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Old 09-19-2012, 08:45 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,295,459 times
Reputation: 40193

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Quote:
Originally Posted by blazejen View Post
Well, I did post here expecting and hoping not to be "validated" so thank you. And I'm not offended by anyone's thoughts, or I wouldn't have asked.

But, yea, I do think the past makes the person. lovesMountains, you put lied in quotes as if to suggest that the relevance of honesty is relative. That I cannot buy into. I don't want to have this dilemma, though, and it would be easier to dismiss it. I suppose, this issue, though, is in bed with a history of dishonesty during our relationship - not quite so extreme as having sex with someone while cohabitating - but nonetheless the slightest sign of dishonesty continuing on makes me pretty jumpy. I agree I'm having a strong reaction.
This reminds me of when a couple fights over who left the cap off the toothpaste, you know?

In other words, the fight is not REALLY about the toothpaste.

I was just about to ask you what else is going on to cause this extreme reaction in you, then you posted this - confirming for me that there ARE other issues.

Well, I appreciate your willingness to ask for objective opinions

Best of luck to you working out the trust issues in your relationship.
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Old 09-19-2012, 08:45 PM
 
1,259 posts, read 1,829,877 times
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History of dishonesty is something you need to address. Always address yourself before addressing the one you love. Just my suggestion. Wrong is wrong and yes lying is wrong. Make sure that you yourself have not assisted in creating an atmosphere where one does not feel comfortable being open and vulnerable to you without being harshly judged. Again, only you know the details. We can only advise you so far...
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Old 09-19-2012, 09:09 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,052 posts, read 106,836,948 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blazejen View Post
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Onglet. That is one side to lying. My preferred angle on it, though, is to tell the truth and it's up to the other person to make their choices accordingly. That's a core value of mine. And I just wish that was a value we shared. I really don't think it would be such a big deal if it hadn't been "such a big deal" to him that he had to lie about it. You know what I mean? Do you get that side of it?
Did you ask him why he'd felt the need to lie about it all this time? Does he still have a thing for her? Or maybe it was because he knew you didn't like her from the start? Has he made any gestures to make it up to you, been contrite, etc.?

You say there's been a history of dishonesty besides this one matter? Would he go to counseling with you so the two of you can heal that and move on?
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Old 09-19-2012, 09:20 PM
 
652 posts, read 1,048,444 times
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I'm unclear what the lie was about? Was it about him having dated someone before and not admitting it?
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Old 09-19-2012, 09:26 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,627,920 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blazejen View Post
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Onglet. That is one side to lying. My preferred angle on it, though, is to tell the truth and it's up to the other person to make their choices accordingly. That's a core value of mine. And I just wish that was a value we shared. I really don't think it would be such a big deal if it hadn't been "such a big deal" to him that he had to lie about it. You know what I mean? Do you get that side of it?
You can't dictate what other people will do. If you believe it is a grave sin to lie to you about something that occurred before you were dating, you should dump him. End of story. The only alternative involves you and unnecessary drama.
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Old 09-19-2012, 10:29 PM
 
770 posts, read 1,173,027 times
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You have no right to be angry with him over something he did before he was with you, but you do have a right to be pissed at him for lying. If this is going to cause you to question everything he says from now on, (for me it would) dump him. You don't need that.
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Old 09-19-2012, 10:40 PM
 
6,497 posts, read 11,767,413 times
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Would you have been happy if he replied, "none of your business." I doubt you would have, because you would then be demanding to know what it was he was "hiding."

Really, you're being ridiculous. Don't dump him. With all the drama you'll be creating, he'll dump you soon enough.
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Old 09-19-2012, 10:51 PM
 
12,535 posts, read 15,143,854 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blazejen View Post
When your SO comes clean about something they've lied to you about for years... what's the core of your response (whether hypothetical or experiential)? Are you (1) glad they finally told you the truth; (2) pi$$ed that they've lied for so long, which causes you to trust them less; (3) a combination of 1 and 2; (4) other.

I'm really looking for your thoughts. This has just happened - something this guy did with someone else before we were together. But I intuitively knew something had happened between him and this person I am disgusted by and I asked him periodically and he lied. And then last night I had a dream about it and told him about it and he finally came clean on it. I'm pretty angry because he lied for so long while it wouldn't have been a very big deal if he'd been honest. I really think he's trying to become a more honest person, but it's still hard to take the "old" lies.

Thoughts? WWYD?
My thoughts would be that in general, the offender should just keep his mouth shut. His punishment for lying to me is that he gets to live with the guilt. When people "come clean" it's never for the benefit of the other person. It's always to relieve their own guilty consciences.

Therefore, my answer would be 2, angry that he lied for so long.

However,
in your particular situation, you kind of deserve what you got. What he did with someone else before you got together with him is really none of your business, unless the person he did it with was, say, your sister (in which case she probably would have told you, anyway). Maybe he shouldn't have flat-out lied to you, but if I were him, I would have told you that it wasn't your concern.

A little tip for you: Most guys don't like being grilled on their previous girlfriends and encounters, especially early in the relationship. They don't want to risk hearing a woman's judgments on them, and they don't want to deal with the insecurity that often follows. After you've been together for a few years and everything is old-hat and you're buds as much as beloveds, sure, whatever. But unless you're ultra-secure and you don't mind risking ticking him off, "don't ask, don't tell" is a great policy to have for the first year.

Easier said than done, I know. In my early to mid 20s I asked a lot of questions I had no business asking, I really hated some of the answers I heard, and it showed, to the detriment of the romance. Live and learn.
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Old 09-20-2012, 02:40 AM
 
19,045 posts, read 25,110,362 times
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It's difficult to come to conclusions without knowing the full story. As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to my husband, I absolutely have the right to know whatever I feel necessary about his past. Why? Because I'm intelligent enough to know what is and what is not important about his past. Did he date this friend who now has HIV, an unclaimed child, who was a minor at the time, who is looking to stay with us for a spell, who is looking to borrow money, etc, who knows. If you plan on having a life with him it's your business. His reasons for lying have to be fleshed out before any decisions can be made. Although, it sounds like this person is in your life since the lie has been going on for years. That's a problem. Don't let the people on this board shame and drama you into thinking there is something wrong/off with you for having standards for yourself.

Last edited by Braunwyn; 09-20-2012 at 03:23 AM..
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Old 09-20-2012, 03:05 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,993 posts, read 8,892,899 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blazejen View Post
before we were together
Any sensible person knows that things which happen
Quote:
Originally Posted by blazejen View Post
before we were together
is none of their business, and any person who makes a fuss about something which happened
Quote:
Originally Posted by blazejen View Post
before we were together
frankly, has issues.

My crazy ex-wife was absolutely obsessed with things that happened
Quote:
Originally Posted by blazejen View Post
before we were together
and no matter what, she'd decided for herself what happened, and would not change her mind, and never ever believed me, despite the fact she was completely and utterly wrong.

Anyway, it was
Quote:
Originally Posted by blazejen View Post
before we were together
so it was none of her damn business.

But, she wouldn't let it lie, and let things which happened
Quote:
Originally Posted by blazejen View Post
before we were together
consume her. Eventually she became completely insecure and paranoid about it

Don't spend time focussing on the past, because it cannot be changed, instead, worry about the future, because it can.
If you don't stop worrying about things which happened
Quote:
Originally Posted by blazejen View Post
before we were together
then you won't have a future...........
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