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I can see how the mistake did come from immaturity. But, it wasn't just gifts and money that was given at the time, it was more than that. He showed me attention, care, and romance. My family and the people around me were constantly telling me not to let him go because he knew how to treat a woman. So, here are all these women who are older and far more experienced in the area than I am, telling me to go for it. I listened to it thinking I was making the right decision, and it felt like I was. My 91 yr old Grandmother who I respect most in this world was telling me she loved him and he was a "sure keeper". Coming from her, someone that does not like anyone made me feel that it was okay.
My parents and family may have made a mistake, but I do not at all think they are bad parents. When I was 15 I started working and I had bought and paid for my own car by the time I turned 16. My family is pretty wealthy, and I could have asked them for the car, but I didn't. You will rarely see me ask my family for money, even when it is offered I will say no. Unless, I badly need it for an emergency is the only time I will ask, and it's hard for me to even do that. I do pay for my own insurance & credit card. I sale Avon & a weight loss product to pay for these things and extra spending money. When I met him it wasn't just all about that that was attractive to me. I am far from that kind of person. Yes, I did enjoy all the gifts that was given. I liked it quite a bit. But, if it was only that that I was looking for, I'd go for someone with much more money than what he has. I do not at all want to be mistaken for that type.
From reading all the posts, i get a slight sense that he was showering you with gifts and attention early on as a way to manipulate to get what he wanted, and everyone fell for his charms.
I don't want to beat you up for what's already done, rather point out what not to in the future. Two months is not long enough to know anyone well enough to live with them, especially when they have a child. Even at two months, I don't know if I would have introduced him all to my family yet.
I was a stepmother for a dozen years and I didn't do a fraction of what you've done in the few months you've known this guy. I didn't meet the kids until we'd been dating for a year, mind you they didn't live with their dad f/t. But even still, IMO you need to establish the adult relationship and have a sense of some permanence to it before involving the children.
His child is not your responsibility, and it seems you're convenient and free daycare for a guy that works 15 hours a day. You are not mom, you are the sitter he's dumped his child on. And really, what kind of man leaves his child with a virtual stranger, which is really what you are to that boy so early on in a dating relationship. No parent should be so trusting to leave the responsibility of caring for a child on the shoulders of a child herself. I'm not putting you down by calling you a child, but really, you're a teenager and have a few years left to finish developing into the adult you're going to be.
Please find the courage to end this now, and also the strength not to allow him to manipulate you into staying. He's not going to be happy about it because his free ride is ending. Please ask someone you trust to support you because you will need the strength to stand firm and make a better choice for your future.
From reading all the posts, i get a slight sense that he was showering you with gifts and attention early on as a way to manipulate to get what he wanted, and everyone fell for his charms.
I don't want to beat you up for what's already done, rather point out what not to in the future. Two months is not long enough to know anyone well enough to live with them, especially when they have a child. Even at two months, I don't know if I would have introduced him all to my family yet.
I was a stepmother for a dozen years and I didn't do a fraction of what you've done in the few months you've known this guy. I didn't meet the kids until we'd been dating for a year, mind you they didn't live with their dad f/t. But even still, IMO you need to establish the adult relationship and have a sense of some permanence to it before involving the children.
His child is not your responsibility, and it seems you're convenient and free daycare for a guy that works 15 hours a day. You are not mom, you are the sitter he's dumped his child on. And really, what kind of man leaves his child with a virtual stranger, which is really what you are to that boy so early on in a dating relationship. No parent should be so trusting to leave the responsibility of caring for a child on the shoulders of a child herself. I'm not putting you down by calling you a child, but really, you're a teenager and have a few years left to finish developing into the adult you're going to be.
Please find the courage to end this now, and also the strength not to allow him to manipulate you into staying. He's not going to be happy about it because his free ride is ending. Please ask someone you trust to support you because you will need the strength to stand firm and make a better choice for your future.
Best of luck!
I do agree with you and was very shocked at how early it came. On our 2nd date the child was with us. and If I had kids I wouldn't let just anyone around my kid. Even with his kid I'm weird about him going to head start and I try to volunteer at least twice a week at the school and always go on field trips with him. I have gotten to know the teachers and the social workers quite well and I trust they do good with him. But, it's just that little bit of doubt in the back of your head that he may get mistreated. You hear about it all the time in schools & daycares.
In the future, when I do have kids of my own and if I happen to become a single mother, I would do my very best to keep them protected and would not have different men in & out of my child's life. It was wrong on his part to be so quick to trust me. I could be someone that mistreats a child or worse.
And, I'm not saying I wasn't wrong for letting it all happen. I should have told him that it was just to soon, but I didn't.
JamiRenae, in the looks department....is it pretty safe to say you are around a 9.5 or 10.0. And this guy is pushing a 2 or 3 on a good day?
Well, I'm not going to judge myself in that way. But, I don't think I am ugly. and he is a good looking man, great body, and very clean.
But, what does this have to do with the situation?
Because when a guy lets a woman quit work and supports her full time....she is usually the hottest thing that will give him the time of day. And one day she wakes up and realizes she is banging fugly.
This one is tough and you are very young. I was in a 2-3 year relationship with a man who had twin sons and I left him and missed the boys. I made a clean break and finally left and then the boys started contacting me again and it was difficult.
Then their dad started contacting me again and I ended up back with them all again. It was no better than the first time around, even worse.
Again, clean break but I blocked them from things like facebook and I closed my e mail that they had. I changed my phone number. I moved.
I loved those boys like they were my own but this was the only way to do it for me.
Now it doesn't seem like this man is bad to you, just seems like you dont feel like you thought you did for him. I think it would be hard for you to leave, but even harder the longer you wait....
OP, I think as long as you stick to your plan of ending it, you'll be all right. You sound like you're coming to terms with all of this and learning from it, and you know what you need to do. Not to sound like a hen, but that really is the silver lining to this. As others have said, we all make mistakes. I've certainly made a few. But as you say, it's whether you learn from it that matters. If you look around the Relationships sub-forum, you'll see that there are a lot of people much older than you are who haven't managed to do that much and are still blaming everyone else in the world for their own issues. You're already miles ahead of them, and I hope it all works out for you.
Also, I'm glad you were able to take some of the "tough love" here with spirit and a spine. Not that I, or some of the other more blunt people here, were testing you (that's not our place), but that you responded like someone who is willing to stand up for herself and what she feels and knows about her own situation, which is also pretty commendable. My only other advice to you is to trust your gut going forward. It told you it was too soon for your relationship to progress, and it was right. The gut never lies. If you're like me, you'll find that the more you trust your gut, and the more you see how right it is, the more you come to rely on your own judgment. Then it won't matter what anyone--your parents, your grandparents, us out here in the ether--says. It is probably one of the best feelings in the world, to be able to rely on yourself like that. Too many women ignore their instincts, or allow others to convince them to go against their better judgment, and I wish they wouldn't, for their own sakes.
You are only 19, be a teenager! Good lord. You have grown up way too fast. You should be thinking about preparing yourself for self sufficiency by selecting some sort of career or educational path with the long term goal of having a living wage at a job you will enjoy or excel at.
You are worth more than being some schlub's babysitter. Life has so much more to offer you than this and you should get him out of your life.
Lilac gave you great advice. You're young and you have your whole life ahead of you to have a wonderful relationship and a family, but it isn't going to be with this guy. Just because a guy is nice to you or gives you money doesn't mean he is the right guy. I've broken up with guys were nice, but I just didn't love them and it isn't fair to stay with someone you don't really love no matter how nice they are. You do both parties an injustice when you do that. Plus, I have to say I'm not too sure how nice your guy really is. You're a lot younger than him and he gets a lot of perks from the relationship such as free place to live, free child care. I think he's taking advantage of you. You know what to do. You'll be happier in the long run!
My parents are actually the ones that recommended the living together. They work out of state and are gone 6-7 months at a time so we live at their house so they know the house and pets are taken care of. They are in love with the kid and consider him a grandchild. I have always been very mature for my age and they thought it was a great idea for me to live with him. My only friends are 45+ and they love both boyfriend and son.
My boyfriend is 29. and he may have very well tricked me into this. He's very good at it if he did. Although, it was my choice to quit my job. And at the time he was only working 8hrs. If I knew he would start working 15+ I wouldn't have done it.
This is not saying very much for the wisdom your parents should possess. Who in the world told you you were mature for your age? You are 19 years old and moved in with a boyfriend on your parents recommendation, and you call yourself mature? I must be an absolute idiot, I don't agree with any of this, or have we all lost our marbles?
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I can leave him, but I can't leave his son
