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Old 10-17-2012, 02:09 PM
 
17 posts, read 15,376 times
Reputation: 18

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My boyfriend and I started dating in Febuary of this year. I really liked him and thought I had hit the jackpot on this one. I had only been single for 6 days from a previous 3 year long relationship. I was not at all expecting this to happen so soon. Everything about him was so likeable. He was constanly showering me with gifts and money and never expected anything in return. In April, we decided to move in together, only after 2 months of dating. I knew it was a little to fast, but I really liked him at the time and we were getting along wonderfully.

Now 6 months later, I no longer feel the same way. That "fire" really burned out quick for me and I find myself trying to force falling in love. I want to love a man like him, he's that guy that every girl wants. He still acts the same way he did when we first met. Always gifts, telling me I am beautiful, and doing everything & anything for me. But, I am not happy with him at all. I can't figure out why I can't be happy. He's not doing anything wrong. I pull away when he hugs me, I roll over when he tries to cuddle, I can't bring myself to kiss him longer than a second. I want to leave.

The reason it is so hard for me to leave is because he has a 4 year old son that also lives with me. I quit my job over the summer to get to know his son and spend time with him. Obviously, we grew very close. I take care of him 24/7 while my boyfriend works 14-15 hours a day. I am only 19, and being a parent to a child is very new to me. I love him tons and I think of him as my own child, and it will kill me to leave him. (His real mother litterally left him on a doorstep) I'm not only leaving my boyfriend, but also a child. I think of him being confused and hurt. I have been like a mother to him since day one. When he gets hurt or scared, he runs to me for comfort. He wants to me to tuck him in bed.

So, how can I do this? I need to put myself first, and concentrate on making myself happy. But, I can't help but feel guilty about it. I need answers.
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Old 10-17-2012, 02:12 PM
 
14,439 posts, read 17,361,950 times
Reputation: 11240
Dang... that's hard. I would be confused too.
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Old 10-17-2012, 02:14 PM
 
Location: NY
9,071 posts, read 15,029,788 times
Reputation: 11499
Oh, this is a very messy situation.

Can you think of a reason why you do not love this man? It sounds like he has been very good to you. However, there must be a reason. Are you not attracted to him? Do the two of you not spend enough time together?

If it isn't working out, you are going to have to bite the bullet and leave. This will be very hard on the 4 year old too, as he won't understand what is going on. However, being miserable in a love-less relationship is not going to work well either, and be more detrimental in the long run.

That said, you really need to know yourself whether or not you stay in this relationship. Part of that is really coming down to what the source of these negative feelings are for your bf. Identifying what it is that is causing you to not just love him, but pull away from him.

Very difficult situation. Maybe if you can identify the source of the problem, you can talk to him about it. (Are you resentful for being dependent on him now, and an instant mother/caregiver?)
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Old 10-17-2012, 02:14 PM
 
7,376 posts, read 12,881,913 times
Reputation: 6963
I doubt she will be back since she literally only posted once so ill make it short and sweet. He is not a challenge and therefore she is bored.
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Old 10-17-2012, 02:25 PM
 
Location: Australia
4,004 posts, read 5,289,196 times
Reputation: 6774
I'm sorry OP, I understand how you feel, but that child is not yours.

Any man who would be happy leaving his son in the care of a virtual stranger (after two months, that's what you were) is going to have no issues at all with dumping his child on the next ninny that comes along.

That little boy will have a succession of carers/dads girlfriends...you will be one of a very long line.

You have bonded with him but I sincerely doubt the poor little man has deeply bonded with you. His life will be a series of upheavals and he will grow up to never attach to anyone properly.

The child has a mother (somewhere) and you will have your own children, one day, with a man you (hopefully) love and have built something substantial with.

You are very young and feeling guilty, but I can assure you this is wasted emotion.

This child will grow up to have the emotional depth of a puddle, just like his father. Heck, if his mother's already a stranger, he won't turn a hair when girlfriend number 298 disappears too.

Kids are wonderful and bring the love with them, but this little boy's future does not rely on you.
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Old 10-17-2012, 02:29 PM
 
Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4,370 posts, read 5,140,359 times
Reputation: 3896
Quote:
Originally Posted by JamiRenae View Post
My boyfriend and I started dating in Febuary of this year. I really liked him and thought I had hit the jackpot on this one. I had only been single for 6 days from a previous 3 year long relationship. I was not at all expecting this to happen so soon. Everything about him was so likeable. He was constanly showering me with gifts and money and never expected anything in return. In April, we decided to move in together, only after 2 months of dating. I knew it was a little to fast, but I really liked him at the time and we were getting along wonderfully.

Now 6 months later, I no longer feel the same way. That "fire" really burned out quick for me and I find myself trying to force falling in love. I want to love a man like him, he's that guy that every girl wants. He still acts the same way he did when we first met. Always gifts, telling me I am beautiful, and doing everything & anything for me. But, I am not happy with him at all. I can't figure out why I can't be happy. He's not doing anything wrong. I pull away when he hugs me, I roll over when he tries to cuddle, I can't bring myself to kiss him longer than a second. I want to leave.

The reason it is so hard for me to leave is because he has a 4 year old son that also lives with me. I quit my job over the summer to get to know his son and spend time with him. Obviously, we grew very close. I take care of him 24/7 while my boyfriend works 14-15 hours a day. I am only 19, and being a parent to a child is very new to me. I love him tons and I think of him as my own child, and it will kill me to leave him. (His real mother litterally left him on a doorstep) I'm not only leaving my boyfriend, but also a child. I think of him being confused and hurt. I have been like a mother to him since day one. When he gets hurt or scared, he runs to me for comfort. He wants to me to tuck him in bed.

So, how can I do this? I need to put myself first, and concentrate on making myself happy. But, I can't help but feel guilty about it. I need answers.

Welcome to life. Life is not fair. A man and his son are pretty much a package deal. If you can't deal with the guy, you won't be able to see his son. And really you may as well let him go as soon as possible. no sense in keeping him around, where he can better use his great qualities with a woman who better appreciate great qualities. you may not feel it or know it, but you're very young. And you HAVE a ton to learn about yourself and the world. It's no surprise you probably don't like this guy because you probably simply don't know what you want. At least you can take this as an indication that you're very caring and maternal, and these are traits to carry with you in life when you have your own children. But if you think you can keep this child in your life, sorry, there is simply no chance. If he's mature enough to want to keep you around, then that's fine. But to me, it's better for you to walk away from both of them. you don't want to hang around a guy for his son when he CLEARLY still has feelings for you. That's a disaster waiting to happen.

Move on with your life. That's life, and it sucks sometimes. But you're not going to always get what you want, and things are not always going to work out in your favor everytime.
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Old 10-17-2012, 02:34 PM
 
17 posts, read 15,376 times
Reputation: 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by Checkered24 View Post
Oh, this is a very messy situation.

Can you think of a reason why you do not love this man? It sounds like he has been very good to you. However, there must be a reason. Are you not attracted to him? Do the two of you not spend enough time together?

If it isn't working out, you are going to have to bite the bullet and leave. This will be very hard on the 4 year old too, as he won't understand what is going on. However, being miserable in a love-less relationship is not going to work well either, and be more detrimental in the long run.

That said, you really need to know yourself whether or not you stay in this relationship. Part of that is really coming down to what the source of these negative feelings are for your bf. Identifying what it is that is causing you to not just love him, but pull away from him.

Very difficult situation. Maybe if you can identify the source of the problem, you can talk to him about it. (Are you resentful for being dependent on him now, and an instant mother/caregiver?)

It's a feeling of him just not being "the one". We are just two completely different people. I don't agree with the way he raises his son and I have no say in it whatsoever, but yet I am expected to care for him 90% of the time. I worry about the kid because to me he is my son, we have bonded so closely together. I have tried and tried to just make myself love him, and it doesn't work. and he doesn't have a clue of the way I am feeling. I am always blaming my actions on not feeling well, or tired.
and in a way, it is hard for me and very different to care for a 4 year old. I have never even been around kids, and it's really tied me up. But at the same time I enjoy it more than anything.
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Old 10-17-2012, 02:37 PM
 
2,561 posts, read 2,223,786 times
Reputation: 1476
In my opinion for romantic/sexual relationships it's suited to put for a gal to put herself first and not hinder her lifestyle especially her career for a guy.

Most likely everything was so likeable about this guy because he was constantly showering you with gifts and money never expecting anything in return. It's understandable that the 'fire' burned out quick for you as it's quite possible he has little depth and flattery and gifts may not substantiate a relationship for you.

Perhaps you can consider maintaining a relationship with the son without enduring one with the father.
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Old 10-17-2012, 02:47 PM
 
17 posts, read 15,376 times
Reputation: 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by udolipixie View Post
In my opinion for romantic/sexual relationships it's suited to put for a gal to put herself first and not hinder her lifestyle especially her career for a guy.

Most likely everything was so likeable about this guy because he was constantly showering you with gifts and money never expecting anything in return. It's understandable that the 'fire' burned out quick for you as it's quite possible he has little depth and flattery and gifts may not substantiate a relationship for you.

Perhaps you can consider maintaining a relationship with the son without enduring one with the father.

He still buys me gifts and gives me money. I say I want something, he's at the store buying it. and it really bothers me when he does. I've already emotionally let go and I just simply do not care for the relationship anymore. I want to be able to go to school and make a career for myself, and then one day have a family.
He has a bad temper and when I tell him the way I feel, he'll take everything, and I doubt he'd even let me talk to the kid on the phone.
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Old 10-17-2012, 02:47 PM
 
Location: Bronx, New York
2,141 posts, read 2,567,779 times
Reputation: 3182
19 years old is too young to be trapped into being a step-mom. I feel sorry for the kid but it's his fathers fault for allowing you to move in and become the substitute mommy. You're 19! Plenty of time to be tied down later on in life. You're bored because you're supposed to be exploring the direction you want your life to go and hanging out with your peers. 19 years old and spending 14-15 hours a day taking care of someone else's kid? Do you have parents? Friends? What do they think about this?

How old is this man? Sounds like he wanted a youngin' he could train up to be his child's 2nd mommy. Guess he didn't consider that you might want to have a life of your own.

I say get out now.
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