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I think people can get through most anything if they truly love each other and are willing to work hard to fix problems. My concern for you is that she doesn't really seem motivated to change. You can't make her change, she has to want to change for herself. If I were in your shoes it would be ultimatum time. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life listening to someone complain and not having sex? Do you want a guilt trip everytime you want to see your friends that you're leaving her? And I can promise you - it will only get worse once you're married.
i really advise against the ultimatum
with mental health, if the person with the problem feels pressured to fix things, or that people aren't on their side, it makes everything harder. there is so much stigma attached, and the OP's fiance already has anxiety problems
i do agree if it is not dealt with, it will get worse
for that reason i would recommend if you decide to help her, do not add in any threat or the notion that it's a "last chance"
and if you decide instead (or after) that you need to break it off, do so immediately without any "one last chance" or ultimatum first
The only problem with antidepressants is that most impact your sex drive in a negative way, so if her sex drive isnt where it needs to be now, it would likely only get worse. She needs to address her depression and anxiety though, by seeing a professional. You seem like you care about her, so id suggest being supportive in that and even going with her to take care of it. Also, I dont use any drugs myself, but am for legalization of marijuana and think of it as mostly a recreational drug if used properly, but it has very negative impact on ones depression and anxiety because it covers up the actual problems which need to be dealt with. I could explain it in more detail, but maybe someone with better knowledge of medicine and brain function can do it more accurately.
I agree with every word of this. (Shocking, I know!)
Pot is thought to have anti-depressant effects, but only at low doses. If she's using it often, and a lot of it, it will make her depression worse.
Motor, I hope your fiancee is getting some counseling. Without it, nothing will change, and what you are living with now is what you will be marrying.
Your post makes me sad because it does seem like you are a good man who wants to do the right thing. But right now she is her own worst enemy, and there is precious little you can do about it other than encourage her to get help and support her if she does. Perhaps, if you are close with her friends and family, you could seek out a professional yourselves to help you decide if an intervention for her pot-smoking is in order. It's a reach, but drug use is drug use, and it sounds like she is becoming psychologically dependent on pot.
Otherwise, for your own health and well-being, and that of any children you may want to have one day, you may just have to cut your losses and move on.
Ive been engaged for close to a year and I thought this point in my life was supposed to be the "honey moon" stage. For my case it is not. My fiance has a great heart. She will go out of her way for anyone, shes intelligent and has a great sense of humor. However, there is a depressant and anxiety ridden side that takes over. Its taken over so badly that our relationship is on the line. Its affecting our communication, intimacy and generally our day to day life. I dont know how much longer i can deal with not feeling desired. Every day she has a "bad day" according to her. I understand we all have to work and generally most of us dont like to work, so coming home every day to her in a bad mood because of work is just the tip of the ice burg. Its gotten so bad that I just expect her to have a bad day. I usually come home with a smile on my face, regardless if she had a bad day or even if I did. (you have to separate things ... when im at work, i'm working. when im at home, im focused on my personal life) she cannot separate anything. So she had a bad day and i get to come home (not to mention i usually get groceries or flowers on my way home)to her sitting on the couch usually smoking a bowl (POT) stressed on how her day was and bla bla bla. I usually try to communicate with her and let her talk about it and try to move forward into the night. This is a reoccurring daily battle that i just cant handle any more. Ive tried to keep her positive and tell her its alright, its just a job and you get paid very well, but that never seems to work.
This usually sets the mood for the entire night no mattter what i can do.
Now to the intimacy part. (i believe that this is caused by her stress and anxiety, or just lack of wanting to care about our relationship, cause her head is else where) I dont know where to begin here. I just want to feel wanted, needed, desired.. Who doesnt? Every time we get intimate I have to initiate it and do pretty much 90% of the work. It seems the only time shes ever really into it is when she has a good buzz going. It hurts and as a man we need the physical love. I want to feel wanted. I want to be desired. without that, a man really has no self worth in a relationship, right? I have addressed these things to her the best way I could, but its only gotten worse and she now puts more stress on herself over the issue and everything has just been dwindling down. We have sat down and discussed things we would both like more out the relationship and Ive been keeping my end of the bargain, but it seems that she really isnt. She knows things arent going well and im trying to be patient and help her with her anxiety and depression and ive been really good on communicating with her and showing her i will do anything for this relationship. its just never good enough. I still come home to her having a bad day, or stressed over her friends or stressed over why i didnt call her because i left work a little late. I she even gets stressed out when I ask her what she wants for dinner.
How does one cope with this? ill do anything for us and the relationship and I know she is trying, but I just want to come home and be happy. Laugh and joke around. She wants it too and there are nights that this does happen (20% of the time) which is about 1 in 5 days. im just in fear that if we are to still get married are things going to get worse? Ive read a bunch of forums and articles and it does show that intimacy does slow down as a marraige comes along. if its not good enough now i am in fear of whats to come in my marraige.
any suggestions?? thanks!
This is what the rest of your life with her will look like (if not worse). Is this what you want? Has she gotten help for her anxiety and depression? If not, why not? Is she open to that? Don't get married until you see what she's like when she gets help for her issues, whether meds or therapy. Even then, proceed with ultimate caution, if at all. You can prolong the engagement, if you want to give her a chance. If that upsets her, well...what other choice does she have, other than your canceling the engagement/wedding, and walking altogether? She should have sought help for her anxiety and depression long ago. And yes, it's true, antidepressants do negatively affect the libido. You have a lot to think about.
that study was done on rats, with no information about how the doses applied to rats compared to the dosages typically ingested by casual pot smokers
i applaud that research team for trying to take anecdotal evidence and put it in a lab setting
but it doesn't really support any sweeping conclusions in humans though, like the one you made above
let's not bend the data one way or the other. we don't even know what the researcher meant by "increased the dose"
it could be the rat equivalent of cheech and chong. or the rat equivalent of smoking fifty joints a day
i think the OP has enough to worry about without over-analysis of the pot. if she wants, his fiance can discuss that with the doctor. we're all just armchair psychs here
that study was done on rats, with no information about how the doses applied to rats compared to the dosages typically ingested by casual pot smokers
i applaud that research team for trying to take anecdotal evidence and put it in a lab setting
but it doesn't really support any sweeping conclusions in humans though, like the one you made above
let's not bend the data one way or the other. we don't even know what the researcher meant by "increased the dose"
it could be the rat equivalent of cheech and chong. or the rat equivalent of smoking fifty joints a day
i think the OP has enough to worry about without over-analysis of the pot. if she wants, his fiance can discuss that with the doctor. we're all just armchair psychs here
You make some valid points, obviously we wont reach any scientific conclusions here, but i still believe it to be significant enough to talk about. Even if smoking pot doesnt worsen depression, it is responsible for unnatural release of dopamine, which feeling high is all about. Dealing with depression and anxiety has alot to do with brains chemical imbalance, so i think it would be counterproductive to artificialy increase dopamine release, when one is already having problems with brain function. In my non-scientific opinion it works against you becasue it is used as a masking agent, much like cigarette tabacco. It makes a person feel less anxious and less depressed, but its only a temporary solution and does nothing for resolving the actual problem.
I did not read all of the pages, so I may be repeating someone's comments.
I suspect that your fiance' may be 'clinically depressed', because it sounds to me like she has a hard time coping with life in general. Do you know if depression is in her family? She really should consult a doctor, because at least there is help for this. And if she's up front with him about everything going on, I'd bet he would see a red flag and recommend some counseling ~ both for time-management, self-management, and probably for the sexual hang-ups, too.
I'm sure she's a wonderful person and has redeeming qualities, but she obviously doesn't deal with life well. The job is something that can be changed later on; however, I think her problems have deeper roots.
Me thinks you should not get married anytime too soon. Her problems need addressed before you commit and start a family.
You make some valid points, obviously we wont reach any scientific conclusions here, but i still believe it to be significant enough to talk about. Even if smoking pot doesnt worsen depression, it is responsible for unnatural release of dopamine, which feeling high is all about. Dealing with depression and anxiety has alot to do with brains chemical imbalance, so i think it would be counterproductive to artificialy increase dopamine release, when one is already having problems with brain function. In my non-scientific opinion it works against you becasue it is used as a masking agent, much like cigarette tabacco. It makes a person feel less anxious and less depressed, but its only a temporary solution and does nothing for resolving the actual problem.
if the OP starts talking to his fiance about "maybe you should lay off the pot" it will not accomplish anything at all, regardless of whether the pot helps or hurts the situation
if, as part of a more comprehensive treatment approach, the fiance lays off the weed, then that's fine
dealing with any mental health issue takes time, counseling, and often prescription medication. often it's a years long process
one of the things that can go wrong is when the person or their loved ones think it's just a matter of needing a vacation, laying off the weed, or some such thing. it always goes deeper than that
sometimes people don't realize this, and that is why i think this is bad advice. the need for patience, a range of strategies, and compassion is what should be stressed, not one single aspect
that is if the OP decides to try. walking away is still a viable option
it's fine to debate pot, i just wish it were in another thread. OPs options seem very clear to me and I hope they don't get obscured behind a debate on marijuana
Dealt and still dealing with a very similar situation with my current BF (plus he has OCD). My suggestion is to take a break. My boyfriend and I broke up for 6 months so he (and I somewhat) could figure out what we wanted and get ourselves/lives in check (order).
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