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My parents were not the nicest people to me growing up, so I hit the road as soon as I graduated from high school. Yeah, holidays can be tough because they are centered around family...blah blah blah. I do the Happy Whatever calls, not because I feel I have to, but because I want too.
Rather than dwell on what I don't have, I chose to create new memories with people who I like to be around and who treat me nicely. You can choose who to let into your life. Make peace with the fact that you were dealt a hand in your younger years, but do not let that define you. They cannot hurt you anymore, unless you let them.
As I see it, one of the problems you're facing is how your relationship with your siblings will be once you have a confrontation with your parents. I assume you're the oldest. Have your siblings seen the abuse? Have you confided your relationship to any of them? Do you have any other relatives you can talk to? Right now your fears of what might happen are creating stress. If you could talk to other family members and/or relatives, you might be able to get an idea of what your parents think they know. At some point you will need to communicate your relationship with your parents and they may be able to help lessen the confrontation.
My siblings saw it all. The thing is, my mom wasn't always so mean. I have good memories from being a young child. But at some point, things shifted and my mother started directing a lot of her anger towards me. She'd always take discipline a step too far, call me names, continued beating me well into my teens, and for a long time, I thought everyone's parents spoke to them like this.
She's always treated my siblings differently than she did me, and now, she's just too old to deal with disciplining my youngest brother, who is the only child still at home. But she still harbors these nasty feelings toward me, and it's just exhausting being the black sheep.
So stop being the black sheep. Stop giving her all that power over your life. You need a LOT of therapy to deal with this, but ultimately the choice is YOURS. So far, all I see from you is rationalizing why you won't stand up for yourself (siblings at home, awkwardness, blah blah).
As for the immediate issue, if you are old enough to be cohabitating, you are old enough to deal with the consequences -- history of abuse aside. In the immediate future, tell your parents that's not a good time for you and avoid the visit. Then find a great therapist and GO!
I'm not making excuses. I've largely removed myself from the situation. However, as another poster mentioned, it gets a little hard around birthdays or holidays, any event where you see normal families. I've largely dealt with the abuse, but once in a while, issues like this one will crop up and bring a lot of old things up.
I've largely dealt with the abuse, but once in a while, issues like this one will crop up and bring a lot of old things up.
Which is how you know you're not done with the therapy. You got physically ill, fercryingoutloud. You're on a public forum asking for advice. Hon, you've done well to get where you are, but you are NOT done. Get thee back to a therapist.
Which is how you know you're not done with the therapy. You got physically ill, fercryingoutloud. You're on a public forum asking for advice. Hon, you've done well to get where you are, but you are NOT done. Get thee back to a therapist.
I have a different opinion about therapists but that is for another thread. If therapy works for you continue going but please don't stay with the same therapist if they really are not doing you any good. I have a friend who continues to go to a therapist because she likes her and they are friends it does not matter that the therapist is not doing what she is being paid to do and actually help my friend get better.
My siblings saw it all. The thing is, my mom wasn't always so mean. I have good memories from being a young child. But at some point, things shifted and my mother started directing a lot of her anger towards me. She'd always take discipline a step too far, call me names, continued beating me well into my teens, and for a long time, I thought everyone's parents spoke to them like this.
She's always treated my siblings differently than she did me, and now, she's just too old to deal with disciplining my youngest brother, who is the only child still at home. But she still harbors these nasty feelings toward me, and it's just exhausting being the black sheep.
Assaulting a teenage girl, now that is ugly and that on it's own has pushed it past the point of no return.
Now when your parents turn up make sure you are out with your fiance only home, he can tell your mother that you will become his WIFE and each of you will of course be each others next of kin.
He is your fiance and it is HIS job to wade in to sort these matters out.
On a somewhat different note, I've done some reading and research on this, and there are a TON of books on 'toxic parents' and 'mean moms'. Apparently, and very unfortunately, I'm not the only one with this bizarre dynamic with my mom. The case studies are sometimes eerily similar, and sometimes a lot worse. But there's a theme of jealous, manipulative moms there.
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hand in your younger years, but do not let that define you. They cannot hurt you anymore, unless you let them.
