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More than likely, you are simply not "doing it for her". You know, a whole lot of women out there have conversations....they'd rather not have it at all, than have to deal with disappointment every time. If they have to tell their spouses what they need, especially if they have to do it more than once, the biggest share of them will simply tune out. It's nothing more than a chore. Think about it guys, if you needed something specific, in order to get off....and your partner couldn't be bothered to figure it out, or got so caught up in their own pleasure and totally forgot about what you needed...you'd lose interest too. Seriously....it's the biggest complaint that women share with each other.....at least those who've shared with me!
For those women...the sex is only to make their man happy...nothing more than another duty. While the men are complaining about how selfish their women are for not having sex whenever they want it, their women are dealing with the men's selfisness every time they DO have sex. Wow....what a lightbulb!
That is probably true for some men...but throughout the course of our marriage she never said anything was "wrong" no matter how/when I tried to get her to talk about it. Also, she had never ONCE told me what "does" to it for her, and when I would try to get her to talk about what she does and doesn't like, the response (before we started working on things) was always just a flippant "oh, its fine". I'd like to think that, since I asked and was willing to listen, and she didn't give an answer, that I'm not "at fault" here per se, since I had tried MANY times. Any time I'd try a different type of foreplay or other "technique" (I'm trying to not be too graphic) she either thought it was weird or gross...or uncomfortable. Finally, though, when we went into counseling, she flat admitted she never liked sex.
Now, she's opening up, and trying to "loosen up", which seems to be the root of the problem...it seems she is admitting that deep down, sex is "dirty" to her, probably from her upbringing, despite her not being particularly religious or old fashioned. She has made some progress, even to where she's had some actual orgasms, both with me and on her own (which I've encouraged)...but it's a slow process.
If sex doesn't cross my mind when I first meet a guy then I'm probably not going to go out with him in the first place. That doesn't mean I'm going to jump right into bed but if I'm not having to seriously restrain myself then there's just not enough there.
As for the second paragraph, I'm guessing that your experience on that point is seriously limited. I wish you two the best and hope you get it worked out b/c she's missing out on one of the greatest pleasures in marriage.
To your first post...that's MY viewpoint...if I were dating, I'd prefer to know she IS having to hold back! Waiting for sex for moral reasons, but having it be very hard to do is far different than waiting simply because you don't want it that much anyway.
If you're Catholic here's an analogy: If you LOVE chocolate and hate hot dogs, giving up chocolate for Lent is hard, but giving up hot dogs is easy. If sex to you were chocolate, it's one thing, but if its hot dogs, that's another.
For the other point, we are slowly working on it...with some sucess so far.
More than likely, you are simply not "doing it for her". You know, a whole lot of women out there have conversations....they'd rather not have it at all, than have to deal with disappointment every time. If they have to tell their spouses what they need, especially if they have to do it more than once, the biggest share of them will simply tune out. It's nothing more than a chore. Think about it guys, if you needed something specific, in order to get off....and your partner couldn't be bothered to figure it out, or got so caught up in their own pleasure and totally forgot about what you needed...you'd lose interest too. Seriously....it's the biggest complaint that women share with each other.....at least those who've shared with me!
For those women...the sex is only to make their man happy...nothing more than another duty. While the men are complaining about how selfish their women are for not having sex whenever they want it, their women are dealing with the men's selfisness every time they DO have sex. Wow....what a lightbulb!
Not to be rude, but that sounds like a copout to me. A lot of women in my experience won't even say that we're not "doing it" for them...its as if they expect us to be mindreaders. Or they insist its all OK when its not, for fear of "hurting our feelings". Then leave the relationship due to lack of sexual satisfaction, when they had plenty of opportunities to speak up.
Some guys are selfish, I get that, but I've been on the other end of that...when I can tell she's not "into it" but won't open up to me as to what to do differently. Then they pull the "well if I have to coach you it loses the appeal". Bullsh*t. We can't read minds!
This was my experience in youth - in thirtysomething marriage its much better. I think it's a youth thing, to a point. Women past 30 seem to do a much better job of communication in this way.
Not to be rude, but that sounds like a copout to me. A lot of women in my experience won't even say that we're not "doing it" for them...its as if they expect us to be mindreaders. Or they insist its all OK when its not, for fear of "hurting our feelings". Then leave the relationship due to lack of sexual satisfaction, when they had plenty of opportunities to speak up.
Some guys are selfish, I get that, but I've been on the other end of that...when I can tell she's not "into it" but won't open up to me as to what to do differently. Then they pull the "well if I have to coach you it loses the appeal". Bullsh*t. We can't read minds!
This was my experience in youth - in thirtysomething marriage its much better. I think it's a youth thing, to a point. Women past 30 seem to do a much better job of communication in this way.
Of course women expect men to be mindreaders, are you new to this game called life? Women are indirect and thats how they communicate, guys should learn to appreciate it because its natural and part of who women are. At times they drop the most subtle of hints, which 99% of men completely miss. I do agree with you that as women age, they tend to communicate in much more direct way, but I wonder if thats becasue they become less and less attractive and less persued by men.
Of course women expect men to be mindreaders, are you new to this game called life? Women are indirect and thats how they communicate, guys should learn to appreciate it because its natural and part of who women are. At times they drop the most subtle of hints, which 99% of men completely miss. I do agree with you that as women age, they tend to communicate in much more direct way, but I wonder if thats becasue they become less and less attractive and less persued by men.
I've always been pretty direct. That said, I get what these men are saying...many women just don't open up and I'm glad I'm not a straight guy or a lesbian!
That is probably true for some men...but throughout the course of our marriage she never said anything was "wrong" no matter how/when I tried to get her to talk about it. Also, she had never ONCE told me what "does" to it for her, and when I would try to get her to talk about what she does and doesn't like, the response (before we started working on things) was always just a flippant "oh, its fine". I'd like to think that, since I asked and was willing to listen, and she didn't give an answer, that I'm not "at fault" here per se, since I had tried MANY times. Any time I'd try a different type of foreplay or other "technique" (I'm trying to not be too graphic) she either thought it was weird or gross...or uncomfortable. Finally, though, when we went into counseling, she flat admitted she never liked sex.
Now, she's opening up, and trying to "loosen up", which seems to be the root of the problem...it seems she is admitting that deep down, sex is "dirty" to her, probably from her upbringing, despite her not being particularly religious or old fashioned. She has made some progress, even to where she's had some actual orgasms, both with me and on her own (which I've encouraged)...but it's a slow process.
Tim, through counselling, you're liable to end up finding out that someone really traumatized your wife, emotionally, physically or both. It sounds like you're a really caring person....frustrated yes, but truly caring. Be patient. At least now, you guys are working on the situation. There are "new" studies out there, and if your wife is reading any of them or WILL read any of them, she will see that her "condition" is actually common and not unusual.
I've always been pretty direct. That said, I get what these men are saying...many women just don't open up and I'm glad I'm not a straight guy or a lesbian!
Sure some women are more direct than others, which i find to be a major turn on btw, but i feel there are still instances where most tend to be indirect. It could be means of communication even using the body language etc etc. THanks for being able to step into guys shoes. Im actualy just dealing with some drama, where i missed a subtle hint from a girl i know and am now catching hell for it.
Tim, through counselling, you're liable to end up finding out that someone really traumatized your wife, emotionally, physically or both. It sounds like you're a really caring person....frustrated yes, but truly caring. Be patient. At least now, you guys are working on the situation. There are "new" studies out there, and if your wife is reading any of them or WILL read any of them, she will see that her "condition" is actually common and not unusual.
Sex is dirty to her and many other people, most likely becasue we live in puritan society of western civilization, that wants you to believe such nonsense. There are so many forces that push these inhibitions down your throat that it ruins many lives. Form religion to folk tales, its always the same mantra. SOme are more susceptible to it than others, but it impacts us all greatly.
Not to be rude, but that sounds like a copout to me. A lot of women in my experience won't even say that we're not "doing it" for them...its as if they expect us to be mindreaders. Or they insist its all OK when its not, for fear of "hurting our feelings". Then leave the relationship due to lack of sexual satisfaction, when they had plenty of opportunities to speak up.
Some guys are selfish, I get that, but I've been on the other end of that...when I can tell she's not "into it" but won't open up to me as to what to do differently. Then they pull the "well if I have to coach you it loses the appeal". Bullsh*t. We can't read minds!
This was my experience in youth - in thirtysomething marriage its much better. I think it's a youth thing, to a point. Women past 30 seem to do a much better job of communication in this way.
Oh my gosh, it doesn't sound rude to me at ALL, hairmetal. It sounds like frustration to me! I know it sounds like a copout, but truly it's not. It's more a "hang up" than a cop out. It IS out of fearfulness, because they don't want to hurt your feelings AND they don't want you to judge them as having something wrong with them.
These days, there is so much information available...and more research being done all the time. That's why there's the "female viagra" pill available as well. If you check out the research, 11% of all women have actually had an orgasm during plain old sex! Yeah...that means 89% grew up faking it, just to stroke an ego and not look like there's something wrong with them!! LOL ...11% have NEVER had an orgasm, no matter how much foreplay is done.
You're right about the age thing. Once you're past 30, it does get easier for some to talk about. Remember though, the information hasn't always been out there. Women started out being told, You're not going to like it, but it's your duty." Step forward a few generations and it became all the rage to enjoy it. Porn was even encouraged, to "get things going". Okay, haven't watched porn in a couple of decades, but what happens in every porn flick? The woman has an orgasm!!!!! Okay, so either the porn industry is where that 11% decide to make a living (because they actually get off on it), or some of them were FAKING it!!
Okay.... so it's pretty clear that I'm not in that glorious, charmed 11%. Yes, I was one of those young women who thought there was something terribly, terribly wrong with me. Yes, I grew to find it just another task, until information got out there and I found out that I WAS NORMAL!! Only when you find those things out, do you all of a sudden....not feel like a freak! Imagine how my heart broke, when I told my husband that I'd been faking it all those years!!! OMG...how do you tell the person you love most in this world....that you'd been lying to him for YEARS!? Why do you think it took so long for science to come up with "possible" solutions? It's the same with Viagra! People didn't talk about "those things". They were shameful and embarrassing. You're saying, "There is something wrong with me."
The funny thing is, it's not like saying you've got heart problems or diabetes. This is ONLY a sexual issue....so trivial, right? LOL Clearly not and that's why there have been so many new studies done! Sex and sexual fulfillment ARE important. Thankfully, science is finally recognizing that and attempting to do something about it. Good heavens, this is turning into a book and I didn't mean for it to. Good luck all and be patient. Think of how many generations of women have had to deal with this. I mean, if men didn't orgasm, didn't get any real pleasure out of it, would they be as interested in sex as they are? I think not.
Sex is dirty to her and many other people, most likely becasue we live in puritan society of western civilization, that wants you to believe such nonsense. There are so many forces that push these inhibitions down your throat that it ruins many lives. Form religion to folk tales, its always the same mantra. SOme are more susceptible to it than others, but it impacts us all greatly.
I truly believe that THAT is why there is so much research being released about it these days. All of a sudden, it is not just a "female" problem. The reality has struck.....OMG....if it's a FEMALE problem, then it's also a MALE problem. Duh!
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I think it's a youth thing, to a point. Women past 30 seem to do a much better job of communication in this way.
I know it sounds like a copout, but truly it's not. It's more a "hang up" than a cop out. It IS out of fearfulness, because they don't want to hurt your feelings AND they don't want you to judge them as having something wrong with them. 
