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I have to assume that if a relationship is essentially dead (considering divorce) but there is not "friction" of sorts to talk about, there are other damaging underlying things that HAVE to be going on.
A boy who never sees physical contact, loving embraces or exchanges...is he really that much better off then the one viewing verbal lashings etc? Probably not. He's going to grow up assuming LTR's really dont involve day to day or any physical or emotional exchanges between husband and wife.
I've dated men whose parents stayed together until the kids went off to college-then they got divorced. They tend to be disconnected. They cant quite figure out whats missing (because his parents were together his WHOLE childhood)-but there is some disconnect. Doesn't understand that women need affection, positive affirmation, love etc-because his mom didn't request it and his father didn't show it.
I think there is a lot more to consider here then just-it cant hurt the kids just to "tough it out" until their a little older (out of the house).
Excellent point. Children learn a lot from how their parents interact, about how to interact in a loving relationship. Giving children an example of a faked relationship is going to skew how they believe relationships should be like later in life.
As was already stated, I think many, if not most, people that do this, are not in "abusive" relationships where there is a harmful environment for the kids. The couple may not be in love anymore, but they love their kids and they place the children's interests over their own. If the environment is a peaceful one, then I see nothing wrong with it.
I am going to respectfully disagree. I do see your point, and I think it has merit, but for the sake of discussion, what is wrong with it is that you are setting an example for your children that marriage is not about love. That it is nothing more than a binding contract.
What else is wrong with it is that it (potentially) lays a lot of guilt on the child, when later in life, they realized that they are the reason that their parents did not pursue their own happiness.
I do believe in "trying at all costs to work it out" for "the sake of the kids", but once it's determined that it's over, for whatever reason, I think it's probably most healthy to be honest and open to the children, to be sensitive of their current state, and to move on.
I speak from experience. When my wife and I finally separated, it caused some immediate pain, but very soon my daughter started growing as a person. Her relationship with both parents has improved, and most importantly, she can now realize some consistency. While rules might be different at one place or another, she knows where she is, and what the rules are at that place.
Like most things, it's a complex question, with no "right answer". But what I typed is based on my experience, and has worked fairly well for our family.
Excellent point. Children learn a lot from how their parents interact, about how to interact in a loving relationship. Giving children an example of a faked relationship is going to skew how they believe relationships should be like later in life.
I'll bet there are many of us grownup posters who lived that and know just what you mean.
Don't have time to read all responses, but I always wonder, when I hear something like this, why people consider only two options: divorce, or making their kids live in a miserable environment with both parents? (Almost always used as an excuse to bail on the marriage).
Third option: BOTH parents grow up, get counseling, and learn how to treat each other with love and respect and to honor the vows that they made to each other so that their kids, who need this, can watch what a successful marriage looks like and feel secure and happy.
Options one and two are easier, but aren't your kids worth trying for option three?
If in the early days - I would have taken my foolish young wife's suggestion...and left the family home- My kids would have turned into white trash- so I slithered back in and stayed till the kids were fully grown...It was not perfect - but both the woman and I believed in family...When I was out of the house for a short period...she would say..."It is better to have him around- he keeps the riff raff away" _ My job was to provide security..and safety to for my kids...to give fatherly protection...no one harmed my kids...They were never molested or brought any other injury....Of course it is better to stay for the sake of the kids- You make your bed you sleep in it...You bring them into the world- YOU and the WOMAN are responsible- and you put your own flighty needs aside. AND- you keep things civil.
I can imagine a lot of reasons, the primary one being that people hope the relationship will change for the better. I also think it's naive to discount finances from the situation--maintaining two households without drastically reducing your current standard of living, particularly when childcare costs are involved, is a lot more than one.
I'm the child of divorced parents and I can say without a doubt I grew up in a healthier environment for it, even though there was some struggle. But I can understand why people try to keep a sinking ship afloat, too.
I am going to respectfully disagree. I do see your point, and I think it has merit, but for the sake of discussion, what is wrong with it is that you are setting an example for your children that marriage is not about love. That it is nothing more than a binding contract.
What else is wrong with it is that it (potentially) lays a lot of guilt on the child, when later in life, they realized that they are the reason that their parents did not pursue their own happiness.
I do believe in "trying at all costs to work it out" for "the sake of the kids", but once it's determined that it's over, for whatever reason, I think it's probably most healthy to be honest and open to the children, to be sensitive of their current state, and to move on.
I speak from experience. When my wife and I finally separated, it caused some immediate pain, but very soon my daughter started growing as a person. Her relationship with both parents has improved, and most importantly, she can now realize some consistency. While rules might be different at one place or another, she knows where she is, and what the rules are at that place.
Like most things, it's a complex question, with no "right answer". But what I typed is based on my experience, and has worked fairly well for our family.
The important thing to remember is that we are all coming at this question through the filters formed from our own experiences
The reality is, when there are kids involved in an unhappy, unsuccessful marriage, there are no "good" answers about what to do, only less damaging ones - and that is relative to each individual family.
I think it's extremely reckless (when there is a 50% divorce rate) to bring a child into this world if you are not prepared to raise it (time, expenses, love etc) by yourself, if the situation arises.
I don't want to put the children through a divorce. I don't want to go through a divorce. I don't want to lose the opportunity to raise my boys. That's pretty much it.
Seriously- that short statement bring a tear to my eye....it is completely reasonable...When my young wife suggested one time that was should part...I thought the hell with that...I am not some modern systems chump...I did not bring kids into the world to be some jerk in the driveway on weekends...who brings a wad of cash like a tribute to a gangster....People must get along- besides- try loving your partner whether they love you or not does not matter...again----what LUCARIO writes is so sweet- this is a good person. The children will do well.
I do believe in "trying at all costs to work it out" for "the sake of the kids", but once it's determined that it's over, for whatever reason, I think it's probably most healthy to be honest and open to the children, to be sensitive of their current state, and to move on.
Like most things, it's a complex question, with no "right answer". But what I typed is based on my experience, and has worked fairly well for our family.
I think this is where it becomes very difficult for a lot of parents though. They don't want to admit that it's over. They keep chugging along, thinking eventually it might get better, or maybe it's not that bad so they can endure it. Maybe they just don't have the courage to stand up and say "we tried, it's over" and sometimes the marrital relationship has broken them down so much, they don't feel they are deserving of real love and/or personal happiness.
Your situation worked well for your family, but I'm sure it was a difficult decision to make. A lot of people don't want to make that decision becaues then THEY are responsible if their children become worse off afterwards. It's easier for them not to adress the issue and not take that step to leave.
I'm not saying that's right...but I think there is a lot of fear in deciding to seperate because they are stepping into the unknown. They KNOW what life is like now, but they don't want to cause it to be worse. I've read posts on this board that ellude to this so it seems it's a prominent factor in why they stay.
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