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Old 08-23-2012, 06:52 AM
 
14 posts, read 261,864 times
Reputation: 45

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Please help me understand. Yes, lengthy, but tried to answer any typical questions I've seen on similar posts upfront in the post. *I found out my husband has been watching porn secretly, deleting the history & lying to me. He's been lying apparently the last 5-7 years .*
We have been together about 10 years, got married about 2 years ago. *(Had i been privy to this habit of his, i am not sure we would have wed) Many years ago I stumbled across porn on the home PC and he denied it at first but ended up telling me some was his. *I told him my feelings, that it's one thing to watch it with me, but watching it behind my back made me uncomfortable. *I'm not a fan of porn, was raised it was wrong & as an adult I still gave it a try & had an open mind. *Still wasn't a fan. I didn't get why I would watch women degrade themselves and have sex with random people. *Putting the degrading part aside, also didn't understand how it was a turn on if I was more attractive than the girls I saw & could do the same sh#% only better, have sex & love.
Unlike every post I read, we do not have a bad sex life, I don't think he's choosing it over me, we have sex atleast 4/5 times a week. *To be honest I'm a pretty attractive woman, little more anatomically correct version of Barbie. *Thin but nicely placed curves, large breasts (which he likes) and always attempt to be the ideal 50's wife by keeping my appearance pleasing, touching up my lipstick or spraying a perfume before he gets home. *I'm not a house wife, I have a full time career & do my best to balance the household responsibilities. I also seldom turn him down for sex if he asks. Even if I'm not in the mood, I still will abliege atleast a short session. *I always felt that men cheat because their women turn them down so much they go elsewhere, and I would much rather satisfy him then leave him high & dry.

About a year ago (6 months after we got married) I borrowed his iPad to do some research for work & noticed that my searches were the only ones there. *On my iPad it's always so easy to get to sites since I can type in a few characters & the site appears. I found out it was because he was deleting the history. *Concerned, I asked him why he had deleted it & he told me he never had, maybe on accident. *Throughtout the year this occurred several.. EVERY time I used any Internet accessible device of his. I started to worry more, & asked him atleast 5 seperate occasions over the course of the year. He told me I was crazy, paranoid & to stop or he would leave me for being jealous. *About 2 months ago after holding in my wondering & fears that are now rampant, I sat him down, gently, caring & calmly told him how I felt, was there anything he wasn't telling me, that I hate feeling worried that he's hiding something.. I began to cry & begged him finally to just tell me anything - whatever it was we would be ok, the what ifs were to much for me. *I even said, if it's porn your hiding, that would actually be a relief. *He looked me in the eyes, told me he loved me, I needed to stop being insecure, he would never do anything behind my back, and as for porn he hadn't looked at it in atleast 5 years and didnt even like it.
* So, make a long story short, I discovered the evidence of several porn sites, and also some others that have me concerned. *Besides porn, *I found aol web site info (we don't have aol & he said he only had the one email account that I know about) I found a site, the name alone made me sick. *It was a site u can sign up for free & meet sex buddies for all types of encounters - including discrete encounters for married people interested in affairs. I confronted him & he denied all getting angry with me that I didn't trust him, & that other people could have used his phone. *After about a week of me down, sad & still refusing to accept the story he finally, over a text admitted to looking at porn a couple times. (he now has said a few times a day/week) I know I initially said I wouldn't be upset, but his opportunity I gave him about being honest with me had long past, and bottom line is he never told me, not until I found such irrefutable evidence, denying it, as I told him was an insult to my intelligence. * I legitimately want to still try & possibly make our marriage stronger (I told him if he has any sexual desires/fantasists or curiosity I would love it if he would share them with me, I'm pretty adventurous & willing as he knows so I am bothered & hurt he hasn't shared whatever it is with me. *3 things i asked from him, that he refuses to answer about the porn. *(didnt want all details, just the top reason for seeking the materials) 1. The type of sexual act/acts he seeks to view. 2. The actual amount he is viewing these adult materials & 3. The type of woman (I assume) he is most interested in watching in the videos. *He will not tell me anything, at all... Nothing. *He keeps telling me it's just porn, it's not like he cheated. To get over it! Irritated, he said he won't watch it anymore if it's such a big deal. I have tried showing him books, articles, marriage & family counseler, psychologist etc documents on this topic that he also refuses to read. *I told him find me a rebuttal & I'd be more than happy to take a look at it. *Im not opposed to being enlightened on a different prospective.*
* At this point, *I'm obviously concerned about more than the porn. He lied to me without hesitation & doesnt seem remorseful. *I wish guys (sorry to sound sexist) could understand sometimes that it's not the issue the lie is covering as much as it is the LIES themselves. *My trust is gone, I feel so decieved, I feel stupid for trusting him on everything throughout the years, thinking that he wasnt that kind of guy, he'd never lie to me (other than a simple white lie) I was convinced that women that say all men cheat we're just bitter, scorned women that just don't have a husband like mine *
I can't sleep, I'm wondering about how much more he's hiding, did he use the hook up site? Did he actually have sex with someone else?.. Do I even know him? *If he lied so adimentally about the porn he thinks is no big deal, am I really being overly sensitive or wrong to think the other sites with "actual cheating" as he says, aren't just more lies.
In closing, To complicate this, *I would like to add that I *recently found out we were pregnant with our first child, a planned, *long awaited pregnancy. *Both the long engagement & the waiting on pregancy were not him dragging his feet, they were really me - wanted to be confident we were financially stable, had a strong friendship for our marriage & had similar values. * I don't expect a sugar coated response, honestly, I'd prefer brutal honesty. However, *please, don't tell me anything about an abortion or anything like that, that is NOT an option. * Is there anything I can do to get him to be honest with me, should I do more on my end to make him more interested in me... And should I be as worried about everything that I am?*
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Old 08-23-2012, 06:59 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,979 posts, read 7,922,857 times
Reputation: 7990
Think there's a lot more to this story, but after a quick read, porn on it's own isn't a problem, but lying is.

You sound a bit insecure, but he sounds like a creep and you need to ask yourself if you really see a future of eternal happiness with this guy, or if you'd be happier alone for a while.
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Old 08-23-2012, 08:10 AM
 
16,081 posts, read 21,281,568 times
Reputation: 26456
Quote:
Originally Posted by Confusedwife View Post
Please help me understand. Yes, lengthy, but tried to answer any typical questions I've seen on similar posts upfront in the post. *I found out my husband has been watching porn secretly, deleting the history & lying to me. He's been lying apparently the last 5-7 years .*
We have been together about 10 years, got married about 2 years ago. *(Had i been privy to this habit of his, i am not sure we would have wed) Many years ago I stumbled across porn on the home PC and he denied it at first but ended up telling me some was his. *I told him my feelings, that it's one thing to watch it with me, but watching it behind my back made me uncomfortable. *I'm not a fan of porn, was raised it was wrong & as an adult I still gave it a try & had an open mind. *Still wasn't a fan. I didn't get why I would watch women degrade themselves and have sex with random people. *Putting the degrading part aside, also didn't understand how it was a turn on if I was more attractive than the girls I saw & could do the same sh#% only better, have sex & love.
Unlike every post I read, we do not have a bad sex life, I don't think he's choosing it over me, we have sex atleast 4/5 times a week. *To be honest I'm a pretty attractive woman, little more anatomically correct version of Barbie. *Thin but nicely placed curves, large breasts (which he likes) and always attempt to be the ideal 50's wife by keeping my appearance pleasing, touching up my lipstick or spraying a perfume before he gets home. *I'm not a house wife, I have a full time career & do my best to balance the household responsibilities. I also seldom turn him down for sex if he asks. Even if I'm not in the mood, I still will abliege atleast a short session. *I always felt that men cheat because their women turn them down so much they go elsewhere, and I would much rather satisfy him then leave him high & dry.

About a year ago (6 months after we got married) I borrowed his iPad to do some research for work & noticed that my searches were the only ones there. *On my iPad it's always so easy to get to sites since I can type in a few characters & the site appears. I found out it was because he was deleting the history. *Concerned, I asked him why he had deleted it & he told me he never had, maybe on accident. *Throughtout the year this occurred several.. EVERY time I used any Internet accessible device of his. I started to worry more, & asked him atleast 5 seperate occasions over the course of the year. He told me I was crazy, paranoid & to stop or he would leave me for being jealous. *About 2 months ago after holding in my wondering & fears that are now rampant, I sat him down, gently, caring & calmly told him how I felt, was there anything he wasn't telling me, that I hate feeling worried that he's hiding something.. I began to cry & begged him finally to just tell me anything - whatever it was we would be ok, the what ifs were to much for me. *I even said, if it's porn your hiding, that would actually be a relief. *He looked me in the eyes, told me he loved me, I needed to stop being insecure, he would never do anything behind my back, and as for porn he hadn't looked at it in atleast 5 years and didnt even like it.
* So, make a long story short, I discovered the evidence of several porn sites, and also some others that have me concerned. *Besides porn, *I found aol web site info (we don't have aol & he said he only had the one email account that I know about) I found a site, the name alone made me sick. *It was a site u can sign up for free & meet sex buddies for all types of encounters - including discrete encounters for married people interested in affairs. I confronted him & he denied all getting angry with me that I didn't trust him, & that other people could have used his phone. *After about a week of me down, sad & still refusing to accept the story he finally, over a text admitted to looking at porn a couple times. (he now has said a few times a day/week) I know I initially said I wouldn't be upset, but his opportunity I gave him about being honest with me had long past, and bottom line is he never told me, not until I found such irrefutable evidence, denying it, as I told him was an insult to my intelligence. * I legitimately want to still try & possibly make our marriage stronger (I told him if he has any sexual desires/fantasists or curiosity I would love it if he would share them with me, I'm pretty adventurous & willing as he knows so I am bothered & hurt he hasn't shared whatever it is with me. *3 things i asked from him, that he refuses to answer about the porn. *(didnt want all details, just the top reason for seeking the materials) 1. The type of sexual act/acts he seeks to view. 2. The actual amount he is viewing these adult materials & 3. The type of woman (I assume) he is most interested in watching in the videos. *He will not tell me anything, at all... Nothing. *He keeps telling me it's just porn, it's not like he cheated. To get over it! Irritated, he said he won't watch it anymore if it's such a big deal. I have tried showing him books, articles, marriage & family counseler, psychologist etc documents on this topic that he also refuses to read. *I told him find me a rebuttal & I'd be more than happy to take a look at it. *Im not opposed to being enlightened on a different prospective.*
* At this point, *I'm obviously concerned about more than the porn. He lied to me without hesitation & doesnt seem remorseful. *I wish guys (sorry to sound sexist) could understand sometimes that it's not the issue the lie is covering as much as it is the LIES themselves. *My trust is gone, I feel so decieved, I feel stupid for trusting him on everything throughout the years, thinking that he wasnt that kind of guy, he'd never lie to me (other than a simple white lie) I was convinced that women that say all men cheat we're just bitter, scorned women that just don't have a husband like mine *
I can't sleep, I'm wondering about how much more he's hiding, did he use the hook up site? Did he actually have sex with someone else?.. Do I even know him? *If he lied so adimentally about the porn he thinks is no big deal, am I really being overly sensitive or wrong to think the other sites with "actual cheating" as he says, aren't just more lies.
In closing, To complicate this, *I would like to add that I *recently found out we were pregnant with our first child, a planned, *long awaited pregnancy. *Both the long engagement & the waiting on pregancy were not him dragging his feet, they were really me - wanted to be confident we were financially stable, had a strong friendship for our marriage & had similar values. * I don't expect a sugar coated response, honestly, I'd prefer brutal honesty. However, *please, don't tell me anything about an abortion or anything like that, that is NOT an option. * Is there anything I can do to get him to be honest with me, should I do more on my end to make him more interested in me... And should I be as worried about everything that I am?*
Reread your post. You already know what you have to do. Especially regarding the "meeting" folks connections. Just Do it, before you catch some terrible disease.
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Old 08-23-2012, 08:13 AM
 
4,228 posts, read 6,482,618 times
Reputation: 5344
Nothing at all wrong with pron (unless it's underage etc). There is a problem with him lying. Address the route of the problem, his betrayal of your trust. The porn is just an excuse hiding the real problem.
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Old 08-23-2012, 08:13 AM
 
1,344 posts, read 4,218,546 times
Reputation: 1473
He lied about the porn probably because he knew it would upset you, which it obviously does. But yeah, he should have maned up and told you... He's probably embarrassed to admit to watching porn, and the whole issue is embarrassing. He probably feels like a teenager who's mom just found a playboy under his mattress.

Quote:
(didnt want all details, just the top reason for seeking the materials) 1. The type of sexual act/acts he seeks to view. 2. The actual amount he is viewing these adult materials & 3. The type of woman (I assume) he is most interested in watching in the videos.
Honestly, I'd probably layoff asking the "why". A lot of guys watch porn, I'm not gonna say its good or normal, but its not crazy, creepy, or sleazy. And the answers to those questions won't be a reflection on you, or what he truly wants. Porn is just an escape.

And those online sex meet up sites are EVERYWHERE online, just like porn. Go to any porn site and there will be 2 ads for some sex-meet up site. Its not unthinkable for someone to be curious and click on those sites, or even use those sites to get off by just browsing. But most of those sites are probably scams, and if not, he probably had as much luck sleeping with someone from those sites as the losers that post on this forum complaining about not getting dates on legit sites like match.com (the guy to girl ratio of match is huge, I'd imagine its RIDICULOUS on a sex meet up site). But if he is actively trying to seek someone out on those sites, I'd be concerned.

None of this is an excuse for him. He sounds like an immature idiot who needs to grow up, but I don't think he's a creep.
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Old 08-23-2012, 08:27 AM
 
Location: NY, NY
1,219 posts, read 1,549,351 times
Reputation: 1219
I hate to break the news to you but every man I have ever met watches porn. It is normal male behavior.
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Old 08-23-2012, 08:32 AM
 
14 posts, read 261,864 times
Reputation: 45
I can accept the porn if it wasn't so secretive.. Lying & hiding.. I'm more concerned now that his lies about the porn & the other sites is more there.
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Old 08-23-2012, 08:43 AM
 
Location: Plymouth, MN
308 posts, read 809,698 times
Reputation: 388
well, my 2 cents gs, from someone who is in the same situation as you are (but taken from guy perspective). I hope this helps.

1) you should probably change your attitude towards porn. its safe, awesome, and quickly does the trick for guys who need to get off.

2) the need to get off is a basic human instinct for guys, we absolutely need to do it when we need to do it. its undeniable, its human evolution, when we are horny and for WHATEVER GOOD REASON your naked butt is not available, he will jerk off / watch the adult entertainment movies. just take it as given.

3) he is probably ashamed to admit that he has a very high sex drive (much higher than yours), so he is obviously hiding this stuff from you. if you are not fully embracing his true self, he will search for every possible outlet, including the random "dating" websites.

4) just because he is entertaining the notion of cheating, it doesnt mean that he is actually following through with this -- its just another way to get off if the porn gets dull, a virtual hunt for fresh p*ssy. human sexuality is a very complex thing.

5) who cares if you are beatiful, if you are not physically available? slam dunk male logic.

6) lying is just a defense mechanism for him being ashamed of his actions due to his crazy physical urges. get over it and dont be so sensitive. I'd rather waste your energy on figuring a way how to satisfy the guy in bed, if you want to keep him insterested solely in you.

7) MILLIONS OF MEN ARE ON THE SAME BOAT WITH YOUR HUSBAND. we are rarely satisfied, because we like good sex. thats why there is adult entertainment industry (that brings in billions in profit every year!) to begin with.
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Old 08-23-2012, 08:50 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 91,625,455 times
Reputation: 39991
I'm with Jan, you already know what you need to do honey.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you
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Old 08-23-2012, 08:51 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,979 posts, read 7,922,857 times
Reputation: 7990
Every so often on C-D I read a post which really makes me despair for the future of the world, thanks to the people we are leaving it to.

This is one of these posts.
I don't even know where to start with it, so I'll just move swiftly on, however, maybe this poster should read the OP again, I think they have missed quite a lot of words out.
You really need to read more than the first and last line to give advice, you know............


Quote:
Originally Posted by pzrOrange View Post
well, two things, from someone who is in the same situation as you are (but taken from guy perspective).

1) you should probably change your attitude towards porn. its safe, awesome, and quickly does the trick for guys who need to get off.

2) the need to get off is a basic human instinct for guys, we absolutely need to do it when we need to do it. its undeniable, its human evolution, when we are horny and for WHATEVER GOOD REASON your naked butt is not available, he will jerk off / watch the adult entertainment movies. just take it as given.

3) he is probably ashamed to admit that he has a very high sex drive (much higher than yours), so he is obviously hiding this stuff from you. if you are not fully embracing his true self, he will search for every possible outlet, including the random "dating" websites.

4) just because he is entertaining the notion of cheating, it doesnt mean that he is actually following through with this -- its just another way to get off if the porn gets dull, a virtual hunt for fresh p*ssy. human sexuality is a very complex thing.

5) who cares if you are beatiful, if you are not physically available? slam dunk male logic.

6) lying is just a defense mechanism for him being ashamed of his actions due to his crazy physical urges. get over it and dont be so sensitive. I'd rather waste your energy on figuring a way how to satisfy the guy in bed, if you want to keep him insterested solely in you.
Rate this post positively
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