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Old 10-03-2007, 09:23 PM
 
Location: in drifts of snow wherever you go
2,522 posts, read 399,444 times
Reputation: 692

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Quote:
Originally Posted by wonderingsoul View Post
I am going to sound like a total gold digger, but bear with me. I marriage at age 24 to a man 18 years my senior. While we were dating money was no object to him. Now we have been married seven years and have two kids and he's become a complete control freak with money. The furniture in our house is all left over from his previous marriage and falling apart. We have never been on a real vacation. Everytime I bring this up I get the "we don't have any money" argument, or "I don't want to be in debt." But I earn over 50K in my own job (he earns about 100K), so I don't see how we can be so damn poor. He does all our finances and I basically hand over my pay check to him. I resent having to ask if I can spend money on something and then justify whether I really need it. I feel like every little thing I buy is monitored and I have to put up with lectures about money constantly. It seems like I never escape critisism for whatever I buy. There's no real way to avoid the "money" talk (like I'm a kid), and that in turn leads to me lying about what I've bought. I've now started to go on spending sprees like some kind of addict. Like when you try to quit chocolate and then go on a binge after a couple of weeks. I want to have a healthy marriage, but it seems like we are constantly struggling with this. Does anyone else have this problem in their marriage? How did you solve it?
You're exactly right. He is treating you like a child. But you are also playing that role by going on these crazy spending sprees behind his back. I dated a man who was much older than me too. In the beginning he was like a father, and I liked that idea. But then it evolved to where he would talk to me like a child, yelling at me, bullying me. We never had a conversation. It was just these loopy arguments where I was always to blame. Eventually the relationship ended, because he was too emotionally abusive.

Greenie
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Old 10-03-2007, 11:34 PM
 
1,352 posts, read 3,229,002 times
Reputation: 552
Quote:
Originally Posted by wonderingsoul View Post
[color=black]I have a spending problem when it comes to clothes for me and the kids (or at least according to him). I usually spend about $200 every other month on new clothes and sometimes more like $400. In my mind I do this so we look good as a family,
It sounds like you do have access to the $$$, so if that's the case, why not use the cash, you would normally spend on clothes, to make new furniture purchases. Cut down on the clothing shopping where you can and create a savings for purposes of a family vacation.
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Old 10-03-2007, 11:49 PM
 
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
5,146 posts, read 10,183,395 times
Reputation: 5804
Parts of this sound very familiar, as I was in a similar marriage. He could argue me into the ground, and make me feel like I was the one going crazy. The reality was that he was nuts!

However, this situation is a little different. You two need to communicate, and not in an accusatory tone like, "You don't understand..." etc. etc. Why did you marry him in the first place? Safety and security, right? He's still providing both, but he may be angry at you for undermining those things. What are your shared goals? How soon do you both want to retire and travel the world together (or whatever)?

I think this can be worked out with a little patience and effort.
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Old 10-04-2007, 08:31 AM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,258 posts, read 5,750,469 times
Reputation: 1708
It does sound like he has concerns about your lack of control when spending. If I recall correctly, $100 a month atleast is what most people budget for clothing. However, this doesn't include people on budgets that involve impending retirement.

$400 isn't a reasonable amount to spend, but to spend it all on clothing, when kids grow so fast, is kind of silly. I agree with the previous poster, that if you want things like vacations and new furniture, you're going to have to budget YOURSELF.

All that said, it does still sound like he has some control issues. Counseling sounds like a good option, hopefully you can convince him to go. You may find out some things you didn't want to know, but most marriages are better for it in the end. You can also bring up his being "secretive".
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