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Ok, I already pretty much know the outcome of this situation, so I don’t really need advice... just need to go off on a little “Why Me?!” rant...
So, I split with my long-term SO last spring. When I was ready to get back out there, I decided to give online dating a shot. (I have a couple friends who met their SO's online, and encouraged me to try it.) I set up a profile on a popular dating site, but honestly wasn’t expecting much.
I talked to a few guys, and after a couple weeks, met one who really “stuck out” to me. He had a great profile, and his photos were attractive. We seemed to have a lot in common, and the site suggested him as a good match. He was intelligent, educated, well-spoken, well-travelled, had a great job … and was divorced with a young son. (I’ve never been married, and don’t have children, but a kid isn’t a total deal-breaker for me, so I went ahead and responded to him.)
We chatted/messaged for a couple days, then exchanged numbers. After talking for about a week, we decided to meet up after work one night for a drink. At that point, I was still cautious and didn’t know what to expect … but man, I walked into the bar, locked eyes with the guy, and BOOM! Instant attraction!
We had an awesome first date - and an awesome first kiss - and quickly made plans to meet up again that weekend. Second date was equally amazing, and by the third date, I felt comfortable enough to invite him to my place for dinner and wine. That night, one thing led to another and everything just felt “right” … so we slept together. And again, it was awesome. We talked afterwards about taking things to the next level and being exclusive, and by all accounts, that seemed to be where things were headed.
So, here’s where it gets weird … He’s big into computers and techie-gadgets, so during our 3rd date, I let him play around with my new android tablet. He looked at my music playlist, we talked about a few bands we both like, then he pulled up my Facebook page. To be honest, I didn’t care because I never put anything on FB that I’m not comfortable sharing in public. He looked at some pictures on my FB page, and that was pretty much it.
We made plans to meet up for a 4th date later that week. The night before, I was bored and thinking about him, so I went on Facebook and decided to look up his profile. (Figuring he saw mine, I wanted to see his.) Some of his info was set to private, but I figured out it was him based on his work and education info. Then... I saw his relationship status was still set to “married.” (I looked at the wife’s profile just to be certain … and sure enough, there were pictures of his son, and a wedding photo with him as the groom.)
I should have just said “Screw it!” right then and called him to dump him... but I felt emotionally invested at this point, and didn’t want to jump to conclusions, so I waited till our next date to confront him about it.
He got really upset and told me that he was dreading telling me the truth because he didn’t want to lose me. He told me that last winter, his wife found out she was pregnant with “their” second child … but he wasn’t sure it was actually his, because she admitted that she’d been having an affair with one of his friends. He said they agreed to divorce, but they have to wait until the baby is born (and he has to find out if he’s the father). Right now, she’s 7 months pregnant … and still living at his house. (They sleep in separate bedrooms, at least.) He’s looking for his own place right now, but can’t afford to pay rent on two separate places. His wife has nowhere else to go, because her family is out-of-state. He said he can’t ethically boot her out while she’s pregnant, especially if the child is his.
I was shocked, to say the least. When I regained composure, I told him that it was too much for me to deal with, and I didn’t see a way to make it work under the circumstances. He swore that he intends to divorce his wife, and asked me to please give him a chance. I just kept saying, “I don’t know, I don’t know...” He was adamant, though, and against my better judgement, I agreed to one more date.
We met up again that Saturday, and it was... well, awkward... For one thing, he was 2 hours late to the date, because his “wife” couldn’t watch their son and he had to find a babysitter at the last minute. By the time we met up, I was just tired, confused, and quite frankly... it felt too much like a white trash / Maury Povich type situation for me to deal with. I kept thinking that it felt like I was having an affair with a married man, and ethically, I just couldn’t do that.
I made some excuses about being busy that coming week, so I couldn’t commit to another date, and have been sort of avoiding him ever since. Meanwhile, he’s blowing up my phone with calls and texts. He invited me to a party with his friends at the end of the month, and brought up me meeting his son … but every time I really stop and think about his situation, my gut instinct tells me not to go there. I’ve been steadily making excuses about being busy and avoiding his calls... but it hurts like hell, because I really freakin’ like this guy!
It sucks, because everything about him seemed so great. We really had chemistry, and under different circumstances, I could have seen the relationship actually going somewhere. I’m just too freaked out by his situation … and I know I have to just cut him loose and move on. But damn... I went and let myself get emotionally and physically involved with him, and now I’m hurting over it.
I guess it’s like that saying goes, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.” Sigh...
He is dead wrong. If you really think there could be something there tell him to call you 6 months from the day they separate. By then you'll probably be over him.
Why are you being so wishywashy with him? Stop *avoiding* and just *dump* his lying butt. He LIED to you about being married in the first place. Why would you assume he's telling you the truth about intending to divorce, or sleeping in different bedrooms, or ANYTHING? It was only a few dates. Dump him & be grateful you found out sooner rather than later.
ETA: If you didn't use protection, go get tested. You probably aren't his first married fling.
I know you aren't asking for advice, but PLEASE, stay away from this guy. I see nothing but misery ahead. Be glad you were with him a short time because the shorter time you're with someone, the shorter time it takes to get over him, though you can't feel that now. When startup is this fast, (the French say "a coup de foudre" - a thunderbolt), it means neither has taken the necessary time to get to know the other. Feelings lead you down the primrose path because the brain isn't in use at this point.
I think this guy has does this more than once. He knows how to play a woman.
Why are you being so wishywashy with him? Stop *avoiding* and just *dump* his lying butt. He LIED to you about being married in the first place. Why would you assume he's telling you the truth about intending to divorce, or sleeping in different bedrooms, or ANYTHING? It was only a few dates. Dump him & be grateful you found out sooner rather than later.
ETA: If you didn't use protection, go get tested. You probably aren't his first married fling.
Ding! To the OP your story is nothing new. Heard it many times before. I myself have not been in the situation, but I have heard it. Same script, different cast. Just be more careful next time. Move on.
P.S. "REAL" chemistry is not based on lies. REAL=truth
I love hearing stories like this because it just crystallizes the fact that even the creme de la creme of my competition on the dating sites is extremely weak.
To the OP, I'm not sure if you're even looking for actual advice or just wanting to vent. Either way is fine, but obviously you need to dump him now and I think you know that. It isn't like he won't be expecting it. He lied about being married and having a kid; it would be unreasonable for him to object to your reasoning behind wanting to end things.
Of course he's really nice and everything you want him to be. He's a sociopath, duh. They're real good at that.
His situation would be something that might evoke empathy from me if it were true except FOR THE FACT THAT HE HAD HIS PROFILE ON A DATING SITE. Sorry, that just doesn't wash, pass the smell test, cut the mustard, whatever.
He's a dick. You have the proof in that your entire dating scenario was based on lies. Walk away and don't look back thinking "If only..." because it's all BS. NONE of it was real except perhaps for the physical attraction, but that's pretty easy to find.
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