Dating a Muslim as a non-Muslim (Christian, marriage, women, love)
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I met this amazing woman who happens to be a Muslim from Bangladesh. We have been talking for several weeks now and the subject of having a relationship finally came up yesterday. We both really like each other and, despite our cultural differences, get along great. Here's the issue though. As a practicing Muslim, she says that she cannot have intimate contact with a man until she is married. Okay, in my mind, if I meet the right woman, I would probably be alright with waiting to sleep with her until marriage. But in this particular case, there is no touching at all. That means no hugging, no kissing, no holding hands, etc.
Is it me, or does that defeat the purpose of an intimate relationship? I feel that by entering into a relationship with this woman would be no different than just continuing to be friends with her. So why cut off my opportunities to be with a woman that would allow me to be physically affectionate and intimate with?
I personally have nothing against her practicing of Islam. If anything, I would be curious to learn about it. But I feel that these self-imposed constraints defy human nature. We are emotional, affectionate creatures after all. I think that Muslims possibly view relationships in a much different way than other cultures and religions. I think they see relationships strictly as a means to an end: having a family. I just don't understand how you can void out intimacy when that is at least 50% of what a relationship is.
Anyone else have experience with a similar situation? How did you deal with it?
I think that Muslims possibly view relationships in a much different way than other cultures and religions.
Noooooo, really? Ya don't say.
Seriously. Not to be harsh, but maybe you should do a little bit of reading on Islam. I mean, it has only been in the news nearly every day since September 11, 2001, such that tomes have been written about it from every conceivable angle. Surely you could at least do a search on the Internet, where you will find out that not only is physical touching forbidden, it is frowned upon for a dating couple even to be alone together without a chaperone. If she is now American, she may participate in Halal dating, which you should also research. Egads, you might even ask her about all of this.
Honestly? I'd say this relationship is going nowhere. If her family adheres stringently to Muslim beliefs, they will have apoplexy that you are not Muslim, and they will make your life a living hell if you don't convert. They certainly would not allow her to marry you, and if they are really out there in the land of religious fundamentalist freakism, they will forbid her from even dating you in the first place. If she goes against their wishes they will punish her. You might want to read up on what happens with that, too, should her family consist of extremists.
There are millions and millions of other women with whom you would not have to deal with any of this. My advice is to go find one.
Last edited by Lilac110; 09-24-2012 at 10:47 AM..
Reason: typo
I believe she cannot/will not move quickly enough for you. There is nothing inherently wrong with what you are saying, but there is also some degree of justification for what YOU want in what you are saying.
I believe that if this is her belief system, you have no right to really do more than question it, and if her answer is NO, then you have NO right to demand "logical answers" regarding this particular difference of opinion and belief.
I believe that this is an unfortunate pairing doomed to frustration and eventual end, whether now for walking away from it, or later despite one of you doing something foolish (whether her attempting to walk away from her beliefs and later regretting it, or you for catering to her beliefs by "going thru the motions" and later regretting your insincerity).
For you this breaking of religious beliefs is "no big deal" because these are not beliefs you hold. It's not that you have no respect for them or wish to disregard them -- so long as things can go YOUR way (that is not insult; that is human nature); it's that you do not take them seriously for yourself, consider them "fine" for her. It's a difficult thing to quantify. You wish to understand, for her sake (as well as for your own since you wish to be near her); you wish to share in things because you care enough to at least TRY -- the inevitable pitfall being that subconsciously you also would expect the same of her attempting to understand your "beliefs" -- beliefs which coincidentally allow you to get into her pants.
Again, I am NOT saying that as insult; I am pointing out human nature and non-Muslim belief with regard to this little slice of Southwest Asia, this gem you've encountered.
I know you want a solution but the fact of the matter is you've reached a bit of an impasse, one where either YOU give in and accept her rules with regard to physical things outside of marriage (and if you think that's a doozy, wait until you need to convert to Islam in order to please her family [editor's note: I am NOT holding my breath on that one]) or she jeopardizes her own belief system and/or stance and gives in to physical contact with you.
Maybe she holds out, and maybe she doesn't; maybe you're sincere in this endeavor, and maybe right now your Johnson is ruling your forebrain.
Either way, I don't predict mutually satisfactory culmination of this. But best of luck to you.
I do not believe her parents are Muslim. From what she told me about them, they already know about me and they are very accepting that I am both American and a non-practicing Muslim. She just started practicing Islam fairly recently herself, as I believe prior to that she was more closely tied to Christianity.
To bring up that we've hearing about Islam since September 11, 2001 is quite unfair to say the least. Obviously what has been presented in the media is radical extremism which does not paint the picture of Islam as a whole. In terms of how they view such things as touching and intimacy, I believe that is probably more of an individual choice to adhere. As we see with most religions, people tend to pick and choose which "rules" they want to abide by anyway.
That said, I do believe that this particular set of beliefs in the religion is backwards. In fact, I don't know if it could ever have been considered progressive. It clearly defies the human nature to be close and affectionate with those you care about.
I personally have nothing against her practicing of Islam. If anything, I would be curious to learn about it. But I feel that these self-imposed constraints defy human nature. We are emotional, affectionate creatures after all. I think that Muslims possibly view relationships in a much different way than other cultures and religions. I think they see relationships strictly as a means to an end: having a family. I just don't understand how you can void out intimacy when that is at least 50% of what a relationship is.
Anyone else have experience with a similar situation? How did you deal with it?
Muslim women in the end of the day are still women. They may have more psychological barriers on average than western women (though you might be surprised) but then all psychological barriers are penetrable.
If you really like this girl, and can see this lasting to the future but your only hang-up is the sex/intimacy then I'd suggest getting another girl on the DL and proceed with her. Muslim women can be very loyal and forgiving in the future, a great trait to hold onto in a woman.
Muslim women in the end of the day are still women. They may have more psychological barriers on average than western women (though you might be surprised) but then all psychological barriers are penetrable.
If you really like this girl, and can see this lasting to the future but your only hang-up is the sex/intimacy then I'd suggest getting another girl on the DL and proceed with her. Muslim women can be very loyal and forgiving in the future, a great trait to hold onto in a woman.
Yes, I think I will pass on that suggestion. She is a great girl, but she has made it clear that she will not tolerate such things as cheating. I couldn't forgive myself either, especially if I grew to really care and love her. Imagine the guilt I would feel for many years.
If it was just sex she wanted to wait for, I could probably make that work. But not being able to touch at all is where I must draw the line unfortunately. It is quite unfortunate, as I believe that I could have been with her for a very long period. We share many of the same values and seemingly get along great.
So is her family not Muslim, but she herself has converted? That makes a big difference if that's the case. You won't have the issues with her family if they are not even Muslim. What religion are they, if any?
Yes, I think I will pass on that suggestion. She is a great girl, but she has made it clear that she will not tolerate such things as cheating. I couldn't forgive myself either, especially if I grew to really care and love her. Imagine the guilt I would feel for many years.
If it was just sex she wanted to wait for, I could probably make that work. But not being able to touch at all is where I must draw the line unfortunately. It is quite unfortunate, as I believe that I could have been with her for a very long period. We share many of the same values and seemingly get along great.
You realize even in strict muslim societies like KSA (Saudi Arabia) women have pre-marital sex? It's all hush hush but it happens. And it happens much more amongst Muslims in the States. Maybe you just picked a tough cookie but I'm severely doubting she's going to prevent touching/kissing before marriage. If she actually does, then she'll probably get married super fast
My suggestion, give her some time. If it begins to be a problem, walk off and find someone else. But 2 weeks should be enough.
So is her family not Muslim, but she herself has converted? That makes a big difference if that's the case. You won't have the issues with her family if they are not even Muslim. What religion are they, if any?
I'll have to find out, I'm not completely sure. I am thinking they are Christian. She told me that she just recently started practicing Islam after she had studied it more and grew to understand it better. However, she did tell me that she has spoke to her parents about me already and that they are accepting of the idea that I'm American and non-Muslim.
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