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Old 10-15-2012, 02:17 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,434 posts, read 29,533,988 times
Reputation: 19626

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I don't know if I worded that right or not. My SO is perfect for me, and he feels the same. We are different in our beliefs and that may be one of the hardest things.

I am a Christian. I would say he has a problem with religion. I do not think he is an atheist and he does not call himself one but he questions a lot. I never argue religion or politics with him.

Marriage. Very important to me, not so important for him. We have found the ones we love. We know we want to be together. We know we want it to be forever.

I believe in the sacred union of holy matrimony. He thinks it is not really needed but is more of a hassle.

He does want to marry me, and he has told me so. I suppose it is more important to me and I would rather it be sooner than later. I am not saying I need to get married tomorrow but not in several years.

I know his last relationship ended bad. It has been his only relationship besides me. It ended with him telling her to leave after she was sharing his bed with a couple of other men.

I imagine that could be difficult. That lasted five years. He said he wants to make sure everything is ok with us because marriage is a serious thing. I agree with him and I know he has only had this one other experience with a woman but on the other hand, it was very upsetting to me yesterday when we spoke of it.

He also, in only having the 2 relationships, does not have the experience of knowing how to say the right things in certain situations. To his defense, I am also a very literal person. Sometimes the way he phrases things just upsets me even more-so. Yesterday we sat together talking and through the tears I felt like I was also trying to let him know....if I am already upset, that may not be the thing to say, even if you feel it at the time. Rather console me.

I love him bigger than the world is round, but when it comes down to it, this is where we are just not the same, and it is hard.

Does anyone else have this problem?

I suppose since it is an open forum you can go off on me and say I am just trying to make him marry me blah blah but that is not the case. We already live together and already have a commitment to one another. We already know that this is it. I am just the type who thinks marriage is important and he is the type who does not.

The religion aspect? I can deal with it much better. He does not want to go to church with me and that is ok. He has gone once and it was not the end of the world. His parents couldn't believe he went with me so I guess that is saying something.

Do you think marriage is important? Do you think it is just a piece of paper? Why for either.
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Old 10-15-2012, 02:25 PM
 
10,026 posts, read 9,254,765 times
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Marriage is important and a person who doesn't believe in it isn't my ideal mate. Marriage isn't just a piece of paper it is all about the financial and society choices. I always say this but I would never live with a guy unless we were engaged with a set date.
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Old 10-15-2012, 02:40 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,434 posts, read 29,533,988 times
Reputation: 19626
Quote:
Originally Posted by Idon'tdateyou View Post
Marriage is important and a person who doesn't believe in it isn't my ideal mate. Marriage isn't just a piece of paper it is all about the financial and society choices. I always say this but I would never live with a guy unless we were engaged with a set date.

I was not going to live with him unless we were engaged, but circumstances changed that.

Marriage to me doesn't have any thing to do with finance or society, it has to do with the love you have for that person and enduring a lifetime with them. I have actually been married before, and we were together for 16 years, so we really tried.

When you are married, you become one. He talks about a lifetime with me and that is what I want. It is what we want. He is ok with not getting married or getting married. He just wants it to be with me. He wants to give it plenty of time.

We are in a relationship and we are committed to one another. My morals and religious beliefs tell me that this kind of relationship = marriage. Not LTR living together. It is not who I am.

It is fine for some people and I do not fault them. It is not me. He has always know this and he has know that I am a person who wants to be married. With that said..... we walked along.
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Old 10-15-2012, 07:23 PM
 
13,698 posts, read 13,642,188 times
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You've found someone who makes you happy. Someone who feels the same way about you that you do about them. That's a rare and precious thing.

I'm an atheist. I would say that just about the only thing I believe in unshakeably is love. Now, that said, just love is not enough to sustain a relationship in and of itself. I let the love of my life go simply because of that fact, and I don't regret it one bit. But love is really just the thing we instinctively as humans seek out and the only thing we really need beyond the bare necessities. Without it, humans inevitably fall apart.

To me, marriage vs. living together is semantics when a couple is truly committed to each other. If I recall correctly, you're my age (36) or older, and you've been married before. I realize I'm totally godless, but I really can't envision an all-powerful being who would get into a snit over two mature adults making a commitment to each other just because the proper ritual wasn't conducted. If this man makes you happy and you have faith in your feelings for each other, let it ride. Ask him to make sure you have legal protections with regard to the joint assets if that's an issue, but I'd just keep on doing what I was doing if I were you. If you're happy with him, be happy with him - and if you truly believe in what you have together, marriage isn't going to bind him to you any closer, imho.
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Old 10-15-2012, 07:40 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,434 posts, read 29,533,988 times
Reputation: 19626
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
You've found someone who makes you happy. Someone who feels the same way about you that you do about them. That's a rare and precious thing.

I'm an atheist. I would say that just about the only thing I believe in unshakeably is love. Now, that said, just love is not enough to sustain a relationship in and of itself. I let the love of my life go simply because of that fact, and I don't regret it one bit. But love is really just the thing we instinctively as humans seek out and the only thing we really need beyond the bare necessities. Without it, humans inevitably fall apart.

To me, marriage vs. living together is semantics when a couple is truly committed to each other. If I recall correctly, you're my age (36) or older, and you've been married before. I realize I'm totally godless, but I really can't envision an all-powerful being who would get into a snit over two mature adults making a commitment to each other just because the proper ritual wasn't conducted. If this man makes you happy and you have faith in your feelings for each other, let it ride. Ask him to make sure you have legal protections with regard to the joint assets if that's an issue, but I'd just keep on doing what I was doing if I were you. If you're happy with him, be happy with him - and if you truly believe in what you have together, marriage isn't going to bind him to you any closer, imho.
Nice post. I have found someone who makes me beyond happy, if such a thing exists. I am 38 and divorced, yep, you remember correctly.

I don't know what He would do. I do believe that our lives are written out for us and He knows what will happen before it does. I have been through many trials and tribulations in this life and I really think I have been rewarded. I would not change a thing, if it all happening brought me here.

I think he is worried about me wanting to jump into it and go get married tomorrow! Oh believe me, I love him in a way that I would marry him tomorrow, but I don't have to. I also don't want to wait forever.

While my childrens father and I did not last forever, I still believe in the sanctity of marriage and right now both of their parents are living with a SO. We both love our SOs, and the kids know this. They are grown up enough to understand it, but I don't think in this scenario, either of us are leading by good example.

My bf mentioned being married to me this evening a couple of times. Just in conversation and not a sit down talk about it. I told him he didn't need to worry about me wanting to marry him tomorrow. While I would love to marry him tomorrow, it would probably change my student loan/financial aid aspect and I am not looking to do that. I think that made him feel better about it all. He knows I may be in school for a while and I don't just want to get married very soon, but he also knows I do not want to wait forever, and has always known that.
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Old 10-15-2012, 07:49 PM
 
Location: Atlanta & NYC
6,620 posts, read 11,694,488 times
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I feel like relationships are about compromising. So what if he doesn't wanna get married? At least he's got enough respect for you to show you he can commit without a ring. So what if he doesn't believe fully in God and all that? He doesn't hate you for it.

Just chill and let things go. It's all good once you lay back and stop worrying about the little things.
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Old 10-15-2012, 07:52 PM
 
17,867 posts, read 17,812,289 times
Reputation: 13800
I can't ever respond to your posts because I don't have any experience for the threads I've seen you make.

Plus, you make your opening posts too long, and I don't have the patience to read them! lol
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Old 10-15-2012, 07:55 PM
 
Location: Southern California
15,087 posts, read 17,590,906 times
Reputation: 10299
Appears to me that someone is going to have to change his or her mind about marriage. And possibly be unhappy in the process and the outcome. You're living the on the middle ground where he wants to be but it doesn't appear you want to be there long.

[difficult situation, for sure]
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Old 10-15-2012, 07:56 PM
 
14,472 posts, read 17,412,982 times
Reputation: 11271
Sounds like you're not compatible and should let him go.
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Old 10-15-2012, 07:56 PM
 
Location: Atlanta & NYC
6,620 posts, read 11,694,488 times
Reputation: 6603
Quote:
Originally Posted by Prince_Frog View Post
I can't ever respond to your posts because I don't have any experience for the threads I've seen you make.

Plus, you make your opening posts too long, and I don't have the patience to read them! lol
Amen to that. A lot of people on this forum like to write books.
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