on a beach doing absolutely nothing all day.
But, since I want a family, and I need a way of supporting this family, I'm pretty much condemned to be a working man for the next 20-30 years of my life. It is a tragedy...but you can't really have your cake and eat it to.
Overall I would say that it is good that you feel this way now and not after you are married. I think you may be a bit jaded. One thing that I think is worth offering some critique is the concept of children, and the relationship between spouses when children are in the mix.
Before my wife and I were married, we had this discussion once, and I think more married couples need to take this approach before they have kids. My wife told me, that it is important to her that we love each other more than we love our kids. It may sound bad, but it really makes a lot of sense. The kids grow up and leave eventually. Then what are you left with? It's worth a thought. Remember it when you do get serious about marriage. It might be a good idea to bring it up to your fiance.
I guess this depends on what you expect from life. If I had my way, I'd be sitting on a beach doing absolutely nothing all day.
But, since I want a family, and I need a way of supporting this family, I'm pretty much condemned to be a working man for the next 20-30 years of my life. It is a tragedy...but you can't really have your cake and eat it to.
So, while it's tragic, I do it willingly.
I'm confused...
You said this about marriage
"The first year you get married, that'll be fun as well. Nothing else will matter, you'll be in bliss. After that, your life will be a horrible tragedy for the next 20-30 years, steadily increasing until you'll hit a low point."
Why are you now saying WORKING for a family is the "horrible tragedy"??
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