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How sad for someone to think they have no redeemable qualities to begin with. I can't imagine the level of self-hate.
Reminds me of a guy I dated whom I knew since childhood. He was a total computer nerd who grew up to be quite successful. He made his riches and when he started dating me when we got older, I noticed how he'd put on this facade of "trying to improve himself" by being all alpha-maleish.
Girls can smell it from a mile away. I actually enjoyed his company more when we sat down and watched the movie Contact together and he was all about how the shots were in some of the scenes. I find those qualities endearing, yet, society perpetuates this stereotype that the HOT STUD is what the females are after. I LOVED that nerdy side of him, but wasn't into the fact that he apparently felt he needed to put on an image. Nothing more of a turnoff than that.
Please, give me a break. Yes- there is truth to being your most AUTHENTIC self. That's called confidence, but people want to make a few bucks here and there in the self-help book/advertising industry by telling people "you'll never measure up." No- it's not lazy advice. It's about being GENUINE.
How sad for someone to think they have no redeemable qualities to begin with. I can't imagine the level of self-hate.
Reminds me of a guy I dated whom I knew since childhood. He was a total computer nerd who grew up to be quite successful. He made his riches and when he started dating me when we got older, I noticed how he'd put on this facade of "trying to improve himself" by being all alpha-maleish.
Girls can smell it from a mile away. I actually enjoyed his company more when we sat down and watched the movie Contact together and he was all about how the shots were in some of the scenes. I find those qualities endearing, yet, society perpetuates this stereotype that the HOT STUD is what the females are after. I LOVED that nerdy side of him, but wasn't into the fact that he apparently felt he needed to put on an image. Nothing more of a turnoff than that.
Please, give me a break. Yes- there is truth to being your most AUTHENTIC self. That's called confidence, but people want to make a few bucks here and there in the self-help book/advertising industry by telling people "you'll never measure up." No- it's not lazy advice. It's about being GENUINE.
Mm, yes that's why I try to avoid putting on the alpha male thing, it seems like anyone with a functioning brain could see through it, which is why it always amazes me when women fall for it. It's like watching lemmings fall off a cliff.
The old cliche is it's better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you are not. You'll never find anything meaningful pretending to be someone else. If you have to be someone else in order to be accepted, then you're not confident in your ability to be loved. This is going to be a problem down the line, no matter how much you mask who you are, or how successful it is initially
For starters, I think those two words constitute the best dating advice that can be given. Above all the dating advice that's given by other posters and the "how to" guides that are written, the most important thing is finding a woman who is compatible for you. Unfortunately, I think this advice is taken in the wrong way too many times.
For example, think about a job interview. You get a call for a job that you know you'll be a good fit for. It pays well and it fits your qualifications and goals nicely. An ideal candidate would prepare for the interview by researching the company, conducting a mock interview, and preparing a list of questions to ask the interviewer. The candidate would also pick nice, professional clothes, make sure they're clean and pressed, and make sure they are well-groomed so as to make the best possible impression as possible. You're not going into this interview wearing cargo shorts, sandals and your favorite sports team's t-shirt, right? Likewise, you won't act and talk unprofessional during an interview. You want to be yourself for an interview, but you want to present yourself in the best way possible. That is how I view dating; being yourself is simply presenting yourself in the best way possible.
So be yourself, but be confident and self-assured in yourself. Treat your date and yourself with respect, and you'll go a long way in finding that right person.
You should only be yourself if you're the kind of guy that gets girls.
If you're not the kind of guy that gets girls, then be somebody else.
In the word of Carla from Scrubs, "you don't want to let all your crazy out at once. Just small doses at a time to let them build up a tolerance"
Like this ^, but I'm biased-I think "Scrubs" is a great show w/all sorts of clever dialogue exploring how people conduct relationships.
Figuring out *how* to parcel out the amount of "crazy" one lets out with a (potential) new partner can be difficult, still-getting the balance right, between managing one's image so as to show oneself in the best light vs. letting someone see the "unguarded" you.
From "Spaced", s1e7, where Tim tells Mike (before a critical interview/review): "Just be yourself, okay-don't do anything odd." That single line encapsulates the predicament, the tension between "being yourself" (the public face, best-foot-forward version) and "being yourself" (the private version of oneself, who is a bundle of nerves and fears). "Be yourself" is not so simple/straightforward a notion as it is often presented to be.
"Being oneself" can include a huge list of possibilities-in addition to "being the indecisive self", who cannot choose which "self" to be in a given situation.
We each have competing aspects of ourselves that are evoked by ever-shifting circumstances, hence one of the reasons for what get termed "mixed messages", because the person giving off the mixed messages is themselves confused, conflicted, unsure what to do or how to act/react. People can be transparent, yet also contradict themselves-because they feel great ambivalence, feeling one way doesn't negate them feeling the other way, too-then it's hard to present a unified, consistent version/message/self.
It's more a matter of being able to express your likes, dislikes and opinions. Eventually they all come out, but there is the turn off a non-commmital, wishy-washy person who expresses none of these factors I address.
My young teenage cousin was in the car with my aunt and I once and we were throwing out ideas on where to go to lunch. She mentioned Chinese, and I said, "Blech, I eat it almost every day at work, what about Mexican?" she said, "Had it last night, how about....?' and the conversation goes from there. At several points in the conversation we turned to the back seat and asked my cousin if she had a suggestion and every single time came with this timid, "Anywhere," and shrugged her shoulders. Although just a young teenager at the time, I notice this is something I really hate in adults - the lack of ability to toss out an idea or opinion for fear the others won't like it.
We actually coached her on it, particularly when it comes to dating. It's okay to suggest something you want and to express what you don't like or want with some conviction. It shows a sense of self-stength. If a person is constantly saying, "I don't care or anything is fine." You come across as introverted to a higher degree and you are also hard to get to know and are somewhat of a project. Being yourself is not just expressing your opinions, but being able to let your own personality be seen. If you are a funny person and casual, don't put a suit on and be stiff to impress a date. It won't fly and you will feel uncomfortale and the other person will sense it.
The biggest violation of this was a guy I knew who asked this girl to marry him. I thought she was a dingbat from the get-go, but that was his business. He calls me one day and asked me to stop over. He had bought this damn beautiful ring for her and asked her to marry him, she said no and dumped him for a guy she had previously dated who happened to be an attorney. Now, my friend was a well paid executive, fun as hell, (it wasn't uncommon for him to get up with a band at a night club and sing). He had terrific social skills and we hung out with a larger group of common friends. Instead of taking time to get over her - he applied and went to law school thinking that would win her back. Of course, it didn't. He just wasn't himself and now he's got a very expensive law degree he doesn't even use.
Once he finally let go of this situation after years of wallowing in it - he met a great woman who was a perfect match to his real personality and she met him when he was showing it too. I met her the same night he did. She was the complete opposite in looks and personality as the previous one. I thought they were perfect together. I loved her laugh and since he was so fun and funny, that's a big one. They married, then moved away, but I talk to him a couple times a year and they are so happy and you can just hear it in his voice. So, yes, being yourself has its benefits.
Last edited by Thursday007; 10-05-2012 at 03:55 AM..
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Of course, it didn't. He just wasn't himself and now he's got a very expensive law degree he doesn't even use.
