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getting over a close friend who was also a teacher Getting over a lost friend who was also my karate teacher
Hi everyone, I enjoyed reading the posts regarding not seeing a lost love as helping to get over that person faster. I have a situation and would love feedback on this. I have been Karate training for 3 years now and during that time my Sensei and his family became very close to my family (who all train also). He also became a very close friend to me emailing me a lot and telling me that besides his mum (he's English) and his wife - I am the only one who understands him and we are "kindred spirits" because we like to talk about existential topics etc. Well, he published a book recently, I actually helped him edit it when he was first writing it. I asked him to autograph it and he autographed it with a very cold and generic message - I was really confused. Even my husband was surprised as to how impersonal it was. Well, I asked him about it and he BLEW UP and said he was "sick and tired of my bull****". When I tried to figure out why he was so upset, he quit answering my emails, and emailed my husband to tell him how much I have been emailing him - my husband knew, so no problem there. But now he has "slammed the door" on our friendship and said he will be my karate instructor only. This is a guy who spent last Halloween, New Year's Eve, his birthday, my birthday with our family and his. Also, I was a volunteer assistant student and he said I can longer be part of that but if I and my family want to continue karate he will be our instructor. Like Pirate Girl, even tho this wasn't a love affair, just a close friendship, I can't go to karate and face him. My husband says I need to suck it up and continue. I don't know how I can continue. I have about a year to black belt and I no longer trust my Sensei who because of his belief in me encouraged me to get as far as I did. It's obvious his wife has been jealous of how close we were, but things were fine until I asked him to add "from your Sensei" to his autograph. Also, I know they have been sharing this situation with other club members and I don't feel safe sparring with anyone. If I quit, my 17 year old black belt son will probably quit too and i don't want this on my conscience. I also don't want to start at a new dojo because i am older and don't want to start all over again with another style of karate. I don't know what to do now - any advice? Thank you all.
getting over a close friend who was also a teacher Getting over a lost friend who was also my karate teacher
Hi everyone, I enjoyed reading the posts regarding not seeing a lost love as helping to get over that person faster. I have a situation and would love feedback on this. I have been Karate training for 3 years now and during that time my Sensei and his family became very close to my family (who all train also). He also became a very close friend to me emailing me a lot and telling me that besides his mum (he's English) and his wife - I am the only one who understands him and we are "kindred spirits" because we like to talk about existential topics etc. Well, he published a book recently, I actually helped him edit it when he was first writing it. I asked him to autograph it and he autographed it with a very cold and generic message - I was really confused. Even my husband was surprised as to how impersonal it was. Well, I asked him about it and he BLEW UP and said he was "sick and tired of my bull****". When I tried to figure out why he was so upset, he quit answering my emails, and emailed my husband to tell him how much I have been emailing him - my husband knew, so no problem there. But now he has "slammed the door" on our friendship and said he will be my karate instructor only. This is a guy who spent last Halloween, New Year's Eve, his birthday, my birthday with our family and his. Also, I was a volunteer assistant student and he said I can longer be part of that but if I and my family want to continue karate he will be our instructor. Like Pirate Girl, even tho this wasn't a love affair, just a close friendship, I can't go to karate and face him. My husband says I need to suck it up and continue. I don't know how I can continue. I have about a year to black belt and I no longer trust my Sensei who because of his belief in me encouraged me to get as far as I did. It's obvious his wife has been jealous of how close we were, but things were fine until I asked him to add "from your Sensei" to his autograph. Also, I know they have been sharing this situation with other club members and I don't feel safe sparring with anyone. If I quit, my 17 year old black belt son will probably quit too and i don't want this on my conscience. I also don't want to start at a new dojo because i am older and don't want to start all over again with another style of karate. I don't know what to do now - any advice? Thank you all.
Thank you for your reply. BUT then i have to quit karate and it has been a major part of my and my familiy's life for 3 years. The style is not practiced anywhere else but at his dojo. of the people i have spoken to about this all say the same thing you said - then why didn't he just tell me that?????????????????????????????????????????????
thanks again
Cremebrulee -
Thank you so much for your reply!!!!!!!!!!!! Good question. Fear - it's always fear that keeps us from making a change. My family is involved in this club and i am afraid if i change, they will quit. i guess that is the chance i have to take. it also upsets me that he as the teacher took advantage of me - yea, yea, i am a big girl. i guess i just don't think i could have a teacher as patient as he was. i will think about your advice, thanks again.
yogikarate
Thank you for your reply. BUT then i have to quit karate and it has been a major part of my and my familiy's life for 3 years. The style is not practiced anywhere else but at his dojo. of the people i have spoken to about this all say the same thing you said - then why didn't he just tell me that?????????????????????????????????????????????
thanks again
You mean something like this: "Yogikarategirl, I, your Sensei, your master instructor am p@ssy-whipped by my wife. She has told me to sever all ties with you. Unfortunately, you have invested 3 years at my dojo so I can't really kick you out of my business--although my wife would like nothing better. I do like the dues you, your husband and your son pay me; so as long as you will put money in my pocket I will instruct you. By the way, yokikarategirl, you can no longer be a volunteer assistant student.....I must go now because I hear my fish-wife screaming my name because I am talking to you too long."
That is probably pretty close to what his side of the conversation would sound like.
It tells me a lot about his character that he would e-mail your husband to tattle on you [that you e-mailed him often]. I am sure he thought your husband did not know of the frequent e-mails and would, in turn, ban you from the karate studio. That would have been a solution to his problem....he lashed out at you with all that he had (stunning you) and then he figured your husband would finish the job. I can just see him and his wife swiping their hands together as if brushing off the dirt.
There is one thing that troubles me.....that your husband is not taking into consideration that you do not feel safe sparring with anyone because your instructor and his wife have been "sharing this situation with other club members". Why is he telling you to "suck it up and continue" at a studio where you have been soundly rebuffed?
Is he the ONLY instructor in that studio? Can you train with someone else in the same studio? It would still be uncomfortable, but maybe less so than with the Shi Tzu (oops, I meant Sensei--honest).
I agree with Roadog. It was causing a problem with his wife. But, in addition I think he may have realized the depth of his feelings for you and needed to break away. Or he may have realized that what was an innocent friendship on his behalf meant much more to you. You say it wasn't a "love affair" but I suspect that you had deep feelings for this man. He did you a favor.
Princess Vanessa -
I laughed so hard during your post. Thank you so much - it is way cool how you GOT IT!!!! You really got it. I appreciate the feedback so much. My husband and I and some others with guts to admit it know that Sensei is pw'd - and my husband and I said that they probably had the exact conversation you said they were having while wiping the dirt off their hands. And yes, i guess he (or she) figured my husband would "finish the job" - but he knew and i told Sensei he knew about the emails - we even talked about them together at times. What makes me sick is that I really wanted to be friends with his wife FIRST, but she had no interest. Why my husband says "suck it up" - he is very cognitive. A great guy but doesn't get my emotions. Sensei did - he likes to talk about emotional things and I craved that and got too close to him. I don't know if I should be "strong" and keep doing karate there or be "strong" and go somewhere else. Like I said, my son is very involved in this dojo and I don't want to upset that equilibrium. Do they want me to quit?- i thought of that - what you said about them still wanting our dues - sensei is very money conscious and you were right on about him still wanting to collect our dues. If i stay, do i win? If i quit, do they win? I can't train with anyone else in the studio - they are all jr teachers of his. He is the ultimate authority - he is the one who grades me and one of the areas of the grading s "character." I really idolized my Sensei and I know he has a huge ego and we were feeding each other's egos. I have the self esteem of a very small pea. What you said about his character is spot on - i guess i just can't figure how can someone be such a great karate instructor, author, so inspiring and yet so manipulatative and mean. ok - i am crying now - this has been very good - thank you. What I don't understand is last year a female student of his who was very enthusiastic and trained at every class was rumored to have had a crush on him. She was married and a green or purple belt at the time and her husband was going to the dojo with her for awhile, but they divorced. Before the divorce, her spouse called Sensei to say that his wife was in love with him. When Sensei called my husband I was really surprised he would stoop so low as this girl's husband did. Well, instead of shunning her like they did me, they sat down and talked to her about it. They are all black belts and very good friends now (except the ex-spouse who quit.) I don't understand why they just don't sit down and talk to me instead of "slamming the door" - his words to my husband in a following email. Why would he kick me out of the volunteer instructor program - he said it was to have a "clean slate" - well, if he really wanted a clean slate why didn he just take my brown belt away from me and start me as a white belt? I don't get it and i know i am obsessing.
And NJTina - you are right - I have deep feelings for this man - not like I want to leave my spouse and marry him but like a mentor - he was my mentor. I love my husband very much (married 27 years) and i am 15 years older than my sensei! We connected on a different level. Yea, he may have thought I took it too far and i probably did. BUT you should hear some of the intimate (not sexual) - things he wrote to me - like "you and I are kindred spirits" - "I have only trusted 2 people - my mom and my wife and now I put you in that category whether you want to be or not". If i played his game i would have forwarded his emails to his wife. And before this all happened he made me some CD's of some very emotional music (he's sappy - his wife and my husband are not). I am so glad I found this site because I can connect with people who "get it" - that's all I want and need - THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO RESPONDED TO THIS - I NEEDED SOME OBJECTIVE FEEDBACK - as my husband is tired of talking about this and all of my friends are his friends and i won't talk about this with them as I don't play that way (and they are all ignorning me now anyway) - plus i know the loyalty will always go to "the Sensei". What sucks too is i hit a huge landmark birthday in Jan and would have had a big party with all karate friends. Now what? Thanks again everyone, i feel like such an idiot.
He did say intimate things to you and I bet his wife busted him on it. You "craved" something that you aren't getting at home. It doesen't mean that you don't love your husband, it's a middle-aged thing. Your sensei has been down this road before with that other female student which is why his wife had no interest in being your "friend". SHe got the vibes. You both developed feelings for each other , nothing to be ashamed of. In intimate settings this happens. It is how office romances blossom..being in close proximity so many hours in a day leads to intimacy. Please don't say that you idolized him, he is not worthy of idolatry. Anyway, who knows what would have happened if this didn't end now? It could have gotten ugly with many parties being hurt. "Kindred spirits", my a** Of course he doesen't want you to leave, that would mean losing money. You can keep venting, I will respond.
Hi again NJTina, I emailed you privately but after reading more of people's posts i should have just posted. Thanks again for your reply. You know, I forgot to mention that i had 3 close family deaths in the past 2 years, the last being my mom in Feb. I am the youngest of 5 kids - the other 2 still alive are estranged - both parents dead now. My Sensei was the only friend who called to console me after my mom died. Plus i'm on disability from work right now due to Fibromyalgia and his encouragement has enabled me to continue in Karate despite my doctors telling me to quit. Yes, it's me that did the work, i know all of that - i thought of him like family. He was like family to me - really, of course it feels like it could be a crush, but i know about "transference" and other psychological issues and he was like the positive parent i never had even tho he is younger. Anyway, thanks again.
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getting over a close friend who was also a teacher 
Getting over a lost friend who was also my karate teacher
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