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Old 10-02-2007, 03:27 AM
 
Location: Las Vegas
14,229 posts, read 29,906,896 times
Reputation: 27684

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Everyone who makes money needs to have some money of their own. To spend as they please. Next everyone needs to know the status of their own finances. What do you owe and pay per month and to whom. How much money is saved and invested as well. Is your name on all the accounts?

Gold digger? I think you are the opposite. I'd love to have a few dozen people just handing me their paychecks every week!

How can you plan for the future if you have no idea what you have?
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Old 10-02-2007, 08:39 AM
 
Location: Zebulon, NC
2,275 posts, read 6,288,336 times
Reputation: 3622
Sounds to me like he's the gold digger, not you.

He has no right to take your money from you. Don't give it to him. It's time for a major overhaul of your financial arrangements. If the two of you can't work it out satisfactorily on your own, then a counselor is probably in order.
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Old 10-02-2007, 09:11 AM
 
Location: Chicago 'burbs'
1,022 posts, read 3,361,723 times
Reputation: 763
Everyone here is saying pretty much the same thing.
1. Find out where all the money has been going. Hopefull it is just being saved, but you need to know.

2. GET YOUR OWN ACCOUNT!!! Pick a few bills you are responsible for and BE responsible about paying them.

3. IF you find he hasn't been honest about where all the money was going. DON'T spend your money. You better start saving so you have a nice amount to fall back on if you need to.
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Old 10-02-2007, 10:23 AM
 
Location: Kentucky Bluegrass
28,840 posts, read 30,076,387 times
Reputation: 19016
Quote:
Originally Posted by wonderingsoul View Post
I am going to sound like a total gold digger, but bear with me. I marriage at age 24 to a man 18 years my senior. While we were dating money was no object to him. Now we have been married seven years and have two kids and he's become a complete control freak with money. The furniture in our house is all left over from his previous marriage and falling apart. We have never been on a real vacation. Everytime I bring this up I get the "we don't have any money" argument, or "I don't want to be in debt." But I earn over 50K in my own job (he earns about 100K), so I don't see how we can be so damn poor. He does all our finances and I basically hand over my pay check to him. I resent having to ask if I can spend money on something and then justify whether I really need it. I feel like every little thing I buy is monitored and I have to put up with lectures about money constantly. It seems like I never escape critisism for whatever I buy. There's no real way to avoid the "money" talk (like I'm a kid), and that in turn leads to me lying about what I've bought. I've now started to go on spending sprees like some kind of addict. Like when you try to quit chocolate and then go on a binge after a couple of weeks. I want to have a healthy marriage, but it seems like we are constantly struggling with this. Does anyone else have this problem in their marriage? How did you solve it?
Whew, I wouldn't like this in the least...nor would I put up with it...pretty harsh words for someone who is not in the situation...but, I'm older, and have less and less tollerance for control freaks. In my mind, this is a bully...
and so unfair...I was thinking this exact thing, while walking through my home with a handful of laundry one day...thinking, sheesh, I could be alone and have more perks/benefits

I'm wondering, where is all the money going? Do you know? And what is so bad about taking a vacation....? Or buying new furniture? Doesn't have to be all at once....not to mention, you can really find some great used stuff if you look and the fun of it, is doing it together.

Have you tried talking to him about this?

I'm sorry, this just ain't right.
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Old 10-02-2007, 01:11 PM
 
788 posts, read 2,106,115 times
Reputation: 598
At this point there seem to be larger issues than the money - it's the control. I would check the bank account without him knowing if he won't show you the funds. I'd also check the income tax returns....You need to find out what is going on and take some control back. You can't be angry if you let him control you - so do something about it.
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Old 10-02-2007, 03:34 PM
 
9 posts, read 29,940 times
Reputation: 12
Default Thanks everyone!

Wow, thanks for all your responses. Yes, as many of you picked up on, there are other issues in our marriage. Some of which are too personal to get into here, but certainly contributing factors are:

-His first wife took him for everything he was worth and he ended up having to start from scratch - iow, he's scared
-The way he was raised ("we have to save" mentality)
-Our age difference and general outlook on life (I'm a spender and a doer, he's a saver and a thinker)
-I have a spending problem when it comes to clothes for me and the kids (or at least according to him). I usually spend about $200 every other month on new clothes and sometimes more like $400. In my mind I do this so we look good as a family, I like to take care of myself and I think the way one presents ones self is important. My husband on the other hand thinks I spend out of boredom, to keep up with the Jones', low self-esteem, to get back at him. Is this a lot of money to spend?

He is a control freak in many respects. He thinks he is ALWAYS right. He never admits HE'S wrong. He is a great rhetorician; he can turn arguments inside out and make me out to be a total loon. I guess while we were dating and in the early years of our marriage I let him take the lead, but I have matured and grown over the years, especially since pushing out two kids and taking the dominant role in raising them. What I once viewed as "protective" or "romantic" I now see as patronizing and annoying. I'm sure many of you can relate to this. I grew up and I think he misses the girl he married (she's long gone).

Control of the money - My name is on our cars and properties and its all good with life insurance. We have sat down together and gone through all that. We have one joint checking and one savings account. All my paycheck goes into checking. I'm not sure if the savings account has my name on it. When we married I didn't have any savings and I was just added on to his bankcards, accounts, investments.

I do believe that we are often "cash poor" because he has a lot of investments and savings. He is nearing retirement and thinks about that more than I do. He's already had the nice house with the pool and four-car-garage with his first marriage, and now he's over all that or maybe he's just too damn tired and old to care about it. But I'm in my 30's and I'd like a new sofa and some good shoes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't think he's gambling nor having an affair as the first post suggested, but he does have secretive tendencies and he has lied to me in the past. Hmm..
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Old 10-02-2007, 04:24 PM
 
Location: Kentucky Bluegrass
28,840 posts, read 30,076,387 times
Reputation: 19016
well now, a different side...he doesn't sound as bad as he did before...

Did you have a problem with charge cards?

I don't know, the secrative side of him is not good, and the fact that he did lie, is also not good, it breaks trust and you wonder what else is going on...really causes a woman's mind to spin her wheels...but lieing is a no no.

The part about the money, well, you need to come to a better understanding.

I wouldn't spend 400.00 a month on clothes...but I'm older, and I don't really care what people think of my clothes....screw em....yanno. LOL

But you have two kids, so that is reasonable and understanding....especially with prices in this day and age. Have you thought about thrift shops...let me tell you, if you go every week, you can find label clothes that are like brand new...at really good buys. Try them, you've got nothing to loose...you could get a ton of really nice clothes for 400.00. People cringe at the thought, but I work in a corporate firm...and you wouldn't believe the women who shop at thrift shops, and they make 100,000 and more a year. There are consignment shops that are awesome. I mean it, you won't believe the quality of cloths...for the price.

Oh, and don't be a label buyer...remember, no matter how good you look on the outside, doesn't make up for what you own on the inside....you can't compensate. Your identity is what makes you shine, not your clothes.

As far as you husband having to win an argument at all costs is not good. Shows a controlling factor...which ties in with the checking account. And if you work, you should receive an allowance, for groceries, and spending money.

I believe both partners should anti in their paychecks, but one always over sees paying the bills. You should pay them together...and you have a right to know what is in your checking account.

You've had some very good advice here from the other posters...but your 2nd post gives a little bit more light on the issue.

Hugs
and good luck
Creme
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Old 10-02-2007, 05:31 PM
 
9 posts, read 29,940 times
Reputation: 12
Yes, thanks all for your advice. One can often lose perspective on these matters and it always helps to get a reality check. I think maybe it comes down to this; my husband and I have different values when it comes to money. We can either let it come between us or work towards a compromise. I think separate bank accounts would work well in some relationships but I don't like the idea of "mine" and "your" money in a marriage. FYI, I do like thrift stores and agree you can find lots of cool stuff. Trouble with me is I buy twice as much stuff for the same amount of money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 10-02-2007, 06:31 PM
 
Location: Kentucky Bluegrass
28,840 posts, read 30,076,387 times
Reputation: 19016
Quote:
Originally Posted by wonderingsoul View Post
Yes, thanks all for your advice. One can often lose perspective on these matters and it always helps to get a reality check. I think maybe it comes down to this; my husband and I have different values when it comes to money. We can either let it come between us or work towards a compromise. I think separate bank accounts would work well in some relationships but I don't like the idea of "mine" and "your" money in a marriage. FYI, I do like thrift stores and agree you can find lots of cool stuff. Trouble with me is I buy twice as much stuff for the same amount of money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wull cut that out!!!!!!

hehe
hugs creme
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Old 10-03-2007, 11:26 AM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,256 posts, read 8,877,942 times
Reputation: 1848
Sounds like time for you to talk, and he to listen. Tell him you are going to start taking control of your own money, and if he needs money, you have a right to know what it's paying for. Of course open a bank account beforehand. And if your check is automatically deposited, arrange to have it stopped and issued as a check. That way if your husband does need a portion to cover some bills, you have a choice while yo get everything arranged.

As far as how much money comes into the household, $150 grand isn't as much as it seems. Most people that live really high on that salary, do so mostly on credit. My husband makes $75+ and we only pay $800 rent, but still seem to cut it close every month. No car payments either. Problem is, bad credit. So the fancy cars and big houses can be deceiving.
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