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Lately she has been throwing fits when I say no to buying things. Last month she REALLY wanted to go on a beach vacation and I refused because we are moving soon. I want to make sure we have enough for security deposit and moving expenses. We found a place and I paid for all of the security deposit and first months rent out of my own pocket.
Last night really pissed me off because we were at TJ Maxxx and she was really nudging me to buy a $12 rug. I simply told her "no, if you want it you buy it." She was clearly upset and I laid it on her that I paid over 2 grand upfront out of my own pocket for this new place and I'm not spending anymore. She got the point but things are a bit awkward now.
I'm upset because I believe she takes my generosity for granted. I never sit on a high horse and make her feel beneath me or make it known "I paid for that!"
I'd also like to know how she "throws a fit". I'm curious what your definition of this is.
You stated she REALLY wanted to go on a beach vacation. Is she being demanding? Was she saying "I really want to go on vacation so YOU need to pay for it so we can do that!" How was she pitching that fit? Sometimes it's perception. My husband told me to turn the attitude off one day because I wasn't my usual chatty self with him, when in reality I was as happy as could be, up until that moment..lol.
Also, how was she really nudging you for the rug? What did she do that made it obvious she was clearly upset? Is she not allowed to be disapointed in life? AND, you say you never sit on your high horse, but in public at TJ Max you "laid it on her" that you paid over 2 grand up front. I'm sorry, that behavior absolutely demonstrates that you think she is beneath you. If my husband ever did that I'd walk out of the store and leave his ass there.
I talked to her yesterday in a calm respectful fashion. I explained that I don't like my generosity taken for granted and I'm far from stingy like many of our mutual friends. I told her we are adults and need to be conscious of our finances and futures. Just because either of us have money doesn't mean it should be spent on things we don't need. During the conversation she got it and said "so you're saying I'm a spoiled brat?" I just said "I didn't say that" but she got the point. She agreed that we need to budget and I'm glad that no low blows were taken or any feelings were hurt.
I'm also trying to get her to be more responsible with her own money. When there's a big amount in her bank account it's like Christmas Morning and she can't keep her hands off it. I've convinced her to double her 401k contribution. That way she'll never see the money and it's invested towards her future.
Money is always a touchy subject because of our upbringings. I grew up in a well off family while her family struggles financially. Her impulsiveness and entitlement comes more from her father moreso than me spoiling her. Her father and mother don't earn much but he "Keeps Up With The Joneses." If a friend gets a new TV he HAS to have a better one, if his brother buys a new car he MUST buy a newer better car. Her parents BARELY make it paycheck to paycheck and have no retirement. I so bad want to say "You don't want to end up like your parents in your 60's with no savings or retirement" but that would be a super low blow.
Seems like you guys are on the right path. A lot of people that are really bad with money come from families who were also really bad with money. I'm not the biggest saver in the world - but I do really well with our finances. Both my parents were excellent with their finances. It helps when you grow up having a good example.
Yes. The spoiling should be even. Women claim they are independent so let her be. The way u start a relationship is the way u have to continue it. You can't start out taking her to a 5 star restaurant and later take her to burger king. Keep the money u spend on her as low as possible
Yes. The spoiling should be even. Women claim they are independent so let her be. The way u start a relationship is the way u have to continue it.
Compared to now, we were in both VERY different situations when we started. We started dating in college. I didn't have the money back then as I do now. So it's not like I've been enabling her since the beginning.
Compared to now, we were in both VERY different situations when we started. We started dating in college. I didn't have the money back then as I do now. So it's not like I've been enabling her since the beginning.
I'm talking about her expectations. If u start spoiling her she will always expect it.
Don't marry this girl until she proves without a shadow of a doubt she can manage her money. Show her how now, but if she doesn't seem to get it, then step out of the relationship. You DO NOT want to be in a position down the road, if you are still primarily the bread winner, AND baby-sitting your wifes finances. Possible future: 2.5 kids, car payment, mortgage, misc bills, everything swell. Then you get sick, or injured....no work. Those bills alone are gonna kick your butt even if she DOES become responsable with money. What's gonna happen if she still can't? You guys will burn through whatever YOU have saved in no time.
And yes...stop spoiling her. Stop letting her stomp her feet and pout to get what she wants. Actually, let her. Just don't fall for it. I have a 4 year old neice doing the same thing right now. I'm not trying to say stop doing nice things for her. Suprise presents make my wife so happy, but they ain't nothing fancy (much like my writting lol). I fill in the spaces between presents with being a gentleman. In 8 years, she hasn't had to open a door to a building, or a car if I'm around. She hasn't gotten wet from the rain if I can help it. I get wet, not her. Things like that.
Good luck man. Just stand your ground, or she'll never learn.
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