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Reading this post, I'm struggling to identify whether the purpose of such a revelation is genuinely to help the "love of your life", or purely as an exercise to ease your own conscience.
Maybe you'll have to give us a little more details.
You could start with telling us how you know that "they have been unable to move on and tormented as to why you ended things so abruptly"
Quote:
Originally Posted by FromTN2A2
Scenario:
You checked out of a relationship long before you left it and then eventually dumped the love of your life due to an extenuating circumstance that he/she had no clear idea about because of your failure to share the reason with him/her.
Question:
Would you eventually tell the ex love the real reason behind the separation, after a fair amount of time apart if you realized that they have been unable to move on and tormented as to why you ended things so abruptly. Hoping that this will make it easier for him/her to move on with this new found clarity, and believe in love again.
Honestly, I don't see how telling the dumped person the reason could cause any harm. Unless they're ridiculously fragile. In which case, THAT alone would be a good reason for dumping them. For most people it would just be a useful piece of information.
How on earth did the situation get this angst-ridden?
Honestly, I don't see how telling the dumped person the reason could cause any harm. Unless they're ridiculously fragile. In which case, THAT alone would be a good reason for dumping them. For most people it would just be a useful piece of information.
How on earth did the situation get this angst-ridden?
My sister. She was raped and now due to "environmental circumstances" (her words not mine), she can no longer connect with men on a sexual level. She tried to fight this for 3 years. She is a lesbian. I don't want to go into it any further than that. But she is a beautiful person. Sometimes harsh circumstances can cause ones vision to become very cloudy and they make poor decisions that can greatly affect others even if there was no ill intent.
It's too general. You would have to be more specific.
On what you've given us, I'd say yes contact the person and put both of your minds at ease.
ETA: just noticed this little nugget -
You checked out of a relationship long before you left it and then eventually dumped the love of your life due to an extenuating circumstance that he/she had no clear idea about because of your failure to share the reason with him/her.
The Love Of Your Life hey? What exactly is the motive for this "confession"...you want him back?
Yes, "love of life". But there is more life to live... I would think that an emotionally mature person could recognize (after healing atleast) that though a past love was once the love of your life, there is more life to live..making for another to take that place when one's heart is open enough and willing to accept love again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman
Reading this post, I'm struggling to identify whether the purpose of such a revelation is genuinely to help the "love of your life", or purely as an exercise to ease your own conscience.
Maybe you'll have to give us a little more details.
You could start with telling us how you know that "they have been unable to move on and tormented as to why you ended things so abruptly"
If you care for someone, shouldn't your conscience be to the very least a little at unrest if you are aware that you have information that could possibly ease their pain and bring them to a little more understanding. So of course it would ease one's conscience..because they have done the best that they could to ease the conscience of someone that they love. No one is perfect, but not everyone has selfish intent.
Closure is not necessary to heal, but it certainly makes it a lot easier.
Also, the "how" one has been tormented is not necessary to put into detail, somethings are abundantly said and made clear.
Based on this information, if you did something you feel was wrong, then yes, you should speak up.
Especially if you have learned or realised something now which you didn't know at the time.
Although I suppose you should be prepared for the fact that it might not be exactly the happy reunion you envisage, depending on what happened.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FromTN2A2
My sister. She was raped and now due to "environmental circumstances" (her words not mine), she can no longer connect with men on a sexual level. She tried to fight this for 3 years. She is a lesbian. I don't want to go into it any further than that. But she is a beautiful person. Sometimes harsh circumstances can cause ones vision to become very cloudy and they make poor decisions that can greatly affect others even if there was no ill intent.
have to be honest, I thought it was going to be something like "I cheated on my partner", or similar.
The advice you'd have received then would probably be totally different.
I had a similar situation come up with my best friend years ago. She "broke up" with me - literally moved out of our apt and quit taking my calls. I had NO CLUE what I had done wrong or how to fix things.
It was heartbreaking.
Then, a few years later, she contacted me. She wanted me to know it wasn't me at all and to apologize for hurting me.
Turned out she had had something major happen to her and she was so shocked and traumatized that she couldn't talk to anyone, couldn't reach out to her best friend even though I was always right there for her.
Finding out the real circumstances was very liberating for me. I was able to quit thinking it was all somehow my fault that she had fled from the relationship. It completely dissipated the hurt feelings.
I know this is not quite the same thing as boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, but just thought I'd share my 2 cents in case it helps you in any way.
This happened with me and one of my sisters. I still have no idea why she doesn't talk to me and after months and months of trying to contact her for myself and for my children, I have stopped. It is too hard going over and over anything that could have happened in my mind to figure it out and she wont talk to me so I can't ask her.
Maybe one day she will also contact me, but hopefully it wont be before it is too late.
Based on this information, if you did something you feel was wrong, then yes, you should speak up.
Especially if you have learned or realised something now which you didn't know at the time.
Although I suppose you should be prepared for the fact that it might not be exactly the happy reunion you envisage, depending on what happened.
have to be honest, I thought it was going to be something like "I cheated on my partner", or similar.
The advice you'd have received then would probably be totally different.
A happy reunion is not even in question...
Once again, not to be harsh at all, but not everyone has selfish intent. Sometimes it really is to assist in anyway you can in allowing another to move on to a happy life without you.
You checked out of a relationship long before you left it and then eventually dumped the love of your life due to an extenuating circumstance that he/she had no clear idea about because of your failure to share the reason with him/her.
Question:
Would you eventually tell the ex love the real reason behind the separation, after a fair amount of time apart if you realized that they have been unable to move on and tormented as to why you ended things so abruptly. Hoping that this will make it easier for him/her to move on with this new found clarity, and believe in love again.
Thoughts?
This one struck particularly close to home for me as the dumpee, and so I'd have to say IF they've proved unable to move on, maybe you owe them an explanation. However -- and it's a BIG "however"...
You risk as much reopening their wound by doing this as you stand to offer with regard to helping them heal.
I've no idea how long it's been, but time DOES heal most all wounds; it just takes longer for some. And the biggest factor in coping with that kind of pain (on their part) is that ultimately they have to WANT to move on before ever they can. That's the key. They have to WANT to heal, WANT to move on and WANT to lose the now-useless baggage.
The hardest thing isn't believing in love again afterward; the hardest thing is learning to trust again and from my perspective at least, there's not much YOU can do about THEIR ability to relearn to trust.
Reading further (I answered your initial question), I would say YES -- it would help her ex if she contacted and at least let them know it wasn't them, even if not the entire story (up to her).
If she dumped them AND it's because she could never truly be with them that way, then they weren't the "love of her life", they were someone she loved deeply. Not the same.
You have to know the person you're dealing with and to what degree they are suffering. For some, it may help, but if they've been carrying around this torch and are unable to move on (how much time are we talking about here--weeks, months, years?), they may look for a way to bargain and compromise their way back into your life. You are the only one qualified to make that judgment call based on what you know of this person and their likely reactions.
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