U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-19-2012, 12:19 AM
 
14,743 posts, read 32,174,111 times
Reputation: 8915

Advertisements

To the point.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-19-2012, 01:15 AM
 
Location: Durham, NC
2,305 posts, read 2,756,706 times
Reputation: 2773
Quote:
Originally Posted by kat949 View Post
Paranoia. If people use it against you, then you benefit to see them for their true colors. You can then decide and chose where you stand in their battle, and also chose not to be a part of it.

Fear can mess with people's minds in so many ways. Seriously- face it.

I've seen people lose jobs after being backstabbed by those they confided in. I've seen friends turned against friends the same way. Always be careful what you tell someone about yourself. We all have something we aren't proud of. Keep things on a "need to know" basis for awhile with a new friend or coworker. See how they handle other people's secrets, whether they manipulate others, etc. They won't keep your secret any better than they do with others.

Example: A friend had some really embarassing issues in his past. A coworker he'd just met came on like he was a great Christian brother. Unsuspecting, my buddy confided a few things. It was out within the hour. He didn't get fired but he couldn't face other people there & left that day. He kept telling me "he was a Christian brother, what made him tell that?". I reminded him that the guy may have been a Christian in name only, may have been new to the faith, may have been a self righteous Pharisee type, etc. He learned a hard lesson that day.

This is not fear or paranoia, this is common sense & survival. Never confide secrets to someone you just met.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-20-2012, 12:14 PM
 
1,922 posts, read 3,813,654 times
Reputation: 1341
Very true!

I have always been so self conscious about these scars I have from an accident.

So when I confided in my boyfriend (now ex-bf) and showed him and told him what happened, then he talked about how hideous they were when we got in an argument, I had to let him go!

And I was extremely hurt.

I'm never taking off my clothes for a guy ever again!
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-20-2012, 12:18 PM
 
Location: Central North Carolina
1,335 posts, read 3,035,190 times
Reputation: 2138
Quote:
Originally Posted by kat949 View Post
Paranoia. If people use it against you, then you benefit to see them for their true colors. You can then decide and chose where you stand in their battle, and also chose not to be a part of it.

Fear can mess with people's minds in so many ways. Seriously- face it.
My dad always used to say "Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean that everyone ISN'T out to get me."

Funny statement, but if you think about it, it's pretty sage advice.

The OP is good advice, I sometimes need to learn to **** and follow it.....
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-20-2012, 12:24 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,881 posts, read 73,988,932 times
Reputation: 22693
Quote:
Originally Posted by jmellc View Post
I've seen people lose jobs after being backstabbed by those they confided in. I've seen friends turned against friends the same way. Always be careful what you tell someone about yourself. We all have something we aren't proud of. Keep things on a "need to know" basis for awhile with a new friend or coworker. See how they handle other people's secrets, whether they manipulate others, etc. They won't keep your secret any better than they do with others.

Example: A friend had some really embarassing issues in his past. A coworker he'd just met came on like he was a great Christian brother. Unsuspecting, my buddy confided a few things. It was out within the hour. He didn't get fired but he couldn't face other people there & left that day. He kept telling me "he was a Christian brother, what made him tell that?". I reminded him that the guy may have been a Christian in name only, may have been new to the faith, may have been a self righteous Pharisee type, etc. He learned a hard lesson that day.

This is not fear or paranoia, this is common sense & survival. Never confide secrets to someone you just met.
One of the biggest lessons I learned in life was having an older coworker befriend me and then backstab me. The whole time, she was simply gathering info so she could use it against me to get promoted into the job I was in line for. Complicated situation, but all the while, I thought she was "helping me" and all she was doing is snooping, pointing out what mistakes I had made while in a learning curve, and "proving" that she not only had "rescued me and been such a wonderful mentor," she actually was more suited for the job. I was young and totally naive and had no clue what was transpiring. Luckily, a friend who happened to work at the same company and had a history w/ my "mentor" saw what was going on and intervened in time for me to recoup from any damage my friendly volunteer "mentor" had caused.

That was shocking but I learned that just b/c someone can seem so interested and helpful, it doesn't mean they are genuine and it may mean they have a completely hidden agenda that includes my downfall.

Best to be be very careful about who you confide in, trust or even share info with. It can certainly be used against you, even by people who appear to be on "your team."
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-21-2012, 12:30 AM
 
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
10,935 posts, read 11,000,781 times
Reputation: 13147
Being truly open and vulnerable has many personal and relationship benefits, but yes it is risky. Appearing open and vulnerable can work on potential enemies who are aggressive, if you also have a plan to outflank and attack them once they have advanced into your vulnerable zone certain of victory.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-21-2012, 12:37 AM
 
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
10,935 posts, read 11,000,781 times
Reputation: 13147
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
One of the biggest lessons I learned in life was having an older coworker befriend me and then backstab me. The whole time, she was simply gathering info so she could use it against me to get promoted into the job I was in line for. Complicated situation, but all the while, I thought she was "helping me" and all she was doing is snooping, pointing out what mistakes I had made while in a learning curve, and "proving" that she not only had "rescued me and been such a wonderful mentor," she actually was more suited for the job. I was young and totally naive and had no clue what was transpiring. Luckily, a friend who happened to work at the same company and had a history w/ my "mentor" saw what was going on and intervened in time for me to recoup from any damage my friendly volunteer "mentor" had caused.

That was shocking but I learned that just b/c someone can seem so interested and helpful, it doesn't mean they are genuine and it may mean they have a completely hidden agenda that includes my downfall.

Best to be be very careful about who you confide in, trust or even share info with. It can certainly be used against you, even by people who appear to be on "your team."
Yes, it is too bad you didn't catch on. C'est la vie and live and learn.

These people are also the easiest trap, as when you give them an off-hand idea that is fatally flawed, but in a subtle way, and they present it to their boss as their own idea.

It may take a while for people like this to get their "just deserts" (if you can't stop them), but in my experience eventually it becomes clear to those who supervise them that ambition, alone, is poor substitute for talent.

I hope you have been able to repair the damage.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-21-2012, 01:28 AM
 
142 posts, read 181,088 times
Reputation: 376
confidentiality is sacred to me. i've had to find out the hard way, that even the people i trust, just can't be trusted to hold privacy and confidentiality to the same level of importance as i do. there always seems to be some person that they consider an exception....women will tell their husbands something i've asked them to keep private, because they 'tell their husband everything'....they never keep secrets from their husband. anything told to them in confidence is considered marital property. or they will tell a friend of theirs that doesn't know me, because....well afterall, that person doesn't know me, so it's somehow ok to tell them. or they somehow justify the telling of a confidence because...."well it was so long ago that you told me, i figured you were over that by now".

my mother is the most innocent and trusting person in the world. i trust her implicitly except i know she is so trusting of others, that she is easily manipulated into telling them stuff they are nosy about, believing they are as good hearted as she is.

i do not confide in anyone anymore....absolutely no-one. a phrase i am always mindful of if anyone ever says it to me: "don't tell (so and so) i told you this, but......" i usually stop a person if they begin a sentence with that phrase, and ask them not to tell me the rest. and i know to be very, very careful about what i say to them, or in front of them in the future.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-21-2012, 10:19 PM
 
Location: Durham, NC
2,305 posts, read 2,756,706 times
Reputation: 2773
Quote:
Originally Posted by nj21 View Post
Very true!

I have always been so self conscious about these scars I have from an accident.

So when I confided in my boyfriend (now ex-bf) and showed him and told him what happened, then he talked about how hideous they were when we got in an argument, I had to let him go!

And I was extremely hurt.

I'm never taking off my clothes for a guy ever again!
Yes, he was lowdown. But please hang in there & don't isolate yourself. There are lots of good men out there who won't be bothered by your scars.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-21-2012, 10:31 PM
 
Location: Durham, NC
2,305 posts, read 2,756,706 times
Reputation: 2773
Quote:
Originally Posted by cinnabar View Post
confidentiality is sacred to me. i've had to find out the hard way, that even the people i trust, just can't be trusted to hold privacy and confidentiality to the same level of importance as i do. there always seems to be some person that they consider an exception....women will tell their husbands something i've asked them to keep private, because they 'tell their husband everything'....they never keep secrets from their husband. anything told to them in confidence is considered marital property. or they will tell a friend of theirs that doesn't know me, because....well afterall, that person doesn't know me, so it's somehow ok to tell them. or they somehow justify the telling of a confidence because...."well it was so long ago that you told me, i figured you were over that by now".

my mother is the most innocent and trusting person in the world. i trust her implicitly except i know she is so trusting of others, that she is easily manipulated into telling them stuff they are nosy about, believing they are as good hearted as she is.

i do not confide in anyone anymore....absolutely no-one. a phrase i am always mindful of if anyone ever says it to me: "don't tell (so and so) i told you this, but......" i usually stop a person if they begin a sentence with that phrase, and ask them not to tell me the rest. and i know to be very, very careful about what i say to them, or in front of them in the future.
If someone starts to tell me something about himself, I remind him "you don't have to tell me this unless you want to". If he tells me, it stays between us. I am careful about people who like to talk in general. Not evil in itself but sometimes a born talker will "start the tape" and run everything on it before realizing "I wasn't supposed to tell that".
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 12:46 AM.

© 2005-2023, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top