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Old 08-25-2012, 12:10 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,381,087 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Msmommy22 View Post
Has anyone ever tried to make a relationship work for the sake of the children? I know they need their dad in their lives but in the end it is making me depressed. I been dealing with him since 2009 and things just keep getting worse and worse. He is one of those people who doesn't want someone but doesn't want anyone else to have me either. He feels he can do whatever while I am stuck with the kids all of the time. Then, I always have to put on this front in front of his family like we are happy when we are not. I am tired of dealing with this but I don't want to mess up the kids relationship that they do have with him - when he is around. I am young but I deserve to be happy as well. I don't think I can deal with this for 18 years. What have others in this situation done?
Kids can pick up on the unhappiness behind the front. They can pick up on the fact that someone's putting up a front. Kids can be very intuitive. So parents aren't always doing kids a favor by staying together.
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Old 08-25-2012, 12:14 AM
 
15,013 posts, read 21,606,283 times
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I have asked older kids about this and they all said they would be happier when their parents split up, especially if they know the parents are unhappy. They don't want to see their parents unhappy. It's when the kids don't know that the parents are unhappy (because the parents are good at hiding it) and then the parents split that the kids are devastated. Either way, kids want to continue seeing both parents and know that both parents love them.

Last edited by srjth; 08-25-2012 at 12:55 AM..
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Old 08-25-2012, 12:52 AM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,565,345 times
Reputation: 22474
Quote:
Originally Posted by Msmommy22 View Post
Has anyone ever tried to make a relationship work for the sake of the children? I know they need their dad in their lives but in the end it is making me depressed. I been dealing with him since 2009 and things just keep getting worse and worse. He is one of those people who doesn't want someone but doesn't want anyone else to have me either. He feels he can do whatever while I am stuck with the kids all of the time. Then, I always have to put on this front in front of his family like we are happy when we are not. I am tired of dealing with this but I don't want to mess up the kids relationship that they do have with him - when he is around. I am young but I deserve to be happy as well. I don't think I can deal with this for 18 years. What have others in this situation done?
Did you ever love him? Was there really never anything there?

I wonder if it's the pressures of a young family, work and kids, and if you and your husband lost something along the way, something that could possibly be revived?

I almost never recommend counseling, but I wonder if you should consider it.
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Old 08-25-2012, 12:55 AM
 
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,691 posts, read 41,629,721 times
Reputation: 41324
Quote:
Originally Posted by silverbelles
Here: I have a 17 year old brother who was raised by our single mom, and our grandmother to an extent. He is very respectful towards women and he is very close to our grandmother. On the flip side, he is protective of our mother because he does not want any unworthy man to get close to her. It's cute to see.

As for your husband? F*ck him, seriously. If he doesn't want to see his children then he can go kick rocks. My brother and I had a father who liked to appear in our lives at *his* leisure and we're a little messed up because of it. Your boys will be much, much better off with a loving mother who is willing to risk a marriage to ensure that they have the best life possible. Should you choose to divorce, they'll be upset now, naturally, but after they mature and see their father for who his really is they will thank you when they get older.
This. I had a very identical experience. My parents divorcing was probably the smartest thing my mother ever decided to do.
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Old 08-25-2012, 01:17 AM
 
1,841 posts, read 3,168,365 times
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Directed towards the Op..

Aside from the fact that studies have been made regarding parents whom stayed in it for the kids show more detrimental effects towards the children than anything else.
HAVING children is a gift period with the intent to do good.
There is no real depiction of the perfect family..
There are some marriages that last and the children can come out very good or bad.. This is not or should not be the determination for staying in a relationship.

Children will learn by what is shoved down their throats or by what is seen.

I..E. A child whom witnesses domestic violence can go two ways..they can grow up to be a batterer or they can grown up to be a victim or they can grow up with the proper intervention? They can break the cycle.

I grew up in a loving home, my parents have been married for 42 years and my dad was an alcoholic and I grew up knowing what that was and there was intervention and that staved off ill effects and there was a model.

Children know your relationship is in trouble often before you do. Children are still relying on non verbal cues and know unhappiness and take guilt upon themselves long before you face the issue.

They ( children) do not know the adult world and will almost internalize the issues and make them about them.
So if you are thinking you are doing a favor for your kids? You are wrong, you are showing them how to deal with issues, you are teaching them inadvertently what to deal with and these issues are okay and something to be dealt with instead of being healthy and stating “I deserve happiness†and look for the best and demand the best
I am not saying divorce is always the way to go but if the good gets outweighed by the bad? Then the decision should not be tolerated simply because there are children in the equation
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Old 08-25-2012, 05:37 AM
 
Location: Way up high
22,237 posts, read 29,269,623 times
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A) This is why I don't ever want kids
B) I would NEVER stay in a relationship for the sake of the kids
C) I love my cat
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Old 08-25-2012, 05:58 AM
 
Location: NY
9,131 posts, read 19,944,891 times
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I get the feeling we really do not know the whole story here.

That said, if you and your SO are that unhappy together, do not stay together.

It is true that children thrive more when they have both mother and father involved in their lives. That doesn't mean their mother and father must live under the same roof, miserable, always at each other's throats. Even if you leave, he certainly can (and hopefully will) still be in the kids lives.
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Old 08-25-2012, 06:29 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,665 posts, read 69,567,744 times
Reputation: 26727
Quote:
Originally Posted by Msmommy22 View Post
I know if we split he is going to want nothing to do with them at all.
I don't understand how you can "know" that at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Msmommy22 View Post
This is all good advice from everyone. After I am out of this relationship though I do not plan on seeking another one. I would rather be single and unhappy than in a relationship and unhappy. With three kids the only people who are going to want me are those who have nothing going for themselves and just want to spend my money. That would be worst than what I am dealing with now.
Single does NOT equate to being unhappy. And the "only people" who will want you aren't those who have "nothing going for themselves and just want to spend my money". You seem to be under a lot of negative assumptions which need to be sorted out ... I suggest you go for professional counseling and if your husband refuses to join you then go by yourself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bicoastal10 View Post
OP, just have an open relationship. You date and see who you want and your husband can do the same, but you two still live together.

Win win for everyone.
Rubbish. You really think that's a good example to set for the children?

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter View Post
I had a very identical experience. My parents divorcing was probably the smartest thing my mother ever decided to do.
Happens a lot. Divorce is a last resort and I do think every effort should be made to open up the lines of communication before giving up but (as has been said) growing up in this sort of an environment is extremely damaging to your children.
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Old 08-27-2012, 01:18 AM
 
1,841 posts, read 3,168,365 times
Reputation: 2512
Quote:
Originally Posted by Msmommy22 View Post
Has anyone ever tried to make a relationship work for the sake of the children? I know they need their dad in their lives but in the end it is making me depressed. I been dealing with him since 2009 and things just keep getting worse and worse. He is one of those people who doesn't want someone but doesn't want anyone else to have me either. He feels he can do whatever while I am stuck with the kids all of the time. Then, I always have to put on this front in front of his family like we are happy when we are not. I am tired of dealing with this but I don't want to mess up the kids relationship that they do have with him - when he is around. I am young but I deserve to be happy as well. I don't think I can deal with this for 18 years. What have others in this situation done?
I guess I forgot to add that I have been in this situation before and it was a hard decision to make.

Divorce is never easy, it can be ugly, it rings the ugliest part of a person out.
Divorce is not always the answer however if everything else has been tried? Divorce can be the only option.
It is not about needing freedom, feeling stifled, these things can and should be worked out if two people are willing to try.
Infidelity is always the wrong way to go and once this happens? You are lost for this can never be taken back, so please discount what the other poster said.
IT is ridiculous and self destructive behavior to think that by ignoring your issues and simply cheating and getting your needs met elsewhere is the answer. It is only putting a band aid on the situation, it is temporary. Not to mention that when you cheat on your spouse you also cheat on your children.
It would mean you are teaching your children that this is what adults do when the going gets tough.
I have always thought of cheating while married as h"How would I feel if Ifound out my husband or SO was cheating on me?" I know I would feel horrible, if you can honestly say you do not care? Then you should not be with this person.
Where it pertains to children? I always think "How would I feel if my son's future wife or SO cheated on him?" I would hurt for my son..this is not something I would wish for anyone.

If there is emotional abuse, physical abuse and so forth? If your SO is unwilling to get therapy with you? Then I honestly do not see staying in it to win it so to speak.

I know a personal story that I recall a good friend telling me about her aunt whom is in her late 60's..
My friends aunt had the same "philosophy" about staying with her emotionally abusive and cheating husband which was to stay with the man until her children were grown and out of the home.

The kids have been out of the home for some time now and have gone on to marry and divorce and remarry and she has many grandchildren. She stated to my friend awhile back, "Had I known the kids would be fine, had I know the freedom and peace I have now? Had I known my children would divorce even though I was still married to their father?" "I would have taken me and my kids away a long time ago" "I could have met someone else, I could have found happiness but now I am an old woman and that ship sailed."
MY good friend stated this to me because she was speaking to her aunt when she was having problems with her hubby, thank goodness her hubby realized that my friend was about to walk out the door and agreed to counseling.
SO I hope this helps you out some and I wish you all the best.
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Old 08-27-2012, 02:16 AM
 
16,488 posts, read 24,437,936 times
Reputation: 16339
DON'T stay together because of the kids. The kids know you are unhappy. It isn't fair to them or to yourself to be in a loveless marriage. He can still see the kids when you are gone. Life is too short to be in a miserable marriage, I know this personally. Get out or have him leave and get on with your life.
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