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I wanted to add something for the record: I DO believe people can change. My cousin married a very volatile and selfish guy, but when their baby came, he had some choices to make. He made all the right ones, fortunately, and I'm terribly happy for them both. But you've had three kids with this guy, and he's still a work in progress. If he was gonna have a "come to Jesus" moment, he'd have had it.
It's surely worth a try. Some of you say "suck it up" I assume the counselor will say that too.
Good that it's worth a try. A counselor won't say "suck it up", not a good one, anyway. The purpose of counseling would be to help you sort through your feelings so that you'll get some clarity about why you feel the way you do, help you get a perspective over your feelings and the situation, so that you can then decide on your own whether it's worth staying or leaving, or what your options are. Right now you're confused (you don't know if it's ok to have your feelings). A counselor will help you work through the confusion. If you don't like the first one you find, go to another one. Maybe you had one in the past that worked out well. If so, try that one again.
A husband should care enough about his wife that he naturally wants to please her. There's supposed to be a mutual give-and-take. If that isn't there, it's not a good sign.
I wanted to add something for the record: I DO believe people can change. My cousin married a very volatile and selfish guy, but when their baby came, he had some choices to make. He made all the right ones, fortunately, and I'm terribly happy for them both. But you've had three kids with this guy, and he's still a work in progress. If he was gonna have a "come to Jesus" moment, he'd have had it.
this. you don't wait 3 kids in and then 'hope' for a change. be for real.
this. you don't wait 3 kids in and then 'hope' for a change. be for real.
i don't know, i think being so young that believing no one can change at their age is really not even realistic. i've known a couple guys who used to beat on their wives, and got counseling, and haven't laid a finger on their wives since and are doing fantastic. there are all sorts of people who have came up from the bottom. it could happen. its the way of humanity.
what is clear tho is that it isn't his addictions etc that are the problem anymore, its the confinement of the marriage and the boredom, and also, he doesn't sound very mature. just because a person was an addict once, and now isn't, doesn't mean he has a magic wand waved over him, of course. it just removes that one problem, leaving other problems in their wake.
from the addicts i have known, a common denominator seems to be a certain level of childishness, a kind of inability to do for one's self. curing that is just as tough as the addiction. people get used to being substandard, not showing up, sliding by. they get used to living for one thing and one thing only. its a mindset. if he is conquering that, that is a really good sign.
but that doesn't mean that you are in love with him. maybe you just aren't. maybe you guys hastened into something, and after 7 or 8 years it just isn't there.
as the daughter of divorced parents, i wish like hell my parents would have divorced sooner. a child HATES being in the middle of a battle, especially when those fighting are mom and dad. even if its one of those freeze out situations and not heavy yelling, they can feel it. this whole "staying together for the kids" stuff is a nice idea, but ignores the toxicity they are exposing those kids to. kids are not gorillas, just needing a warm body with a clock wrapped round it to feel secure.
i was in a marriage i hated for three years. you know when you don't want to be in it anymore, but i was young and everyone seemed to be so in love with the idea of me and my husband being together. i was so afraid of letting down our families that i dragged myself into the ground. happiness is important. i don't mean self indulgence, which many mistake as "happiness". i mean just being at peace with what you have. if you can't live in peace like that, start saving money and get a place of your own. you don't even have to divorce, just separate, and sort out your feelings. if your husband is the lasting kind, he will understand. sounds like you need some time away (and not with a boy toy either)
i don't know, i think being so young that believing no one can change at their age is really not even realistic. i've known a couple guys who used to beat on their wives, and got counseling, and haven't laid a finger on their wives since and are doing fantastic. there are all sorts of people who have came up from the bottom. it could happen. its the way of humanity.
what is clear tho is that it isn't his addictions etc that are the problem anymore, its the confinement of the marriage and the boredom, and also, he doesn't sound very mature. just because a person was an addict once, and now isn't, doesn't mean he has a magic wand waved over him, of course. it just removes that one problem, leaving other problems in their wake.
from the addicts i have known, a common denominator seems to be a certain level of childishness, a kind of inability to do for one's self. curing that is just as tough as the addiction. people get used to being substandard, not showing up, sliding by. they get used to living for one thing and one thing only. its a mindset. if he is conquering that, that is a really good sign.
but that doesn't mean that you are in love with him. maybe you just aren't. maybe you guys hastened into something, and after 7 or 8 years it just isn't there.
as the daughter of divorced parents, i wish like hell my parents would have divorced sooner. a child HATES being in the middle of a battle, especially when those fighting are mom and dad. even if its one of those freeze out situations and not heavy yelling, they can feel it. this whole "staying together for the kids" stuff is a nice idea, but ignores the toxicity they are exposing those kids to. kids are not gorillas, just needing a warm body with a clock wrapped round it to feel secure.
i was in a marriage i hated for three years. you know when you don't want to be in it anymore, but i was young and everyone seemed to be so in love with the idea of me and my husband being together. i was so afraid of letting down our families that i dragged myself into the ground. happiness is important. i don't mean self indulgence, which many mistake as "happiness". i mean just being at peace with what you have. if you can't live in peace like that, start saving money and get a place of your own. you don't even have to divorce, just separate, and sort out your feelings. if your husband is the lasting kind, he will understand. sounds like you need some time away (and not with a boy toy either)
more ridiculousness. that's the woman's buisness if she wants to stick around and try her luck in a situation like that, wouldn't be me. A lot of women get physically beaten and don't even admit to it, so if you see the situations as "fantastic nowadays," unless you live in their home, you don't really know what's what.... Just saying, you give people opportunity to take advantage of you, they will.
Realize that crushes are a normal part of life, like the weather. Don't feed it. There's nothing to be gained except trouble. Just remove the kid from your life.
You can grow beyond your resentments if you learn good communication skills and talk to your husband regularly.
Maybe you should attend a few Alanon meetings to learn how to cope with his addictive tendencies. They are free. Addiction doesn't go away. It just changes form when someone is in recovery. As his partner, you need to learn more about it.
I am pretty ashamed of my current situation and even of my feelings. I got married at 18 (8 years, 3 kids later). It has been rough. We have grown together but in certain ways we've grown apart. He has been unfaithful, mentally unstable, an addict in the past. I have been angry and cold. Now he is getting much healthier and doing very well. We work as a good team and are much better parents now. He's vert proud of his growth and he seems to think our relationship is awesome but I still have a lot of pain/resentment and I'm just not attracted to him as much. I have asked him to do certain things (concerning sex) but that blows up in an arguement and insecurity for days and I just feels so dishonest having to reassure him that he still turns me on.
I realize that I am very vulnerable to other men's attention. I feel like there is something wrong with me now though because I can stop thinking about a certain young man (he is only 18 ) he has no family in the US and he spent a lot of time with us. He now lives in another state but texts me often to let me know how he is. I have never let him know that I think about him but I sometimes imagine he might have a crush on me too. I know this is wrong and it probably just has to do with wanting to be young and single again, but I am only 26! I know I will get a mix of answers here but what is the right way to focus here? I don't want to split into two people.
You are still harboring a lot of resentment for your husbands "mis-deeds" of the past. It is wonderful that he has begun to get himself healthier; not an easy thing to do. You can't and shouldn't assume that his journey towards health is going to be completed in a matter of weeks, months or even in one year. He is going to take time to heal from the devastating effects that drugs and alcohol can have. The mistake you may be making now is that perhaps you haven't had any counseling? I do think that ALANON (sp?) or Narcotis anonymous for families is a good way for you to begin to understand what he is going through. Does he go to anything like that? For you to get involved with another man, especially a younger one would throw your husband right back into his addiction. It is too soon for you to make a decision like that and all the wounds are way too fresh. Take some time to heal you too. Just because you perhaps were not as addicted as your husband or perhaps didn't cheat like him doesn't mean that you have some "stuff" you need to work through. Stay away from the "crutch" of having another man around, it won't work. My first husband is a hopeless addict. Instead of trying to get healthy and leaving the strange women alone, he ran off with another man's wife and left me and our son on our own. My son was 11 years old and knew exactly what was going on. I cannot begin to tell you the damage he created both for my son and for myself. It took me YEARS of counseling to get my self esteem back and raise my son properly. Good luck with all this, I know it is real for you but one step at a time, ok??
Last edited by Pammyd; 07-27-2012 at 05:11 AM..
Reason: Grammar correction
I am pretty ashamed of my current situation and even of my feelings. I got married at 18 (8 years, 3 kids later). It has been rough. We have grown together but in certain ways we've grown apart. He has been unfaithful, mentally unstable, an addict in the past. I have been angry and cold. Now he is getting much healthier and doing very well. We work as a good team and are much better parents now. He's vert proud of his growth and he seems to think our relationship is awesome but I still have a lot of pain/resentment and I'm just not attracted to him as much. I have asked him to do certain things (concerning sex) but that blows up in an arguement and insecurity for days and I just feels so dishonest having to reassure him that he still turns me on.
I realize that I am very vulnerable to other men's attention. I feel like there is something wrong with me now though because I can stop thinking about a certain young man (he is only 18 ) he has no family in the US and he spent a lot of time with us. He now lives in another state but texts me often to let me know how he is. I have never let him know that I think about him but I sometimes imagine he might have a crush on me too. I know this is wrong and it probably just has to do with wanting to be young and single again, but I am only 26! I know I will get a mix of answers here but what is the right way to focus here? I don't want to split into two people.
I'm 24 and I understand what you mean about the relationship. I went through almost the exact same thing (a few minor differences though). But I can't relate about the 18 year old though, because I like older and more mature men, not baby cubs who have no idea what life is really about yet.
You need to forget the boy (because that's what he is, a boy. He's not a man yet. Don't get the two confused), and find out if YOU still even want your relationship anymore. The very last thing you need is temptation in your path. You need to make a decision with a clear and sound mind. Not because you're horny and craving attention.
Keep your fantasy a fantasy. You're feeling burdended down in a marriage and are using your husbands previous wanderings as an excuse to overcome your own guilty feelings about wanting someone else. You need to decide whether your relationship is giving you, or can give you what you want out of life. If you think it can, then work on it, if you don't? Then get out.
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)
) he has no family in the US and he spent a lot of time with us. He now lives in another state but texts me often to let me know how he is. I have never let him know that I think about him but I sometimes imagine he might have a crush on me too. I know this is wrong and it probably just has to do with wanting to be young and single again, but I am only 26! I know I will get a mix of answers here but what is the right way to focus here? I don't want to split into two people.
