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My boyfriend moved me/our cats out here in April. He provides us with everything we need, it's the best relationship I've ever been in, we get along perfectly, etc. I've had depression/anxiety to some degree most of my life(I'm 31 today). I don't know anyone here, I'm not a very social person, and we only leave the house once a week(for groceries). My boyfriend offers to bring me to the lake, parks, etc sometimes and I decline 99% of the time. It's difficult for me to get the motivation to shower and get dressed and actually leave the house even when I want to. He respects this.
My birthday is today and last night I made the mistake of trying to talk about it with my boyfriend. A few things lead me to believe he wasn't going to do anything: he suggested we clean the house this weekend to prepare for Monday(paying bills, phone calls, other things on our to-do list), when I asked him if we were doing anything Sunday he assumed I meant grocery shopping and said we could if I wanted, and.. I just got a general impression that he wasn't going to do anything. I told him last night that I had always thought that, once I was in a healthy/happy relationship, birthdays and holidays would be celebrated again. He was offended and there wasn't much discussion about it. I stayed in bed later than usual today because I was more depressed than usual, for obvious reasons, and I still assumed my birthday would not be celebrated. I brought it up again. I asked why he thought I wouldn't want to feel special today. He said the day had just started, I didn't give him a chance, he had been cleaning, and it was insulting and disrespectful of me to say anything. He also said I never want to do anything and didn't seem interested in the idea of going out to a restaurant or anything else.
I've been lying in bed crying off and on. I had a big internal debate before asking him if he was going to do anything for my birthday. I regret not just giving him a chance to do something but I was trying to avoid feeling hurt if he didn't do anything. And I was almost certain he wouldn't. I understand his hesitancy to try and do anything for me. It hurts that I'm seen as a miserable blob who can't enjoy life, though. I've felt somewhat neglected in our relationship lately, his focus has been on other things, and any sort of gesture would have meant a lot to me. I'm not a materialistic person and I have no wants or needs thanks to him but some small gift would have been cherished. We've never dined out together and that too would have been special, although I expressed some anxiety at the idea(I'm very shy out in public).
Can anyone relate to this? Is there a better way to explain to my boyfriend that I want to feel special to him and sometimes I need to be gently dragged out of my shell? I know I ruined any possibility of having a good birthday when I brought it up last night but I'm one of those people who can't keep things locked up inside, and that's not the type of relationship I want. Maybe I could have been more tactful but I think I should have just let things happen.
All joking aside, go find a good therapist. You've got bigger issues than what will happen on your birthday and will continue to have issues so long as you are depressed. A quality man will only stick around for so long with the attitude you have--even when he loves you. Honestly, if I were him I'd leave you because I would think that would be best for you. You have got to love yourself before anything good in life will stick with you--be it friends, a job, boyfriend etc.
You need to work on yourself alone IMO. Then revisit the relationship if he is still available.
Frankly, I think your boyfriend has been pretty great to you so far
-He moved you to his state with your cats
-He provides you with everything you need (This is huge, huge huge)
Don't take this the hard way, but I think that in your depressive state, you are not really seeing/appreciating all that he's doing.
You can't blame him for not thinking you'd want to go out when you've declined 99% of his offers to take you out. A normal person would assume you are just not into it. He sounds really neat, IMHO.
Are you doing anything for your depression, i.e taking pills, therapy? Until you get that under control, it would be hard to see things in a positive light.
You really need to see someone for your depression. It is a medical condition and can be treated w/ medication and managed so that you can have a fuller life, and not rely on your boyfriend to supply what life you have. Most folks get burned out being depended upon but not getting the same back. Relationships are supposed to be mutual, in support, in contribution in evolving into a healthy long term committed relationship. You need to take care of you so that you can be half of this relationship. You probably have heard this before....You really need to call and get an appointment and an assessment. Not sure where you live but most communities have programs that are sliding scale fees. Please give this some consideration....You deserve a full life and your boyfriend deserves a partner...You would be much happier.
Last edited by JanND; 09-23-2012 at 06:05 PM..
Reason: text
That was one of the most confusing posts I've ever read on CD.
You decline on doing ANYTHING 99% of the time, yet you expected him to want to go somewhere with you on your birthday? How is he supposed to know that you actually do want to do something on your birthday, even though you decline on everything he offers to do with you?
If I were in this guy's shoes I'd have done the same thing. Business as usual, say happy birthday, and continue with my day. If you got upset that Ididn't want to go somewhere to celebrate, then you should have spoken up! Because I sure as hell can't predict what days you feel like walking outside to see the world.
Dealing with anxiety and depression can be so very challenging!
Try to remember in the future not to ever make judgements about your guy based on your feelings alone - because yours are deceptively off due to your anxiety and will lead you to make comments you'll always regret.
Ok, so if you stay on this path, you're going to lose everything. So just do yourself the favor of calling NAMI (NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy) and trying to get some help in the form of therapy and medication. I know how bad depression can get, though I've never been anywhere near where you are. But you need to take SOME steps on your own. Let the birthday issue drop and actually try do something that will help yourself.
As said by others, you need to get into therapy and probably need to be on medication. They have medications now for depression that do wonders. Once you take them and feel better you will want to shower and get dress and go out. You need to try to help yourself before you lose this man. He sounds like a very caring and patient man, but that will only last so long.
I have experience with depression, and yes, if you are not on medication, you should be. If you can't even get out of bed or shower sometimes, you need professional help.
Now, as for the birthday issue, you should go back and read your post again with an objective eye and list the things your boyfriend does in one column and the things you do in another column.
He is carrying a major load here that only the most patient people would attempt. He already caters to your comfort zone in every conceivable way, yet you still want him to figure out when and how to "gently drag you out of your shell"? He is not a mind-reader.
Think of his situation like a vending machine. You put your money in the first few times, get a Coke. Then one time you put money in and get nothing, not even your money back.
You push a few buttons, nothing. It makes a noise and you get your hopes up for a second, but nothing comes out.
You bang on the side, nothing.
You rock it back and forth, nothing.
How long would you stand there banging that machine till your Coke comes out? Most would not keep trying with no outcome, but would move on.
You did not mention how much responsibility you are taking for your depression, but you can only blame depression for so long because it can be treated. Now I am the first to admit that treating depression is like building an airplane as you try to fly it.
But you have to do something because your happiness is NOT your boyfriend's responsibility.
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